Just a Swinging..

Look who loves her new swing that Daddy mounted in the door frame. It is the same kind of platform swing she loves to use in her therapy sessions at Easter Seals and having one at the house has been wonderful!! Just look at that smile...

Being able to devote thirty minutes each morning to swinging her is such a blessing and something that this momma doesn't ever take forgranted. Thanking Jesus that I am able to be home so that I don't miss these faces and her joy!

Speechless

The joy of these beautiful days has left me speechless. Truly speechless..
Being a mother is by far the greatest gift that God has ever given me and my girls are such a huge blessing. Love seeing them together this year and experiencing Christmas together. God is so good and I am blessed to know Him!

Sadness

I have been exceedingly happy in the last few weeks. I love, love, love to have my house filled with many (which happened much last week) people. I love the lights, the decoration, the cookie making, the music, the ultimate gift of a Savior that we celebrate this season. Having our Jillian home to experience it all with us has just provided this momma with a happiness so big that I find it hard to describe.

Happiness has been so present in the last weeks...still there is a sadness that is ever present in my heart because this Christmas millions of children don't know this happiness. Millions of children still sit and wait for a family. It literally shatters my heart in a million pieces to think of. Children as valuable and precious as my girl..without a daddy's arms to hold them and without a momma's touch to tuck them in. Children without hope of ever having a family to call their own.

I am broken for these children. Broken and begging God to allow me to do more this year. God chose Jillian for us. He meant her to be ours out of the millions of children waiting..she belongs with us. Could you have a child God set apart for you? Could there be something you could do to welcome a boy or girl in His name?

I can't even begin to tell you the blessings God has bestowed upon us this year because of this little girl resting at my feet as I type. Giggling and batting her hands inside the large, green bowl she drug out of the kitchen cabinet. It all seems so surreal that she is here and she is ours..but this Christmas this is our miracle. It is our girl being home and growing so much, learning so much, and living joyfully with hope each and everyday..because God showed her to us and called us to be her family..What could God be showing you this Christmas? Is your miracle waiting there..just waiting for you to say yes?

Doing the Dishes?

One of my favorite things to do when Emily was little was to have her in the kitchen with me. I let her "help" with everything and Jillian is no different. In the last week, this special girl has spent so much time with me in there including doing the dishes..

Water? Is this for real?

Hanging out here in this water is awesome fun!
This brush feels so funny.

It's stuck! Hmmm..

Whoa there it goes! Wheee!!

Happy! So happy! All three of us were in the kitchen surrounding her as she played. We are so happy to have her here. So happy to surround her every momment and just marvel at all the wonder in her eyes. I am so blessed to have this family. We are truly happy and I can't imagine life without this treasure in it. So funny it seems like she has been here forever.

The Answer to the Question

Since saying that we are very open to adopting again, so many people have asked me if I think I can care for another little one. The answer to that question is always on my heart..always. The words however are not always there to explain. The truth is I know it will be hard and I don't always know for sure that I will be able to do it. Last night, I lay in bed with a million thoughts mulling in my mind and the answer from my heart's perspective swirling there so clearly that I got up and prayed.

Prayed about the answer.

Prayed about my response to God's calling.

Prayed that I would hear His voice clearly and be able to answer to Him in a manner worthy of the one who made me.

So here is what is on my heart. It is mostly for me to read again and again and again when I am discouraged or unsure..but I am sharing it here in case God might speak to you through it...Here goes..

There are 147 million orphans around the world that go to bed at night without a momma to tuck them in, without a daddy to turn out the light, without sisters to snuggle next to. I have seen the orphan with my own eyes..malnourished, neglected, bed sore ridden, infected, dirty. AND I love the orphan because she is my daughter. I cannot stand before the Lord one day and pretend that I didn't see them. I can't stand before Him who made me and make excuses about why I saw them and didn't do more. I can't say to Him..it would have been too hard or stressful. I can't say to Him..it was just too much to care for the first one you gave me. I can't because I want to give Jesus all that I am. I want to be about making much of Him not about choosing what is easiest or even seemingly best for me.

He says in the word in Isaiah that we are to defend the cause of the fatherless and in James that pure religion is to visit the orphan and widow in their distress. My part of this is to adopt. Adoption is not every one's calling, but everyone is called to do something. Adoption just happens to be the way I feel God is calling me to fulfill these commands. It seems crazy. It seems unwise, but God willing I am waiting for Him to bring me more to care for in His name because I want these children, who are precious in His sight, to know the love of a family so that ultimately they can have a chance to know the love of their Heavenly Father, accept the gift of His Son, and spend an eternity in Heaven with Him.

I count it a privilege to be able to mother my little one and though at times it has been very hard..I have JOY! Joy because this is exactly where God has called me to be. So I continue to walk by faith and wait for His hand showing me the way to go. Maybe He will shut every door to adding children to our family right now or maybe He will ask us to do something even crazier that we never dreamed or imagined. I am open. Open to what He wants even if it seems a little crazier because I love Him and this love is just too wonderful not to share with more.

The Toughest Task Yet

Yesterday, I faced the toughest task of this adoption journey yet. That was getting my almost teenager to agree to wear elf pajamas that match her two year old sister for Christmas pictures. BUT OH BE STILL MY HEART..these two are so darn adorable together in their matching pjs.

Secretly sissy loved having pics with Jill in these pjs. Though she is protesting it this very moment and doesn't want this picture posted..Growing up is hard to do.

Isn't this the chubbiest elf you've ever seen?

Hard to believe she was significantly underweight just seven months ago.
A precious gift is our girl.

Who can stand that smile?

Such a sweet, sweet face.

We love this baby so very much!

