This morning I walked past the bedroom of my daughters and peeked in at the bunk beds.  I watched my precious just turned five year old sleep for a minute and I let the reality wash over me that if I had followed my plans... I would be long done caring for babies by now.   I wouldn't know the tenderness of watching this little one sleep so peacefully.  I wouldn't have handmade cards waiting at the table with elementary sized print declaring their love for me..their mom.  I wouldn't hear their proud voices or silly giggles as they made breakfast for me all by themselves.  I wouldn't know the light in their eyes when they delivered said breakfast to the table complete with a fruit sculpture of my smiling face.  I wouldn't know the snuggles, the hugs, the stacks of muddy laundry, the sweet sound of praise songs being shouted at the top of their lungs, the whispered prayers complete with mispronunciations and such faith....I wouldn't know and man that I could have missed this rocks me to the core each and every time I consider it.  This life is hard, caring for all these babes with their medical and emotional needs is very much beyond my ability, but it is so very good.  So much better than anything I could have dreamed up to do with these years myself because God has made this amazing family for me to care for.  Out of brokenness and deep despair, He has brought these beautiful children to me to call my own, to teach about Him, and to simply enjoy.  I can't let myself imagine what it would be like if I had said no because frankly my heart hurts at that thought of not knowing and loving these incredible little people who are, by some miracle, mine to raise up in this season.  Just last night, my Molly was reading 1 John 4:19 on the wall in our living room as it sits among our family photos, and it is so true.  I love because He first loved me.  I know the depths of this love for my girls because I have been loved incredibly and unconditionally by a Savior who has blessed me with this life.  I will never deserve it.  I will never earn it, but in my sinfulness, He invited me to join Him in this anyway.  Such deep beauty.  Such overwhelming love.  It is my prayer that this Mother's Day you, too, know this love and that you enjoy being with the ones that God has allowed you to "mother".  Give thanks that He has equipped you to be exactly who they need you to be, and that you can live out life alongside them.  Happy Mother's Day.

Daddy's Home

This last weekend our Daddy headed to Dallas for a baseball chaplain conference.  He was away for a couple of days, and it was hard, but the most precious, amazing thing happened when he returned to us.  Our girls erupted with choruses of DADDY'S HOME, and JOY was so apparent on their faces.  They wrestled, hugged, and jumped on their Daddy with great relief because they missed him so much.  And it made me cry.  I cried because, while my girls know the love of a Godly man, millions in foster care and orphanages all over the world don't know what is to have a Daddy coming home to them.  And I prayed.  I prayed that men in the church would rise up.  I prayed that they would take the amazing gifts that God has given them to lead and love their families, and willingly open their hearts and homes to those who would not otherwise know what it is to have a Daddy.  Why are we so selfish with what God has given us that we are so unwillingly to share it with those who don't have it?  I don't have the answer to that question as I spent years with a blind eye turned to these children, and, oh, how I missed out on so many blessings by keeping our family so closed.  Today, I pray that God doesn't allow my heart to grow cold to the needs of these children, and that I will continue to pray and seek ways to serve them.  My heart is forever changed because of my daughters from China, and, while I am forever grateful to God for the gift of them, living with the knowledge that so many millions more wait is heartbreaking.  May we always be open to what God leads as His heart's desire is to see every child in a family.  Isn't there room for just one more around your table?

This Week..

This week...

I guided my, just turned seven year old, daughter as she sewed her first ever pillow.  She was beaming with pride...full of JOY..and let out "THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER".

I drove my cooing baby girl to the University to see another doctor.  I listened to her giggling as I drove because she loves moving her face in the sun as it streams in the Toyota's window.

I held my tiny four year old girl close as her hip was x-rayed because she injured it somehow, and I cuddled her little frame while she was examined and calling "Momma" with complete confidence that I would never leave her.

I answered the phone to hear the dear nurse at my eight year old daughter's school calling to tell me my sweet girl had a fever and was requesting her momma.

And it struck me.  It struck me that had I made one turn to the left..just one step away from this path I am on..that I could have missed this JOY completely.  If I hadn't been in the word regularly..if I hadn't been listening for God to speak..if I hadn't trusted him..if I had let fear get the best of me nearly seven years ago when all of this started, my life would be so different. 

Far less JOYFUL.  

Far less miraculous.  

