Closing a Chapter

Almost three years ago, I felt that God was beginning to write a new chapter for my life.  I love to go back and read my journal entries from that time.  We were new to our congregation, getting used to full time ministry (my husband had just taken a church job), and counting our blessings as parenting an almost ten year old was pretty darn easy...  I wrote lots of entries in my journal about how I felt that God was beginning to set up some great adventure for me.  I mentioned (aka complained) to Him daily about how I felt there was some greater purpose for my life that He needed to reveal.  I thought it might be writing or speaking because God was communicating clearer than ever with me through His word and I was loving it.  I was hearing His voice so clearly and writing my own bible studies, speaking messages straight from Him to the ministry classes that I taught, and it seemed like this would be it..this was my new purpose-writing and speaking!  My friend even bought me a website domain as I was sure this is where God was headed with me.  I was growing tired of the day to day grind of teaching and while I still found great pleasure in my students the rest of it was growing well...dull.  So I have countless entries about my heart's desire to do more for Him and to surrender my life fully to Him.  I went on mission trips in those years to Guatemala and was moved by God's presence to provide financially for me.  While He was speaking a lot to me then, I grew impatient at His insistence to keep me where I was.  I hate to wait and He didn't seem to be opening any doors!  Looking back now, I laugh at the thought that I had any clue what God was up to because He was about to close a chapter alright, but the new one that He would write has nothing to do with writing or speaking (at least not so far). 

So it is now that the newest chapter of my life begins as I officially resigned my teaching job permanently recently and am officially a stay at home, homeschooling momma teaching a beautiful, yet completely unexpected, Chinese toddler.  Who could have guessed?  Being a stay at home momma was ALWAYS a dream of mine, but one that I never thought God would ever grant.  I never believed in a hundred years that I could be staying home and I never imagined that I would home school.  (Please don't take offense, but I used to think home schoolers were jumper wearing weirdos who were a little too protective.)   So after thirteen years of teaching kiddos with autism and other unique, special characteristics, I packed up my room into over twenty boxes and hugged my colleagues saying good bye. (Now I am using all that experience to teach my beautiful daughter who just happens to have autism herself.  Don't you just love how God works? That whole time I spent in anguish waiting for Him to begin writing a new chapter, He was using every experience I had in the classroom to bring me to a place where I could be Jillian's momma. In awe!)  

My stuff isn't staying in boxes too long though.  I have taken over the spare room upstairs and decided to move our school time in there.   Our school room can be 100% devoted to our schooling supplies and set up just for that.  The office space we are currently using for school is a bit too cramped so were moving on up..stairs that is!  My baby girl continues to do really well working with momma.  We have had days that she didn't feel warm and fuzzy about working..BUT I love teaching and teaching again feels so good that I wasn't even discouraged.  I just keep plugging away, watch her learning, and plan even more for her to do!  It is the best of both worlds for sure.  SO stay tuned for pictures of the new classroom to come.

Praise Jesus Name

I have to begin by saying that tv does nothing for Jillian. She pays no attention to it. It doesn't matter if Sesame Street is on or Sports Center-she doesn't care. It is as if that big black box is a void of space in her mind. While this is not such a bad thing..it makes this story even more miraculous....

Since our princess is not a fan of the sanctuary building, I generally don't ever get to attend the worship service. BUT since DH is part of the television ministry, he generally gives me the DVD of the service and I participate in it by watching it in my spare time from the comfort of our living room.

Well, the same was true of the SYATP youth rally that was held at our church in the sanctuary on Wednesday, Sept. 28. We had a praise band, Belair, booked to lead praise. We had over 200 kids attend and a great speaker, Brandon Grant, present the gospel. Sadly, little Jill was way too frightened that night to even enter the doors of the church because the crowd was outside. So, I missed it...but it came to me via DVD. I popped it in on Friday night while Daddy and Sissy were out at a church function and the praise music and visuals of the band on our television filled our living room with praises to our King.

Just look at our sweet girl's response...

It caught her attention. She is totally watching the band. Imagine with me the lyrics..The Praise Goes Out to You..The Praise Goes Out to You..playing as she stares. At this point, momma is singing along with the band and we are having us a real praise session in our living room.

Then her little hands go up! So adorable as I was singing and raising my own hands to the Lord that her little arms went up in the air. Look at that look in her eyes. She is having her a time with Jesus for sure.

