What Walking Beside Those Growing Old Has Taught Me

We are blessed enough to be able to swim indoors at least once a week at a warm therapy pool here in our new city.  My little girls love the water and so I take them to swim for a few hours during the day in this beautiful facility.  We are, by far, the youngest swimmers present each time we go.  We usually crash the water aerobics class that takes place for senior citizens.  In addition to this class, there are also a few other stray men and women, well on in their years, who share the space with my rowdy littles.  Today there was a man there who was probably close to eighty.  This is only about the third time we have seen him here.  He seems to have had a stroke, as he has serious mobility issues, and his face is always mangled like he has been defeated by the neurological issues that plague him.  He is always stoic, always quiet, and goes about his business of walking up and down the pool which in and of itself is a true struggle.    Today, we walked up to the pool expecting the key to be hanging by the door for the class participants as it always is, but there was no key and the pool was locked.  This meant we had to trek back down to the desk to pick up a key.  My Jillian was beside herself with despair.  She thought for sure we weren't going to get to swim.  She began to cry as I scooped her up in pursuit of that key.  When we finally got back to the pool and unlocked the door, she was thrilled though you could see that she had been crying.  And that man, that man who always looked so stoic..the one who never smiles and always looks defeated and in pain..smiled at my sweet, special treasure.  He offered her his floating dumb bells and continued to interact with her throughout his swim.  When my girl swims, it is hard not to catch a bit of her exuberant joy as she jumps, drives, shouts, and laughs with decibels hardly reached by this group of seniors.  At one point, he came right up to her face and she looked him right in the eyes.  He touched her nose and she squirted him plum in the face with water.  It made us all smile.  This sweet treasure, who has known defeat herself before knowing the love of this family, touched this man so deeply that for a moment I saw a glimpse of who he once was apart from his broken body.  This moment made me think that one day in the blink of an eye my babies will be grown and my body will be aging.  I won't be chasing these wild, Chinese monkeys forever because they are going to grow up.  In the craziness of my days, I long to just remember to take a moment to look my girls in the eyes and take in a bit of the joy that having them near should stir in my heart.  For just a moment, I want to stop thinking about missing quiet or hobbies or rest and just simply desire to be the best momma I can be for them in this crazy, active season because this season will soon be over.  One day, my house will be clean, the laundry will be caught up, and I will be the one going to this pool for the water aerobics class missing my babies in my arms.  God is so good to have brought so many into my life because of these girls whom have taught me so very much!  I am thankful for each and every lesson.

Tonight..

Tonight I had my littles alone as Dad and Em had a school function.  It is on nights like tonight that I let my mind think about just how different our lives look these days.  Having littles, these beautiful Chinese daughters, was never my plan, but tonight as I had both sitting on my lap wrestling and laughing until we couldn't keep from crying I thanked God that His plan is so much sweeter than all I thought I ever wanted.  It was a busy day full of diapers, potty training, show downs, playing in the toy kitchen, baths, splashing (water on the ceiling), and much, much more.  It was an oatmeal kind of day as it was just ordinary, but when you are in God's will as I am in taking care of these precious, cherished treasures even oatmeal tastes gourmet.  To God be the glory for each and every moment that makes me smile and count just how blessed I am to follow Him.

This is the day that Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Thankful for Every Moment

Yesterday I took my angel upstairs to lay her down for her nap. It was 1:00 like always when we made our way up the stairs to her room. I follow the same routine everyday. I change her diaper, lay her down, and rock beside her bed until she falls asleep. Usually, she goes to sleep very quickly. Not yesterday.. Yesterday, as I sat rocking doing my Bible study in her room that little peanut was sitting up looking me right in the eye and wearing a wide smile as she did it. Yesterday was a battle. I couldn't help, but smile to myself though because she gave me her eyes in those moments. She looked right into me as if to say...I'm not going to sleep.

I wrote this in the margin of my Bible study workbook..
I praise you God for this precious girl. I thank you above all else that it is my eyes that she is staring into right now instead of going to sleep. Thank you Lord that I'm not missing this. Thank you for the gift of these moments..each and every one!