Far less full.  

Which led to think.... 

I may not have missed this path, but what else have I let fear rob me of?  There are things that God calls us to do that scare us to death...aren't there?  New Jobs, new relationships, risks for His sake, adoption, foster care.. I was scared to death to enter this world of special needs parenting.  I never thought of adopting, and I certainly never dreamed of parenting five children.  The thought makes me laugh out loud.  There were days on this path that I was trembling in my boots.  Moments like the ones that I first saw my children, that I doubted whether I could do this, and the truth is..I can't, but had I let fear keep me from saying yes to this life..Oh what I would have missed out on.  If you have something that God has put on your heart, take the risk..follow..obey.  Don't let fear rob you of the great blessings that comes by living in God's will even if seems like a hard path to follow. 

I pray that I don't let fear control me..that I keep my eye's on the one who is writing my story, and obediently follow Him to all the places that He calls because I never want to miss the JOY that is always waiting there!

The Exercise Ball..Lessons Learned

A few hours ago, I was in the laundry room tackling the mountains of dirty clothes that come with a family of seven.  Outside the door is our family and playroom.  The door was open as I tediously complained in my mind about all this work, and outside the door as I was folding I could hear my Jillian.  I could hear her laughing, and bouncing the giant exercise ball.  I could hear her drumming the same huge ball with her favorite sticks, and my heart stopped complaining because I couldn't help praising Him for the miracle this girl is to us.  Seven years ago when I was handed this baby girl, she could not be near a ball.  Before entering any therapy room, gym, or classroom, I would have to make sure that all balls were well hidden because they TERRIFIED her.  She would refuse to go into any room at Easter Seals for therapy if those balls were hanging on the wall, and, not only that, she would often meltdown for hours..heck the entire day.. at just the sight of a ball.  Hear this fellow adoptive mommas, some of you are walking this hard right now.  Life is so upside down with so many circumstances out of your control, and you're weary.  Sometimes, it seems hopeless.  You love and love..give and give.. and yet you can't fix it.  You hold bodies in the night of your children as they revolt against you with no promise that they will ever allow you to comfort them...that they will ever love you back.  You walk down medical corridors everyday giving up time with your others while you sacrifice for this one that you have chosen to love from hard places.  You can't remember who you were before this started, and you honestly don't know who you will be when this all settles.  I get it so much, and, if I could sit across from you right now sharing hot tea, I would say miracles happen.  Love grows, and one day you will look back at this time seeing the work of God so clearly that you might just be thankful for it.  Thankful that God walked you through this hard, and for the love that grows through it.  Back then, I would have never dreamed that seven years later my little girl would play basketball with her Daddy, love PE, or tell us how much she loves us.  Heck, I couldn't let myself hope that she would ever communicate at all back then. Yet, here she is standing outside my laundry room door..whole..healed beyond my wildest dreams living life to the fullest, and bringing so much glory to the God who created her that I can't help, but praise.  Don't lose hope.  God knows you if you trust Him.  He sees your trouble, and He is good.

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, and He knows those who trust him.  Nahum 1:7

Today I cradled my youngest in my arms as she slept, and I took a minute to breath.  I watched the sun pouring in my huge front window, and, as I took it all in, I caught a glimpse of our family gallery wall to my left.  In that moment, I looked at the beautiful pictures of my Chinese daughters hanging there on the wall, and it was completely ordinary, as many families hang their children's pictures, and completely miraculous at the same time. These daughters with Ch*nese eyes hanging on the wall next to us.  It is such a juxtaposition with which we live.  Our sweet, precious babes going about life in an absolutely ordinary way yet each with a path to us that is beyond miraculous.  Living simultaneously between the ordinary and the miraculous is such a place to be.  I can be so overcome with emotion so quickly as I watch my girls living out this life.  I am struck by how God has orchestrated it all, and what an incredible miracle it is that my eight year just hopped in her Daddy's truck to head to a Special Olympics sports day with him by her side.  An eight year old, that at two was literally dying while waiting for a family, walking so strong, and so full of life as she touches so many.  I can watch my six and four year old (sisters and the best friends) playing soccer together in the backyard..completely ordinary..and be moved to tears.  Girls, with very different stories, from very different parts of China..sisters in this life..miraculous.  I hold and comfort my smallest babe singing "This is the Day the Lord Has Made" while she endures another medical procedure..Ordinary and So Unbelievably Miraculous all at once.  These miracles are something I could have so easily missed if I had gotten too caught up in the ordinary that was my life before my girls came home.  I could have listed a million reasons why I could never do this that God has me now living.  I would have looked at others doing this and thought they must be special or super spiritual or possess some great powers that I never could.  For years, I pushed away the longing in my heart to welcome more into our family as we were too ordinary to do anything this miraculous. One thing that I now know is that  God can make my ordinary miraculous if I just let Him.  Now, because my girls are in them, each and every ordinary moment contains a good dose of miraculous, and I can't imagine living any other way.  Beyond grateful that each and every ordinary moment I have includes these incredible, amazing babies because sharing life with them is the greatest blessing I have ever received.  That God would entrust me with such a precious gift is, often times, so beyond my reasoning, but I am grateful to Him for it.  This Christmas is it my deepest desire that other babies get to experience the same ordinary life that mine are as I pray earnestly that each and every orphan will be welcomed home.