I wonder what it is like for her to constantly have three white people following her around, taking pictures of her, and making a big fuss over her. Does she wonder what in the world is so special? She is so special and we are so blessed this holiday season to have her home and in our arms.

Mommy's Little Helper

Here she is helping me in the kitchen. Truth be told..she loves to watch the stand mixer go round and round. She will stand on the chair at the counter and watch me use all the utensils while smiling as she watches that mixer. She's even wearing the little apron that used to be Emily's that matches mine. Every little girl needs an apron that matches her momma's. Right?

So so cute...this little peanut is a huge blessing.

She even rolled the peanut butter ball mixture in her hand for a while. I absolutely love having a little one in the kitchen with me again. I know that these moments will be gone all too soon. So this time around..I am embracing every mess, every extra minute, every smile, all the wonder..and I LOVE IT!!! Hope you are taking the time to enjoy these moments in your house this season. Peanut butter balls don't last long at my house so we'll be whipping up another batch here soon.

I Wondered About Her

Sitting with this little bundle in my lap as Christmas music filled the air in our sanctuary, I shed a tear as I wondered this Christmas..

Does the woman, a half a world away who gave you life, think of you everyday?

Does she mourn the daughter that she will never know?

Does she imagine your laugh or your smile?

Did she ever dream that you would be mine, living in America?

Did she know that when she made the ultimate sacrifice and surrendered you, that she was giving me the greatest gift of my life?

I wonder about her and at times it makes me cry. I can't imagine my life without Jillian and I can't imagine the circumstances the she must have faced that caused her to make the ultimate, loving sacrifice and give up her child. I pray for her all the time..Jillian's birth mother. I pray that she has peace. I pray that her heart knows the Lord and that one day in heaven I will meet her and thank her for giving me this precious, priceless gift.

Her First Party

She went to her first party. OH YES SHE DID!! The church staff Christmas party was tonight and she was there. She ate a little, played with a new toy there, and (despite her face in this picture) enjoyed herself. I never dreamed. I never imagined..so much success this week. So many typical things that we have been able to enjoy together. It's a wonderful feeling. I even got to eat some of the yummy food myself. She is miracle..a real miracle. Daddy commented about how she just needs to be able to get into a new place and eat. Then she can be comfortable. It's so true. Eating is a predictable routine. It is an activity that she is familiar with and one in which she knows exactly what to expect. While she is eating, she has time to get used to her new surroundings and after she is done..she can enjoy the new place a bit more. She pretty much hung out in the kitchen, but people came in and out sitting by her a spell and visiting and she did fine. Just fine! It is so good!

What a Day..

Her first snow.

Praying that we never loose the magic that comes with all of our baby's firsts. I hope that we never take for granted the fact that each moment, each experience is a precious gift from God.

(She loved the snow, but transitioning to a heavier coat is not so easy. She was really unhappy to not be wearing the flower jacket this morning, but it is so chilly that the spring jacket has got to go. I hope she gets used to the new one soon. She wouldn't even play in the nursery next door at church this morning because she was still distressed about having to wear that coat to get there. She just walked to the door and motioned to go home. :( Daddy says to just keep the light coat on her, but this momma thinks it is too cold for that. We'll see how it goes.)

Numbers..I Hate Them

I am processing a lot this past week. So much is swirling in my head and mulling in my heart. I have started a post several times and then deleted it. Typed, then retyped some more only to stare at a blank page again. God is doing so much. Speaking so clearly and at times it leaves me spinning.

Monday started with therapy last week and numbers. Which leads me to this..I hate numbers..Assessment numbers that is-hate them...Age equivalent scores are down right evil if you ask me. These numbers for my baby girl are still so very low and all those blasted numbers do are turn my eyes from the Lord and leave me asking questions. Will I ever hear her sweet voice say "I love you momma"? Will she ever be able to dress herself? Will she read? Will she have to attend public school? Will she... all things that I have struggled with all week. Struggling not because I am not willing to embrace the answer to each of these questions being not what I hoped, but struggling because it is all so unknown. Struggling because in my mind, I want to have a plan for the future. I want to be in control. One thing the Lord continues to teach me is that I may not see my dreams for her this side of eternity. One more thing is for sure, He is in control and I am not. He continues to teach me that He is the ultimate reality maker. His reality for my baby girl may not match this momma's dreams for her, but His plan is that her life, and our part in it, bring Glory to His name. Ultimately, that is what I want to live for-to bring glory to Him who made me and my baby girl. If she never speaks..God is still good. If she never reads..God is still good. If she never gets to attend the special, christian school we love so much..God is still good. I will still love Him. I will still serve Him and I will still obey Him walking by faith into this unknown future that I can't see. A future that is filled with joy and abundant love because He has allowed our Jillian to be in it with us.

I Watched You Sleeping..

Dearest Baby Girl,
Today I watched you sleep. I listened to you take each breath. I watched you suck your thumb intently all curled up in a ball..your bare toes peeking out from underneath your tucked in legs.
I watched you and love overflowed from my heart. I watched you and I wished that every child could have a mother to watch them sleep. I wished that we didn't have to leave any behind. I wished that no children would have to live another minute as an orphan living in an institution. I wished every child could have a mommy and daddy who could spend the chilly morning at the park with them just like you had this morning. My heart breaks over it so often..the ones left behind. I cry out to God for them and wish it could be different. My child loving you has changed me. Loving you has given me such a deeper perspective of what matters. Loving you has left my heart raw in ways that I never imagined. I am grateful to you. Grateful for the way that you continue to open my eyes to the ways of the Lord and His call to care for the fatherless. At 27 pounds, you have so much power over my heart. I love you deeply and am beyond blessed to have you sleeping upstairs. Beyond blessed that God opened my eyes and my heart to you and that you are my daughter.