Helpless

Helpless. That is exactly how I have felt the last two afternoons. Jill has gotten up from her nap each day and melted down. I mean really melted down.

Friday was heart breaking as it totally caught me off guard. It had been a while since she has pushed me away so much and cried so uncontrollably. After 45 minutes of crying, she popped right out of it like it never happened. The crying was so intense and so uncontrollable and yet gone as quickly as it came. What could have caused this despair? I always wonder...

Then on Saturday it happened again. I was a bit more emotionally prepared for it because we walked this road on Friday and I could see she was headed down the very same path. Yesterday though, she didn't push me away. She tried desperately to communicate with me about how I could soothe her. She put my hand on her back "telling" me to rub it. She lifted her arms for me to pick her up. She motioned to go downstairs. Yet all the while, she was crying uncontrollably. Watching her ride the meltdown out from start to finish is draining. About halfway through, she escalates to rolling and kicking..crying and screaming..wanting to be held and wanting down. Then you can see her calming. Little by little she gains control. She is able to regulate whatever it is that is happening to her emotionally. Finally, when it was over she sat up again and began to play as if she has been content the entire afternoon and hadn't spent the last 45 minutes crying her eyes out. The only evidence of the meltdown is her very snotty nose and swollen eyes. Forty five minutes of crying will do that to you.

Oh my poor girl. I just want to know how to help her. I just want to know what it is that is causing her despair. I want to name this thing. Name it so that I can fix it. BUT I can't really do anything. I just stay near by and reassure her that everything is alright. I pray over her, hold her when she lets me, and put her down next to me when she has had enough touch. I am really powerless. I have to give this baby and all her circumstances to the Lord knowing that He is the ultimate healer. In His time, these moments may be no more. How I just wish I could know when they will end? How I wish I could see some cause for them so that we could keep it from happening?

This journey is not for the faint of heart. This journey can be draining, exhausting, and so hard. It kills her daddy especially to see her like she was yesterday, but in these times we lean heavily on our Lord who gave her to us just as she is knowing that we were exactly who she needed.