Here I am logged into this space knowing that I have about five seconds before someone screams, poops, or calls for me with a impatient voice.  There is so much to say..so much going on in my heart, and yet the space and time to process is so elusive.  Days are chaotic, loud, and demanding.  Quiet and peace escape me as moments run together at such speed that days, weeks, and months jumble together.  I wish I could just stop for a second to get out some of the very important things that God is planting in my heart.  I long to just drink in the beauty that is marbled with the hard as I journey through this life.  How I desire so much to just have some time to be soaking in the Lord.  Yet with twenty hours a week of medical appointments, tea parties, requests for "SWING ME!", and so much more that demands my attention..such time doesn't ever come.  Isolation, business, and tasks so numerous it is impossible to not be overwhelmed are the enemies that haunt me these days, and yet even in the hardest of times this great HOPE that I carry from knowing Jesus is such a comfort.  This is all so temporary..the crazy, the chaos, the overwhelming..will all pass away, but this glorious HOPE is mine for eternity.  This morning I praise my God that He chose me.  I am grateful to know His love.  As I was feeling particularly overwhelmed one day last week, He pursued me making sure that Matthew 6:25 came up three different times over a span of two days.  Three times I read or heard..

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Three times the God of the universe revealed Himself to me to provide comfort and reassurance just because He loves me.  And I feel so incredibly burdened for those who go through this life without Jesus because, while my moments can be overwhelming just like everyone else, I have this JOY that comes in the morning.  I have this one who carries me when I can't walk myself.  I have this one who is beside me..inside me..day in and day out.  I have this one who never, never leaves me..never lets me down..never forgets me.  One who reminds me daily that I am His.  Beyond grateful this morning for this HOPE only Jesus can give.

Experiment Devotion

When Daddy found this experiment to illustrate Colossians 2 to use at Youth Group last week, he wanted to try it out with the little girls first.

They were thrilled to help Daddy of course.

Just look at my Jilly!  She is so engaged, so connected, and smiling at the camera.  In the beginning there were many dark days that I never could have dreamed this was possible.  All the more reason to praise God! 

My Anna Mei is obsessed with Jesus right now.  It is a beautiful thing, and I pray she keeps Him at the head of her life all her days.  She loves having  "preaching meetings" where she shares the gospel with her sisters.  Last week, she drew pictures of Jesus and wrote sentences about his dying on the cross to save the lost.  She took the pictures to the beach and hung them up in the restroom for all to see.  She loves Him with her whole heart so she was anxious to explain the illustration to us....

My days are so busy, but I love this life!  It is full of so much that makes each moment so much richer and more abundant than I could have ever imagined!  I am just so very thankful!

