Those Shoes

Those shoes. Jill saw them today. She picked them out of a pile of ten or so pairs and brought them to me as I sat next to her on the floor. Those shoes. The ones she had been wearing the day she left her old life and was thrown into her new one. She lifted those two little shoes and held them up to me. She wanted me to see them. She wanted me to know that she remembered them..that they represented something to her. Those shoes. I talked to her about those shoes as she held them..about how she was wearing them the day that God placed her in momma's arms. Those shoes are from your orphanage..Those are Jill's shoes...I kept saying again and again. Then she wanted to put them on. I squished her feet in those shoes. Her eyes were so sad and she kicked them off. She laid sprawled on the floor with that look in her eyes-Staring at those shoes. My heart was breaking in two. I knew she was thinking about her past. I knew those two shoes were causing her to remember. Then, she started to sob and she wanted me to hold her. She sobbed for a long time while I rocked her and rubbed her back reassuring her that she was in the arms of her momma and that she would never have to be without me again. I tried to tell her that I understood how sad she must be and how much she must miss China. Then, I just started sobbing myself for all the pain this sweet, precious baby has felt. Pain that time and her momma's love will never fully erase. Those shoes are a reminder of that today. A reminder that God is the only one who can fully heal this precious girl and turn the ashes of her life into something beautiful.

It is so hard for me to understand sometimes how I can love this little one so much. After only four months, she is really still a stranger to me in many ways. Yet strangely, I would die for her. She is mine-her pain is my pain. She is my daughter and today it broke my heart to see her hurting so much. While it broke my heart that she was hurting..how I love that she wants to be in my arms. I feel beyond blessed to be her momma. I feel blessed that God has allowed us to do this..Blessed that we can call her ours.