Soon being seated wasn't enough for her. So she stood and walked as close to the tv as she could. Eyes fixed on the screen and ears hearing the lyrics.."Today, today I live for one thing to give you praise..the praise goes out to you. Yah the praise goes out to you. Jesus!"
Then before I knew it there she was-in front of the tv with both of her hands up in the air and her eyes closed. She must have stayed that way for a good minute. It took my breath away. She can't yet speak, but she was feeling the love of her Heavenly Father tonight. This is one of those beautiful moments that this momma will treasure in her heart always. Forever. Another tender and close moment with my Savior brought on because I have brought this treasure in my life. Praise Him for her! Praise Him that she is mine.

I Cried Just Now

I cried just now..

I am so excited to redo these rooms for the Project Sunshine makeovers. I think about it a lot. I spend nap time scouring the Internet for products and design ideas. It is consuming me because it is so much fun.

AND...

I just got some amazing news about funding for this project. That's right God did it again. He stirred the heart of one of His own and led them to make a generous declaration of support to this cause in honor of the forgotten in foster care. I was giddy when I got the news. Just like that we have abundance!! SO HAPPY. SO BLOWN AWAY. SO SURE OF THE GOODNESS OF GOD TO PROVIDE FOR HIS CAUSES.

Then suddenly I was filled with sadness and the tears came. They came because while I am having so much fun decorating these rooms via cyber-world, these children who will visit and use these rooms are hurting. They are hungry, sad, about to leave everything that they know with a social worker only to be swept to a new place because they are living in a dangerous situation. I cried about that. I really let myself feel these kiddos pain.

Sometimes I wish Jesus hadn't shown me these children. Sometimes I wish I could just pretend that I didn't feel such overwhelming sadness about all the children in the world who are in need, but God has shown me. He has broken my heart for what breaks His and I feel it. There is so much to do and I want to do it. Sadly though, most often I turn my face after feeling their pain and walk the other way.

Feeling isn't enough. I want to do something to be the hands and feet of Jesus for these children. I want living out my faith to be a verb not just a feeling. Crying out to God to show me what to do to help. Begging Him to be persistent in me and hold me accountable to represent Him to these children and the millions more who need believers to light the way.

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

The journey with our little miss this last week has been incredibly hard. There have been times, many times, that I have felt like I did the first week we were home. I have been at the bottom and thought we were climbing up, but now it seems like the floor has been taken out from under us and we are starting over in many ways.

I'll tell you though-I love her and she is mine. I am in this for the long haul no matter what. I am trusting God with this journey as I know He has it planned out.

I also have to say that without the incredible trials and tough times of this last week-I simply would have missed the comfort of my Lord and He has been handing it out to me abundantly lately...

It was a rough night. About midnight, she had been screaming for two hours already. I was desperate. I left her on the bed and sat in the rocking chair next to her and turned on the nightlight. I got just enough light to read and so I began reading some of the Psalms aloud as she continued to struggle. Then God brought a song-The Joy of the Lord is My Strength-to my heart. It has been such a long time since I have heard it that I could only remember the chorus. The chorus was enough. I just began to sing it over Jillian as she cried. I closed my eyes and rubbed her back while I sang that chorus again and again. I haven't felt closer to the Lord than I did last night. It was such a beautiful time of worship right there in her bedroom in the wee hours of the morning. It calmed her too. She finally fell into a good sleep about one AM and slept until seven this morning.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord that He is the great comforter, that He is ever beside me, and that I know Him as Savior. Couldn't live one day without Him in it..the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Change of Plans

You know if there is one thing having a toddler again has shown me it is...my plans may not ever be my reality. The plans I have are sensible, practical, desirable (to me), but if Jill isn't down with them-they just don't happen. This is hard for me-I'll admit it. I can be selfish and when I want something to be a certain way I struggle when it doesn't happen.

This is one of my biggest hang ups with not being in church for worship. Every Sunday, I plan on going. I plan on being a part of the corporate worship experience. I plan on wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, putting Jill in a darling dress, and being spiritually "fed". We have been home for three months now and well our little miss just doesn't always like my plans for Sunday morning. She tends to be very uncomfortable in the church building, doesn't like all the people, doesn't like to not be able to move freely when ever and where ever she wants to AND so because of this my times in worship have been very limited.