Today

The car is packed...overflowing really, and today is the day that I begin the journey to take my first baby to college.  I don't know how we got here, and I honestly don't know how we will survive.   I am an emotional momma by nature as I feel deeply about everything that matters most to me.  I can cry buckets over Gotcha Day videos even if I have no earthly connection to the parents welcoming their new babe.  I can rarely get through a worship set on Sunday morning without spilling a few tears, and often I choke back many daily as my sweet girls ask about their China mommas.  Anyway, the next three days as I move this dear girl of mine out of my house will not be pretty for this momma. No mascara will be worn.  Don't get me wrong, I want this.  This is what we parents plan our whole lives for..we love and train so that they can leave the nest and be successful.  I know that in my head without a doubt, but getting my heart to agree is another matter entirely.  I know many mommas say that the time goes by so quickly, and I would definitely agree.  I have done my best to prepare for this, and here we are just like that.  Today the journey begins.  Tomorrow, we will arrive at  her new home, unpack the cute, aqua decoupage crafts, hang the paintings, make her new bed, and close the door on her childhood.  YIKES!  My dear girl is ready, and I am so glad because this sobbing momma couldn't take it if my girl was a crying mess beside me.   If you think to pray for strength, this momma would be forever indebted to you as I know that I can do all things through Christ even if it means leaving my heart in the world without me beside her.

Precious Baby

I rock this baby to sleep, and hold her during her naps as much as I can.  As I snuggle this little babe against my chest, it is impossible to not be overcome with just how miraculous all of this truly is.  We have five amazing daughters that God has allowed us to raise for Him in this season.  Four beautiful babes from across the ocean. Once orphaned, these sweet, precious girls are now cherished daughters who, though they have no biological connection to us, are grafted into our hearts.  We call them ours.  Daddy takes them for bike rides.  They run into his arms when he comes home from work.  They sing VBS worship songs at the top of their lungs while they dance around our living room at night.  Though life with four littles who have varying degrees of special needs, and one big girl who is about to go off to college is so extremely chaotic, this life is so much more abundantly blessed by their presence than I could have ever imagined when I set out dreaming about what my life might look like when I started all of this.  I didn't even know to dream this big for my time here on Earth.  My dear man's favorite idea, that we first heard at a teen conference, is that God's plans are so much bigger than your imagination.  That is so true in our lives.  As I hold this dear one in my arms, I have so much reason to give thanks to God for planning this incredible life for me.  I continue to feel so unworthy of parenting these babes as I make many mistakes throughout the day, but God continues to show me about His mercy and grace in my life.   This huge story for us just started with one yes.  My has God taken our very shaky yes when we signed on, and turned it into a big, giant faith shaping journey.  Friends, knowing God and serving Him is the thrill of my life.  It is all that matters.  The only hope that never fades throughout our crazy, chaotic days.  I am so very grateful to know Him today, and all the days of my life, because, while so much about life isn't easy, I always have hope in Him.  

Meeting Ellie Grace's Diagnosis

You know going into adopting a child with special needs that there will be a diagnosis.  You know they will have special needs, and you choose to welcome that.  Having done this four times now, you know there is no way to know everything about what your child will have when they are finally home.  You choose a child not a diagnosis, and you walk through the dark, by faith, trusting that God will supply your every need to care for them as they grow.  I have done this all before.  I know how it goes, but when the CDD at the U called yesterday saying that Ellie's micro array test had turned up something..I started to panic.  Irrational thoughts swirled in my head about what it could be, and fear took over in my heart.  Immediately, I began going through horrible what if's.  What if she doesn't live until adulthood..what if she has some serious medical need that is life threatening..what if we have to walk through some scary medical stuff.. Then, the most beautiful thing happened. As I was spiraling into panic, my dear Anna Mei came up to me and out of nowhere said, "Momma, I want you to read me a bible verse right now."  She hasn't ever done that before.  I began to read passages aloud, and, as I did, the panic and fear I was feeling subsided.  My sweet six year old treasure listened to the Holy Spirit, and asked, at just that moment, to be read to from His word..which was just exactly what her momma needed to do to calm the fear in her heart.  How I love that my children minister to me.  I am grateful to God for the gift of my precious daughter who, because she knows Christ as her Savior, is filled with the living God who sent her to request that I read her the Bible at just the time I needed to be in the word myself.    What a treasure we have in His word if only we pick it up and read.  I am so thankful for the reminder of that from my beautiful six year old girl when I most needed it.

More to come about our precious treasure, Ellie Grace, and her designer chromosomes.  She is a rare beauty, indeed, designed very uniquely by a God who very intentionally made her perfectly.

Her First Rainbow and the Treasure at the End

This morning we woke up to the most magnificent double rainbow!  It was like an amazing gift at the beginning of a hard, hard week for us.  I couldn't ignore the JOY at 545 AM this morning from these little girls as they saw a real live rainbow for the first time ever.