I am so blessed to be home with her. So blessed to be the one to put her down each day even when putting her down for a nap is a battle. I was thinking today that autism has given me this blessed gift..pushed us over the edge of letting go of our American Dream and demanded that I stay home. Autism in that sense has been an incredible blessing as it has given me the desire of my heart..to stay at home to care for my family. God has used autism..though it seems like a trial...for good in our family's life already. I know He will continue to do that and much glory will be brought to His name through our Jillian's life.

Speechless

The joy of these beautiful days has left me speechless. Truly speechless..
Being a mother is by far the greatest gift that God has ever given me and my girls are such a huge blessing. Love seeing them together this year and experiencing Christmas together. God is so good and I am blessed to know Him!

Lessons Learned in the Checkout Line

I had to go to the grocery store this morning..along with most of the rest of everyone else who lives in our town. The place was packed. The lines were long and the wait to checkout..well it was long too. There I was sandwiched between two sweet, elderly people who apparently had known each other for a long time, maybe since their children were small, but who hadn't seen each other for quite a while. I eased dropped on their conversation, though it was unintentional,because I was in the middle of them. They exchanged how are you's and updates about their children. One had just become a great grandma again and had finally had a girl. The other shared news about his grandchildren and some health struggles his wife was having. Both talked with sparkling eyes about the holidays and how their children would be home. Talking of their children being home caused both of their faces to light up which made me think..this time of business, ball games, laundry, rice on the floor (and in every nook and cranny), toys in the living room...is only temporary. All too soon, my girls will be gone..grown. As I thought about this, I was reminded that each precious moment that I have to pick up after them, care for them, hug them, serve them as their momma is a blessed gift and one that I should not wish away or take for granted. My turn at wearing the shoes of those elderly who stood on either side of me in the grocery line isn't far off. Time is ticking away and today I am thankful just to have it. I am enjoying it. Enjoying throwing the rice on the floor with my babe to watch it bounce and hear her giggle. I am even going to try to remember enjoying quizzing Emily for the hundredth time this week over the same science material that she has more than memorized because doing well is so important to her. My girls are growing up faster than I care to think about and today..today I am going to enjoy them. Love them. Lead them in the Lord and simply be grateful to Him who gave them to me in the first place.

I Lost It

I really desire above all else to glorify God through this journey. I want desperately for people to see Him through me as I care for my little one.

It got messy yesterday at therapy and I had to ask the therapist to leave. It wasn't my best moment. I was upset and the only thing I could do was ask her to leave. We are getting another therapist..

I am so passionate about my daughter. I love her so much. I am also certain that how I am parenting her and the things that I am doing to help her heal emotionally and bond to our family are the best practices..not because I made them up myself, but because I am reading things and watching DVDs from Dr. Karyn Purvis. I have also attended thirty plus hours of classroom training online and at our home study agency before bringing her home about parenting kiddos from hard places and have read at least thirty different books on the subject. Most importantly, I lean heavily on God's word and His wisdom.

My daughter spent the first two years of her life neglected, underfed, and under stimulated. Some people just don't understand this piece of my daughter's puzzle. She needs to be nurtured not encouraged to go off alone in solitude to soothe herself. She needs to be attended to when she cries and has anxiety not left to cry it out. She needs to know that I will care for her, protect her, and fight for her. Right now her emotional well being and our attachment have to be my number one priority. Call me crazy, but I don't care if she sits for ten minutes and puts plastic bears in cups. She is just a baby having only been allowed to live in this world for the last five months. So, I lost it. I really lost it. God isn't glorified when I loose it.

I bet this is not the last time it's going to happen, but I have deep regret that I couldn't have handled it differently. I have been feeling that this therapist just didn't match up with my philosophy for at least two months and I should have done something before it got this far. I shouldn't have let the coordinator talk me out of switching two months ago when I first brought it up because it required more paperwork. Forgive me Lord. Give me wisdom and strength as I continue to navigate this world of being a parent of a child who is so very special. I love my Jillian so, but I need to remember that you love her even more than I do. I need to remember that you have a plan for her life. Help me Lord. Help me remember that.