I step out of the house each Sunday morning ready, but despite my best efforts I generally have to leave worship most Sunday mornings with an overstimulated, screaming baby girl. Sometimes I'm annoyed by this. Sometimes, I just want to be in worship. After all that is my plan. It seems like a good plan. Seems like God would want me in worship. My plans should be honored.

Here is where the selfish comes in. It happened two weeks ago. Jill was on the verge of a meltdown in the quiet room off the sanctuary so I got out of there quick. I wasn't happy about having to return home without participating in worship, but I did it. Jill settled down quickly when she got home and was playing happily in her bedroom. Still unhappy about leaving worship, I picked up my Bible there in Jill's room and opened to Matthew.

I started reading in chapter one-the genealogy of Jesus. I saw the names of the women in the genealogy circled in red pen. I remembered the motion of that red pen circling those names in my Bible during one of my quiet times not so long ago. Those red circles and the names of those women had led me to study each of them in scripture. Back then, I wanted to know them, know their stories, and try to understand why they had been included among so many men in Jesus's line. So on this day as Jill played, I went back and read each of their stories again.

Hmmm..I bet these circumstances-the ones that led each of these women to be a part of Jesus's line-where not in their plans. I bet Rahab-a former prostitute-never planned to cross paths with God's people, pick up her household, and hit the road with them. I bet Bathsheeba never planned to become pregnant with the King's baby while married to another man. I bet Tamar didn't plan to walk her circumstances either. She was left without a husband and seducing her father-in-law. Likewise, Ruth probably didn't plan to be a young widow, move to a foreign land, and care for her mother-in-law. I'm sure at thirteen, Mary never planned to carry the son of God in her womb. I am sure that these circumstances led them to abandon plans of their own so that God's plans could be fulfilled through them...Yet never once did it say they resisted this change of plans-these divine appointments that led them to Jesus's line..

It challenged me to be more willing to let go of my plans. It challenged me to take hold of my circumstances where ever they lead me and find God there. God was there that Sunday morning in Jill's bedroom. I didn't need to go to worship, wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, to be spiritually fed. He was there all along even if I couldn't be in worship. I just had to seek Him. He was waiting for me right there on the pages of scriptures. Waiting to tell me that my plans are not always His. I need to learn this..Embracing that a little more these days and praying to see God more clearly when my plans change because I have the privilege of being this little one's momma.

The Last One

I got my last one today-my last paycheck! Yikes!! We are really doing this! I am really getting to be a wife and momma full time! I wish I could share with you all everything that God has done to provide for us so far, but I tell you there is just not enough space in this post or any post for that matter. Who would have thought? This really seemed impossible. Don't you think God just laughs His head off when we think impossible and He continues to show us otherwise.. Will I ever learn? Will I ever just have the faith to trust? We certainly never dreamed this would be..BUT with God all things are possible AND finally I am living my dream. I am a full time wife and momma-taking care of my clan, relying on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and direction! WAHOOO!!! I could shout from the roof tops about how amazing God is and continues to be...He is simply so good that I am bent over in awe of it. I am sure that DH gets tired of hearing me say this BUT I am just so thankful that I don't have to leave my baby in the fall! So thankful to be able to have time to make beds every morning..So thankful I can take Em to school each day, make her lunch, and even thankful to have the laundry responsibility back..So thankful to prepare meals and care for my family...So thankful. Personally, God made me for this. This is my passion. My family. Serving my family. This is truly the desire of my heart and just like that God has given it to me just because He can. So good. So good. So good.

EEEK!!! Another Distraction!

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 26:12

A Mouse that is of whom I shall be afraid!! I spent most of my time at church Tuesday night leading the women's Bible study from on top of a chair. We recently tore down a building in our neighborhood that most likely housed many of these critters and now one has taken up residence in our church building. Well, our little friend decided to make an appearance on Tuesday night while 15 of us ladies were trying to catch a glimpse of David through the study of 1 Chronicles. Keeping our eyes on the word and our minds on David sure was hard with our new little friend darting in and out! Which led me to think about just how many distractions there are in this world. They come at you from all sides and often when you least expect it. We had to fight with all we were to stay focused on the Word for our hour and a half study. We were in church with the intention to study and still there was this distraction.

