Hard Times

Hard Times. We have them just like anyone else who is a parent and has their heart walking on the outside of their body. Maybe not having our baby girl from the beginning just makes the hard times we have with her seem harder to us or maybe after twelve years the intesity of the first time around wih darling kiddo has faded.

Jill went to the ENT today. We took the elevator up as the office was on the third floor. (We should have known to take the stairs.) Her meltdown was bad. Hard. She cried-no screamed-with deep intensity and flailing for over an hour all because of the elevator. We tried to calm her. Tried to walk her outside (taking the stairs), tried to rub her back, tried to soothe her, distract her, put her down, pick her up BUT nothing worked. The doctor was so nice and got us out of there in record time even letting us walk outside until they were ready to take us back. (I am sure it was unpleasant for them to hear her screaming.) Despite all of our best efforts to calm her nothing worked to help her. She was completely out of control. She screamed the entire time we were out today. Even when we went to the car and were done in the doctor's building, she could not calm herself. She was a big mess and I have to admit..I let myself get a little messy too. I cried right along side her. Cried for all that she has been through. Cried because I don't always understand what she needs. Cried because sometimes this journey is so hard.

After getting home, I took her to the rocking chair in her room and it was as if she hadn't just been melting down for the last hour. She stopped. Stopped just like that the minute we got to the chair..What was she thinking? I can't help but wonder what she was going through. Did she remember riding the elevator to the third floor of the Civil Affairs Office on Gotcha Day in China and being left with us? Was she revisiting the trauma she experienced then? We will never know. She can't tell us.

Praying that this episode doesn't have a lasting impact on her. This is the second one this week. The first meltdown was just as fierce and took longer to run it's course than this one. I need prayer. I really do. I want this baby healed. I want her to be able to handle life and right now she just can't always do that. Also, it is so easy for Satan to worm his way in with lies when I am weary during a meltdown. So easy to hear him saying..you can't do this. You're not good enough. Pray that I would fill my mind and heart with truth knowing that God made me for a time just as this and I can do all things through Him.

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts you. Keeping my mind on him. Trusting Him. Knowing that He is in control and loves Jill even more than I do.

Surgery is scheduled for Nov. 17th (ten more weeks!! UGH!!!). She will have a sedated hearing test, tubes inserted, and wax removed. Praying the time flies. I just want this done. Thanks for praying. We need it.