Off the Path to Worship

Jillian led me off the path today.

She was crossing the street at the park this morning. We were entering the trees where she usually begins to pick up sticks and poke at the tall tree trunks that we pass by as we walk in the grass. Suddenly, she turned around and led me to the swing set off the path situated by itself back near the popcorn stand.

We were alone there. It was just the two of us along with a few chirping birds and some squirrels playing in the trees. She motioned for me to sit on the swing. I did as I scooped her up in my arms and sat her in my lap. At that moment, I was overcome by the beauty of my God. Here I was sitting with this little treasure in my lap taking in the sights of the park at its autumn peek. The clouds overhead billowed with fluffy whiteness as I raised my eyes to the heavens. There I was sitting on a swing with my girl. This beautiful girl once discarded. This little one I had missed and long for those ten months of waiting. This little one from across the sea-now mine. Here. In my arms. Once again this little child leading me into an intense, beautiful, and overwhelming moment of worship..

I couldn't help, but praise Him.

I started to sing...

I love you Lord and I lift my voice
to worship you.
Oh my soul rejoice.
Take joy my King
in what you hear.
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.

I sang it again and again. We must have sat swinging there as the leaves dropped for twenty minutes. I was singing that praise chorus the entire time. As I was cuddling her little frame, the tears came and it was as if God was whispering..I made you for this. I made you for this. He made me to love this little girl. He made me to be her momma and He made me to simply worship Him because of it. Miraculous. I continue to marvel at just how amazing it is that I get to do this. He made me for this. What a feeling. What a God. What an honor to be able to mother this treasure. What an incredible blessing to have such an incredible man and mature, loving daughter to do it alongside.

I love you Lord. You are the thrill of my life. Truly I continue to be blown away by you.

Recovery and Preparation

We were swinging today at the park like always. But because the electric sprinkler system doused the silver swing that is usually stop #2 of our route, we were rerouted to a black swing near the road. All part of God's plan for us this morning because from the black swing we were visible from the road..and wouldn't you know this morning "my class" ( I was a special ed teacher before staying home.) was out on a morning community trip with their new teacher. Their wonderful teacher spotted me from the swing (because of the reroute) and they pulled into the park to say hello. It was so good to see them. I miss those special kiddos so much.

My first instinct was to get on the bus to hug them. Of course, Jill was not OK with that and she started to cry. I got off the bus immediately and started to walk with Jill, but was sure that she was entering into meltdown mode and we would have to leave the park. I kept walking with her, holding her close, and singing to her (sorry to those at the park-I can't sing).

Then, the most wonderful thing happened as we walked...
SHE RECOVERED.
SHE ACTUALLY RECOVERED!!!
I can hardly believe that I am able to say that BUT it's true..SHE RECOVERED!!

We were near the beginning of our swing route by this point and so she just started all over again. We started with swing #1-then #2-then the playground. She fully recovered and enjoyed another hour at the park. It was probably one of the most victorious mornings of my life. I am not kidding.

Starting our route again also gave me time to think as we were swinging. I was thinking about how God has been preparing me to be this special girl's momma for the last 13 years. I am no stranger to the world of special kids, therapy, communication devices, joint compression, deep massage, sensory integration methods, IEPs, or the like. In fact, special kids is my professional specialty and one of my passions. God has been developing that in me and He knew that this special little girl would be mine and that I could use all that knowledge for her. It struck me again that God is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. He has it all planned out for our good even when it seems less than good at the time. AMAZING! Amazing that I get to be this little one's momma and that God has been preparing me for it all of my life. How I love knowing that His hand never leaves me..How I love knowing He is bringing about His perfect will in my life each and every day.

Just Now..

She cried out just now. She's been sleeping for about two hours and something jarred her awake. I went in to find her sitting up, crying with her arms up in the air and her eyes closed. When she opened her eyes just now-it was her momma's face she saw. It was her momma who scooped her up and loved her back to sleep. It was her momma who rubbed her little back after laying her down again. Oh, to not have to miss this..I can't even begin to express the gratefulness I have in my heart because of that. Blessed to be home.