What an incredible amazing gift these moments were.  Then, as my dear artist always does, Anna Mei headed to her easel to process the moment.  How I absolutely adore how this baby girl is wired.  She got out her paint sticks, rolled over a fresh canvas, and began to draw.

Suddenly she started writing something at the end of the rainbow all on her own.  She is so interested in writing and words right now that I wasn't surprised letters made their way into her art.

When she had finished, she looked up at me and said, "Mom, you are the treasure at the end of my rainbow."

Blessed this morning, and every single morning of my life by the presence of these babies, but this morning in particular I was reminded of it.  Reminded to give thanks that God has allowed me to stand beside them as their mom when they see their first rainbow.  Reminded of the gift, that truthfully can feel like a burden if I am honest, it is that I get to shape their little hearts for Him.  Reminded that therapy and medical appointments, while sometimes can make me so weary, are a privilege, that because of God's provision, we are able to provide our precious daughters because they are just that..daughters and no longer orphans.  Heading into this hard, hard week doesn't seem so overwhelming on this Monday morning because God allowed me these moments to remind me that He is always there, and that each day is a blessing because my baby girls are in them.

Reflections from the Playground

The little girls and I slipped away to the playground today to enjoy a bit of the beautiful weather we are having here in the Midwest.  I took full advantage of our retreat as my mind was full and my heart was overflowing.  I watched my Jillian simply filled with JOY as she explored the mud, leaves, and wood chips.  Simple.  Pure.  Happy.  It was a time of just being and enjoying the small moments that God grants us each day.  It got me thinking that I didn't always get the JOY in these moments.  I didn't always embrace the small things as so breathtakingly beautiful or even recognize just how perfect they could be.  I was busy.  Always busy rushing, doing, being..all that I thought I should be.  I watched that sweet eight year old girl of mine whose face was lit with the biggest smiles, and I relished in this lesson that she has taught me.  These small moments can bring the greatest JOY and much is heard when we just stop to be on days like this one.

Today, I heard the whispers that were so heavy on my heart as I waited to bring my first adopted daughter, this one I watched today filled with such JOY, home.  I remember more than six years ago now sitting across from my friend Amy in a Chinese restaurant just weeks away from traveling to my Jillian.  She had adopted twice before at that point and her first precious treasure has significant special needs.  I remember asking her if she knew about her dear girl's needs before saying yes to her.  I asked because in my heart I hoped with everything in me that I would not have one so special given to me.  Yet, I was given that kind of girl in my Jillian, and now I count being her mother as one of the greatest blessings in my life.  I just didn't get it before being given this girl.  I didn't understand the JOY in raising and loving such a precious one. The whispers, that bringing home a baby girl that needed so much would be dreadful, were the enemy's lies.  The fear that existed in my heart back then was that I would get to China and find a baby girl whose special needs were more numerous than I could imagine.  Welcoming a sweet girl into my family back then who would need care for the rest of her life was something I was so afraid of and I was sure that God would not do that to me.  Yet, here I am six years later and those scenarios I most feared, that came to be during that first adoption trip when I was handed my Jillian, are the very thing I give the most thanks for in my life today.

So it is with these different eyes that I look at my sweet Ellie Grace.  Her needs are great.  At two and half, she is developmentally a four month old.  She can't crawl, can't walk, doesn't eat solid food, and I could go on and on.  She too will likely live with us for the rest of our lives, but I don't see this as a burden at all.  On the contrary, I rejoice that God would once again allow me the privilege of loving one more precious girl.  I anticipate some times will be hard, but I also know that most of the everyday moments to come will feel like miraculous mountain tops because my girls are in them!  I know that no matter what this darling Ellie Grace accomplishes or where this life takes her, she will teach me much more than I could ever teach her.  God never wanted my life to be as easy or "perfect" as I planned it would be.  He had so much more than that for me, and I am so grateful that He did because these two precious babies, that I will have the privilege of caring for until my last breathes on this Earth, are so very valuable!

As I prepare to walk the halls of the University tomorrow with my newest treasure, these are the eyes I see her through.  Regardless of the numbers, outcomes, diagnosis, reports, or recommendations that come out of our six hour stay tomorrow..my Ellie Grace will be loved by me as my daughter all the days of my life.  I will give my life for her-laying down all that I am asked-just as my Lord did for me because she is made in His image....perfect, valuable, and fiercely loved by this momma!

