I Lost It

I really desire above all else to glorify God through this journey. I want desperately for people to see Him through me as I care for my little one.

It got messy yesterday at therapy and I had to ask the therapist to leave. It wasn't my best moment. I was upset and the only thing I could do was ask her to leave. We are getting another therapist..

I am so passionate about my daughter. I love her so much. I am also certain that how I am parenting her and the things that I am doing to help her heal emotionally and bond to our family are the best practices..not because I made them up myself, but because I am reading things and watching DVDs from Dr. Karyn Purvis. I have also attended thirty plus hours of classroom training online and at our home study agency before bringing her home about parenting kiddos from hard places and have read at least thirty different books on the subject. Most importantly, I lean heavily on God's word and His wisdom.

My daughter spent the first two years of her life neglected, underfed, and under stimulated. Some people just don't understand this piece of my daughter's puzzle. She needs to be nurtured not encouraged to go off alone in solitude to soothe herself. She needs to be attended to when she cries and has anxiety not left to cry it out. She needs to know that I will care for her, protect her, and fight for her. Right now her emotional well being and our attachment have to be my number one priority. Call me crazy, but I don't care if she sits for ten minutes and puts plastic bears in cups. She is just a baby having only been allowed to live in this world for the last five months. So, I lost it. I really lost it. God isn't glorified when I loose it.

I bet this is not the last time it's going to happen, but I have deep regret that I couldn't have handled it differently. I have been feeling that this therapist just didn't match up with my philosophy for at least two months and I should have done something before it got this far. I shouldn't have let the coordinator talk me out of switching two months ago when I first brought it up because it required more paperwork. Forgive me Lord. Give me wisdom and strength as I continue to navigate this world of being a parent of a child who is so very special. I love my Jillian so, but I need to remember that you love her even more than I do. I need to remember that you have a plan for her life. Help me Lord. Help me remember that.