Change of Plans

You know if there is one thing having a toddler again has shown me it is...my plans may not ever be my reality. The plans I have are sensible, practical, desirable (to me), but if Jill isn't down with them-they just don't happen. This is hard for me-I'll admit it. I can be selfish and when I want something to be a certain way I struggle when it doesn't happen.

This is one of my biggest hang ups with not being in church for worship. Every Sunday, I plan on going. I plan on being a part of the corporate worship experience. I plan on wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, putting Jill in a darling dress, and being spiritually "fed". We have been home for three months now and well our little miss just doesn't always like my plans for Sunday morning. She tends to be very uncomfortable in the church building, doesn't like all the people, doesn't like to not be able to move freely when ever and where ever she wants to AND so because of this my times in worship have been very limited.

I step out of the house each Sunday morning ready, but despite my best efforts I generally have to leave worship most Sunday mornings with an overstimulated, screaming baby girl. Sometimes I'm annoyed by this. Sometimes, I just want to be in worship. After all that is my plan. It seems like a good plan. Seems like God would want me in worship. My plans should be honored.

Here is where the selfish comes in. It happened two weeks ago. Jill was on the verge of a meltdown in the quiet room off the sanctuary so I got out of there quick. I wasn't happy about having to return home without participating in worship, but I did it. Jill settled down quickly when she got home and was playing happily in her bedroom. Still unhappy about leaving worship, I picked up my Bible there in Jill's room and opened to Matthew.

I started reading in chapter one-the genealogy of Jesus. I saw the names of the women in the genealogy circled in red pen. I remembered the motion of that red pen circling those names in my Bible during one of my quiet times not so long ago. Those red circles and the names of those women had led me to study each of them in scripture. Back then, I wanted to know them, know their stories, and try to understand why they had been included among so many men in Jesus's line. So on this day as Jill played, I went back and read each of their stories again.

Hmmm..I bet these circumstances-the ones that led each of these women to be a part of Jesus's line-where not in their plans. I bet Rahab-a former prostitute-never planned to cross paths with God's people, pick up her household, and hit the road with them. I bet Bathsheeba never planned to become pregnant with the King's baby while married to another man. I bet Tamar didn't plan to walk her circumstances either. She was left without a husband and seducing her father-in-law. Likewise, Ruth probably didn't plan to be a young widow, move to a foreign land, and care for her mother-in-law. I'm sure at thirteen, Mary never planned to carry the son of God in her womb. I am sure that these circumstances led them to abandon plans of their own so that God's plans could be fulfilled through them...Yet never once did it say they resisted this change of plans-these divine appointments that led them to Jesus's line..

It challenged me to be more willing to let go of my plans. It challenged me to take hold of my circumstances where ever they lead me and find God there. God was there that Sunday morning in Jill's bedroom. I didn't need to go to worship, wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, to be spiritually fed. He was there all along even if I couldn't be in worship. I just had to seek Him. He was waiting for me right there on the pages of scriptures. Waiting to tell me that my plans are not always His. I need to learn this..Embracing that a little more these days and praying to see God more clearly when my plans change because I have the privilege of being this little one's momma.

The Last One

I got my last one today-my last paycheck! Yikes!! We are really doing this! I am really getting to be a wife and momma full time! I wish I could share with you all everything that God has done to provide for us so far, but I tell you there is just not enough space in this post or any post for that matter. Who would have thought? This really seemed impossible. Don't you think God just laughs His head off when we think impossible and He continues to show us otherwise.. Will I ever learn? Will I ever just have the faith to trust? We certainly never dreamed this would be..BUT with God all things are possible AND finally I am living my dream. I am a full time wife and momma-taking care of my clan, relying on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and direction! WAHOOO!!! I could shout from the roof tops about how amazing God is and continues to be...He is simply so good that I am bent over in awe of it. I am sure that DH gets tired of hearing me say this BUT I am just so thankful that I don't have to leave my baby in the fall! So thankful to be able to have time to make beds every morning..So thankful I can take Em to school each day, make her lunch, and even thankful to have the laundry responsibility back..So thankful to prepare meals and care for my family...So thankful. Personally, God made me for this. This is my passion. My family. Serving my family. This is truly the desire of my heart and just like that God has given it to me just because He can. So good. So good. So good.