Lessons Learned From Accepting Help

Over the years, we have been so blessed by the body.  Again and again, they have met our physical needs and our spiritual needs.  Sometimes these needs have been met in the darkest seasons of our lives, and sometimes they have been met in times of rejoicing.  Regardless of the season having help is what God intended.  He meant for us to live in community together sharing one another's burdens, joys, and day to day.  I know this in my head, but when a dear lady in our church insisted that she bring us dinner this week, I almost said no.  We are back to life.  We are settled in quite nicely and I just didn't think I needed it.  I am so glad that she insisted because it was our favorite meal..fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and chocolate chip cookies, and it gave me precious time.  Precious Time that I didn't have to spend making dinner.  Time that I had to sit next to my incredible six year old girl while she completed her first 100 piece puzzle.  Time that I could cuddle my Molly Kate, swing my Jillian, and carry my newest babe.  Time that I could just sit and be around the table with my teen talking about her day.  Time that I wouldn't have otherwise had to do any of this.  So, I thought long and hard about saying yes when those willing around me offer to help.   I will say yes when someone offers because, even when I don't think I need it, help is a gift from one believer to another that is intended to lighten our load and bless us.  When I say no to other's offers, I deny them the ability to follow the Lord's prompting in their hearts to serve me and I rob myself of a great blessing. Friends when those around you offer to help you in anyway just say yes!  And who knows, you might find a little one who loves chocolate chip cookies when you didn't expect to....

Thank you, dear friends, for your willingness to offer so much help this last year as we have journeyed to this girl.  You all are such a great blessing to us!

2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  Galatians 6:2

It's Been A Wild Ride..We Are Going to China!

After receiving TA yesterday, I was feeling so hopeless as we had a large financial gap standing between us and our Ellie Grace.  Last night, we asked our church family for prayer and wisdom concerning when to go, how to go, and what to do since we had such a large gap between what we had and what we needed to complete Ellie Grace's adoption.  Over the course of the evening, calls, donations, and support flooded in!  We were pledged and given nearly $8,000 dollars in just a few hours.  Friends, this is the miracle we were hoping for, and God delivered through our amazing congregation and friends.  When all the pledges come in we will have about a $5,000 gap, but we have that in our savings and were prepared to use it for our daughter's adoption so we got this! Today, we purchased our flights, began booking travel, contacted my favorite foster care home in Beijing to beg to volunteer, and jumped up and down because our Ellie Grace is coming home!  Anna Mei and I leave in just two weeks!  April 10th our Ellie Grace will be born into our arms.  TWO WEEKS!!!  I am so thrilled to be getting this baby girl home!  Thank you, thank you to each and every one of you!  China here we come!!!!

TA is Here

Our Travel Approval is here, but now I have to decide whether to take our dates that will be firmed up tomorrow or hold off because we aren't yet fully funded.  In four trips, I have never had to do this, and I'm a wreck.  I wish I could tell you that I was strong believing that God has a plan to bring this to the end that He has worked out, but I'm struggling.  I keep replaying the $8,000 car repair, new water heater, plumber visits, and all the other things that have minimized our savings in the last seven months. This adoption should have been easier as far as fundraising goes, but it has been a constant struggle with extra expenses!  I didn't sleep much last night because I want my baby girl home.  Tomorrow would be soon enough thank you very much.  To top it off, we are, once again as with Jillian and Anna Mei (I know lucky us!), going to be traveling during the trade fair which means hotel prices in Guangzhou are twice what we estimated.   This turn puts us even further behind where we hoped to be.  Even if we use ever single cent in our savings, we are not enough to cover this dear girls ransom by ourselves.  So here I sit, praying for some miracle so that I can hold this baby girl in two weeks!  TWO WEEKS!  OMW crazy, crazy!

He Just Wants Our Yes For Today

Recently, I had the privilege of walking alongside a very good friend as she left this Earth and went to be with Jesus.  It was extremely unexpected.  I never dreamed that the turkey and mayonnaise sandwich that I brought her on that Monday afternoon would be the last meal we conversed over on this Earth.  She was a friend of the best kind.  She loved deeply, gave unselfishly, and was present whenever I needed her.  When Sean had his accident last winter, she stayed at the hospital all night with me while he had his surgery.  She loved my babies as she was an avid Steven Curtis Chapman fan, and a special education teacher.  It was a match made by heaven our friendship.  God brought her into my life when I so desperately needed her, and He took her home way too soon.  She was 44 years old, and the first close friend I have ever stood beside as they left this world.