Screaming, Storms, Dirty Diapers, and a God Moment

We're home and ready to leave again. (Can you believe we are taking another trip with Jill already? Kinda crazy I know, but hey we'll see how it goes!) Just wanted to share with you this God moment we had on Friday when traveling back..

We had driven about three hours and it went like this-Momma fires toy after toy after toy to keep Jill entertained (exhausting) as fast as she can without stopping. Sister is in on the action too as she has to hand the toys to momma and then pick up the ones that Jill casts off. Eventually (after about thirty minutes) momma is out of tricks and Jill is really ticked off about being in the car. Then she starts to cry. Scream really-for an hour. Throw in a torrential downpour, lighting, thunder, a not so calm daddy driving in the front, and a terrified big sister (she hates storms), and you have a less than pleasant afternoon.

We finally made it out of the storms. Jill had slept about thirty minutes so we decided to make a lunch stop. Now keep in mind, Jill doesn't sit-ever, eat food, like being inside new places, or have anything to do with being still BUT we have to eat. So, we pull into a fast food joint. This momma is hoping she can just shove down a burger while standing holding Jill. Just hoping that she doesn't scream the entire time I am trying to eat. Well, that didn't happen. An already stressed out momma had a fussy baby, a daddy who couldn't order without my help, and a big sis who had been in the bathroom for thirty minutes (it was really only five) leaving us waiting in the restaurant. I was stressed. It was not my best moment and while I hope that I was not behaving with the negative attitude that I was thinking with-I am sure that it showed through. I sent daddy outside with Jill so that I could order for all of us.

Then a sweet, eighty year old man and his wife entered the scene. They had been there all along eating their burgers in the booth near the line. The sweet, old man pulled me down next to him and said he really appreciated my shirt. My shirt? Oh yeah, I had the new Gull Lake shirt with the theme Bible verse on the back. Screeching halt... I have God's word on my back. This old man recognized that I was a daughter of the king because of the verse. Was I thinking as a daughter of the king? Did my attitude and behavior reflect that? Slap in the face for sure...

The verse was Zephaniah 3:17-For the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He takes great delight in you, and quiets you with His Love. I was thinking in that moment-God is with me right now! That sweet, old man and his wife continued to encourage me so much by the way they smiled at us and the precious glances they gave my Jill. They commented about how adorable she was and how much God loved me. It was as if God himself wrapped His arms around me in that moment through those two sweet, elderly believers. It was a reminder that people are watching me everywhere that I am. It was a reminder that I have a opportunity to be a positive witness for the Father in Heaven even in a fast food joint. It was a reminder that God loves me so much and cares for me so much that He put those two strangers in my path at just the right time.

Maybe the funniest thing is the ending to the story. After the encounter with the old man and his wife, I am feeling so loved and inspired that I feel like I can again handle each new challenge with grace. Isn't it just like God to pump you up like that before He sends you a challenge. I get Jill engaged in the open space behind our booth playing with a chair. I am thinking great now I can eat my burger! Then I see something running out of her diaper and down her pants. Yep a monstrous, dirty diaper. With grace, I look at daddy who is sitting, eating his lunch and ask him to please just pack up my lunch and bring it out to the car when they are done because there will be no eating for momma today! I changed that gross diaper with a positive attitude and ate my cold lunch when we were on the road again with joy. So glad God showed Himself through that couple or it could have been uglier than it was.

Hope you have an amazing day of worship and take the time to show God's love to someone the way that couple showed me.

She Said Mama

She said mama.

Oh yes she did!

Daddy and I were in the dining room on each side of her and she lifted her hand to me and said mama!!!!!!!

I shouted rather enthusiastically to daddy..Did you hear that?