 Death does something to your heart.  It reminds you of how temporal all of this is that surrounds you everyday, and causes you to long to use these short breaths for eternity even more.  I had the pleasure of speaking to a group of young moms last week about what God is doing in my heart over the last month because of my dear friends passing.  While this last month has carried some hard, hard places, and deep aching at loosing such a dear one, it has been filled with many, many lessons that I can already see God is using for good.

After the funeral, I was battling some serious fear about bringing home another baby.  I am 40 myself, and it is crazy to be saying yes to being a momma of a two year old.  Let alone a two year old whose special needs are so incredibly great.  My mind was spiraling.  What if I died myself at 44 leaving this baby behind?  The attack in my thoughts went on and on and on.  Questions, doubt, and grief overcame my morning that day.  Y'all none of this comes from the Lord.  As I was folding laundry that morning, the Lord reminded my heart that He merely wants my yes for today.  I might not make it to tomorrow, but I can trust that God knows each and every day that He has laid out for my life.  He has a plan, which may or may not include my seeing this new babe grow up, and if He takes me home..He can handle her future.  He has her days laid out too.  He is calling us to this babe.  He just wants our yes for today, and each day that He gives us on this Earth.  We don't have to have everything figured out.  He is already there.

I will not let fear of the future paralyze me.  I will boldly follow the Lord into each new day trusting that He has a plan to use it!  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Even in her death, my dear Janele has lovingly ministered to me.

Yesterday

(I began writing this days ago, and left the title yesterday because frankly you all God is so very close to me in this season, but recording it in a timely manner not so much as each day is filled to over flowing.  The house is out of order.  I never sit down unless I am on the floor playing with a child.  Despite this, I feel as if I am on top of the world.  This summer has been so, so good.  The beach, the swimming pool, and filling my moments with all the little memories that make life worth living has been my main goal.  God is good, and life is FULL.)

Yesterday, I was driving across town with my littles in toe.  They were buckled in their seats with their swimsuits on as we were on our way to a dear friend's home to swim.  This wasn't just any old night swim though.  We were on our way to a fundraiser to help raise funds to bring home their son whom they hope to be matched with soon as they just finished up their dossier.  My emotions were all over the place as I drove across town looking in my rear view mirror to catch a glimpse at my three beautiful, Chinese daughters.  Fundraising memories flooded into my heart, and I just took a quiet moment  to praise God with my thoughts as I drove.  So many events, so many contributors, such little faith on my part, but what an incredible blessing each of my three adoption journeys was as I have these three amazing little ones in the back of my minivan because of the incredible people who shared what they had with us so that these girls could be called mine.  The faces of those who gave flooded my mind's eye.  I saw each card given, each donation, every moment that we worked, every need met was revisited during this short trip across town, and I just rejoiced for all that God has done.  He has been more than faithful!  What an incredible, faith building journey this has been.  What an incredible support system we have, and what an immeasurable blessing has been bestowed on us!  It is my prayer that I walk as one worthy of such a blessing as these beautiful girls, and that as we seek God's will for our family in the coming months I will be bold as one who has seen miracles and believes the Lord can do the impossible because I have seen time and time again!  Thank you dear friends for sharing this journey with us!  Mere words will never express how grateful we are to you for helping us along this road to our girls.  They are priceless.