To which daddy replied..I heard it, but calm down. Don't scare her.

It may be that she is just producing speech sounds (because she is doing that so much more)

But I am going to believe that she said mama!!

JOY!!

Tears!!

JOY!!

What a journey!!

GOD IS GOOD!!

Rocking Her

Jill let me rock her just now. In fact, she asked me to. She led me to the chair and raised her hands in the air to me. We have been rocking for almost thirty minutes. For about ten of those minutes she let herself relax and she let her head fall back against my chest. Oh these times are so precious. Earning the right to become momma to her leaves me speechless. I was praising God just now that I don't have to go back to work. I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss becoming her momma. I don't want to miss one moment of loving her. These moments will be gone all too soon.

This Is All There Is

I was thinking the other morning. I wake up. Get a bottle. Shower while Jill plays. Feed Jill breakfast. Make darling kiddo breakfast. Make the beds. Play with Jill. Take her to the park. Get her a bottle. Pick up the toys in the living room. Throw some laundry in. Start lunch for my husband and darling kiddo. Feed Jill lunch. Put her down for a nap. Pick up the toys again. Get her a bottle. Feed her dinner... This is it. This is really all there is. I am not going back to school. WOW. This is all there is. It wasn't a bad thought. Just a thought..

Then this morning I spent some time with my darling kiddo, just she and I, doing something that made me aware of just how grown up she is..Made me remember that I only have six more years to have that precious girl under my roof. Made me wish that I could turn back the clock and have just ten minutes of her toddler years back. I was wishing I could be holding that chubby little frame in my lap rocking or playing next to her in the sandbox. (OK you know I cried as I was thinking this. Right there in the car driving her. I am a strange momma.) I was thinking about just how quickly this time has gone and how I wasted so much of it worrying about chasing the American dream, planning for retirement, providing her vacations, driving two cars, buying her multiple pairs of shoes, and paying for all her lessons that I didn't stay home with her to enjoy it. How I wish I could have it back.

So..this is all there is. This is all there is and I am going to give thanks that I am here every minute enjoying it. I am going to give thanks that God is finally moving me to a place where I have a better understanding of what is important (though I have a long way to go). I am going to embrace all the moments that I am given because they are precious moments ordained by God for me to raise these girls up to love, follow, and serve Him.

Just Thinking..

She's sleeping now. Often as she falls asleep I sit in her room in the rocking chair and watch her. I watch her drift off into a deep, restful sleep and I think about what a miracle she is. In her room just now I heard the birds outside the window and the cars going by on our busy street. I was surrounded by all of her things and I thought about just how much I take for granted. I have always been able to experience these things..cars, birds, a trip to the library. For my baby girl, everything is new. Everything is a precious gift and miraculous. Oh, how this journey has changed my perspective. How close to God it has led me and how overjoyed I am to have experienced this..She is a true miracle and has brought me greater blessings than words could convey. I sit here now and think about her life. I think about the future and the incredible opportunity that I have been given to be her mother. So many times I am so overwhelmed at the thought that God chose me for this. Chose her for me and made me into who she would need me to be-her mother-all along. There are those moments that are so hard and yet God has met us there each and every time. Then, there are so many moments that are so good and hearing those birds singing over my baby girl just now was one of them. Oh that I could freeze these moments and just be with my Lord. Praising Him today for His many gifts and thanking Him for the life He has given me. Thanking Him for bringing this baby girl home to us. Thanking Him for the opportunity that I have to love her and be her mother. Lord you are so good.

I Did It

I did it. I officially requested a one year unpaid (YIKES) leave from my job. Jill needs me to be her mom full time. Trading in my khakis and teaching gear to play trains and little people. Really I love being a mom and taking care of my family. God made me to do this.. Also, she has lots of hurdles ahead of her and I really just want to be able to help her jump them. Terrified though. Following Christ into this unknown is not easy. So many questions. Will we survive on one income? Survive we will because God will provide all we need. Will you pray? Pray that the leave is granted and that God will provide for us as we budget for next year. Pray that we will stay strong in the Lord and in His plan.