We Are Not Fragile

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

I was driving home with my littlest peanut from speech therapy Friday afternoon.  It was just she and I, along with our amazing speech therapist, at the session.  Our speech therapist is practically a part of our family as she has been working with Jillian the last two and a half years since we have moved here.  I am so thankful for her.  Since our speech therapist is so incredible, Miss Molly and I have started seeing her too.  Molly's speech and language development was significantly behind her peers as she couldn't hear anything we were saying until about four months ago when she got her first set of hearing aids.  Since beginning to hear though our girl's language has taken off.  She has made nearly a year's growth in the last four months which in itself is incredible, but when you throw in the fact that she has only heard English for a bit less than a year, it is is down right impossible that she is making such great strides.  She is bright our girl.  She is creative.  Inventive. Amazing.  Honestly, her potential to change this world for the better is limitless!  This week, she even started labeling objects with color words.  I suspected she had learned them, and so I set up a few test scenarios for her.  Well, she does indeed know her colors!  Anyway, I thought about how her special needs have really been a nonissue.  I recounted the first conversation I had about her in my head with the worker assigned to her file by the agency.  I thought about the feelings I had when I found out that so many families had asked for her file as I was sure she was meant to come home to us.  There were many, many families "in front" of us looking at our daughter's paperwork.  Her special need, and saying yes to her, was risky.  Radial Dysplasia can be associated with a lot of scary stuff, but oh how I am thankful that we didn't let fear rob us of the pleasure of knowing this baby girl and calling her our daughter.  She is such a joy!  She is an amazing, wonderful little babe who is bright, capable, and remarkable!  I recently talked with a friend about a podcast she listened to that challenged Christians to stop thinking we are so fragile.  I thought that fear must have kept all those other families from saying yes and moving forward with bringing our babe home.  (I am so thankful it did as she is now mine.) Mostly though, I thought about all the things that fear has kept me from doing.  I am certain that I have missed out on much as I haven't said yes to things God has called me to do as I have been paralyzed with fear.  How I long to live in a place in my life where I run to the truth of God's word.  We are not given a spirit of fear, but one of power!  We are not fragile!  In the coming months as life is settling in to a peaceful ebb and flow here, I am praying that I will not be paralyzed by fear, but I will live each day ready to say yes to the next thing God shows me to do even though it is CRAZY.     

Return to Life AS Usual

 This last month has been crazy to say the least.  God has been so very good, and He has met our needs abundantly, but on Thursday afternoon in my kitchen when Daddy was making mac and cheese for lunch while the girls were busy with various projects around the table waiting..I looked around, sighed, and thanked God for this back to normal moment.
Molly sorted water beads in Easter eggs by color though I didn't prompted her at all about how to play with them that way.  This girls loves her some order.  She's got a killer pincer type grasp too even without a thumb.  She continues to blossom, and develop beyond our wildest dreams.

 Anna Mei was busy with a tape resist sidewalk chalk painting of a cross.  It was super easy and turned out great!  She even used the tape to make her A  on another project.

 Jilly was involved with flinging the water beads all over creation while laughing and smiling.

Then Molly, aka Cinderella in her dress up garb, moved on to painting too.  All the while through the noise and business, Emily refused to be photographed and Daddy accomplished making lunch.  Good.  So good.  So typical.  Happy, happy days are being had here as we give thanks to God for seeing us through this last month.  We continue to face challenges, but I am so thankful for these ordinary moments of good!  I love this little family God has allowed me to care for in this life.  What a tremendous blessing to be able to walk with them through this.

My Man

My man is strong and courageous.  He is taking on life with his one good eye, and getting back to the business of serving the Lord as he is with his youth at a conference for the weekend this very minute.  He will not be thwarted, and it just makes me so proud to see him determined to conquer this trial.  The Lord is mighty is in his life!  I am so excited to see what God has in store for us in the coming months because of this blip in the road.  We are so much better for it already, but I know our good, miracle working God is up to something bigger than we could ever imagine.  Much of my life, and deepening walk with God, is based on trials that I have experienced.  I wish I didn't have to be in need to lean so much on the Lord, and to grow in my relationship with him, but it is definitely the way the Lord continues to use to show His love, mercy, and grace to me the most clearly. 

My Jilly just loves her Daddy.  Jilly is seven, but is really much younger because of her special needs.  His being out of it, not being able to carry her, feed her, and play with her has been hardest on her.  She is nonverbal, but she continues to process the events of the last month using sign, and her Nova chat to communicate what is on her heart.  She continues to ask if Daddy will have surgery..will Daddy take her to the park again..Daddy carry me.. At times, this has been heartbreaking for my man, who loves my very special Jilly more than most could ever imagine, as he has recovered.  He was back up and at it as soon as he could be for her, and, while he still can't lift her (she is 42 pounds at seven years old) because of his doctors limitations as he heals, she is so happy to have her Daddy back!  We all are..

I have set the Lord always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Psalm 16:8