This is really a picture of my life lately. There have definitely been seasons in my spiritual journey when nothing could keep me from my quiet time and study. I was thirsty for God and desired Him above all else, but there are also seasons when I have to make myself study because I know it's good for me. Now is the one of those have to force myself seasons. I am struggling to keep my study of God's word a priority and each day has been a battle. Despite my less than enthusiastic approach to His Word, God still reveals Himself to me daily through it and I continue to preserve through my studying because I know it is invaluable to my faith. I also understand that it is the primary means through which God speaks to me. The world is full of so much to pull me away from Him and what He wants to tell me. Sometimes I just have to shut the door, turn off the phone, and open up my heart and my trusty blue Bible. I have been fighting with all that's in me to make that choice lately. Praying that you are in a season of your spiritual life when you can't get enough of God and through perseverance, I will join you there again soon! What a treasure we have in our God who loves us despite our own struggles.

(At least, this critter had the opportunity to hear the gospel. LOL!)

Stillness

Darling Kiddo and DH are at a volleyball game in Rockford tonight and our house is very still. This just doesn't happen. The quiet is overpowering and while I enjoy being alone in the quiet on rare occasions-it is not a place I choose to hang out. This summer on our youth mission trip one of the devo days was titled:More Be. Less Do. This is a tough concept for me as I am very much a doer. My grandma always says I am going to run myself to death. To which I often respond-Well then, I can rest when I'm dead. While most of what I do is good-there is something really useful about that devo lesson. When I am free to simply be-He is more easily found. God is just found in stillness and the quiet..It's all over scripture. I think of the story of Elijah who found God in the gentle whisper and the Psalm that reminds us BE STILL and know that I am God. I know that there are a good lot of times that I am simply too busy doing that I miss God altogether. So instead of loathing the stillness and wishing it away, I am choosing to open my Bible and dig deep. I am going to choose to be still and listen for God.. I know that when I have a toddler in foot-these times of stillness are going to be even rarer than they are now...Can't wait! Until then, I wil embrace the stillness..:)

All I Ever Wanted

All I ever wanted was to be married to my high school sweetheart (my dh), teach at a small school with him, have one daughter, and live in a country neighborhood in Pekin. All I ever wanted was to live this life out peacefully and own my share of the American Dream. At 30, I was certainly on my way to having all I ever wanted.

That's all I ever wanted, but then I joined up with God and found out that what He wanted (and wants) for my life is so much more than I imagined it could ever be. I have been doing a great study about discerning the voice of God. Last night at Bible Study, we were asked to think about the fact that God's voice reveals His plan. We talked about how God's plan can certainly change the course of your life. About how a new destination that you never had in mind comes into your heart..

All I ever wanted has become so much more..I am the wife of a godly man lucky enough to serve in full time ministry. I have a much bigger house than I ever could have dreamed I would (because we live in a parsonage). I have many more children to love than I ever thought possible (because we are in teen ministry and I dearly love each one of the sheep God has brought us). I have a unity and love in my marriage I never could have fathomed (because my man strives to love me as Christ loved the church). I am adopting from China (because of the generous help of believers who gave unselfishly of themselves to see James 1:27 fulfilled). I have traveled to foreign lands to share the good news of Christ with those who don't know (because He has the cattle on a thousand hills and provides abundantly so that I can serve Him). I am led to tears each and every time I think of all that I never wanted because I never knew to dream that God could do it. I didn't even know to hope for these things because I didn't know Him. If I just hadn't wasted so long holding on to All I Ever Wanted... what might God have done??

Following God has been the greatest adventure of my life!! I continue to be overwhelmed, amazed, and speechless at His working. He works out His plans for me, not because I deserve it, but because He loves me and desires for me to walk intimately beside Him so that I might bring glory to His name through my life.
How I praise Him for the way that He continues to speak to me and change my ideas about All I Ever Wanted... I am grateful that His plans for my life have been so much more than All I Ever Wanted..and I anxiously anticipate the days to come.

Down Right Convicted

Last week at Gull Lake, we heard a message by Daniel Wallace (aka Ambush). The message was about how to share the gospel. I have to admit to you that because I was birthed in a bible believing church..I think I know how to share the gospel. I have all the verses Daniel presented memorized Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Romans 5:8, and Ephesians 2:8-9. Got em down! Know em! As a result, I was less than enthusiastic about the subject matter.

Then God hit me like a ton of bricks..When was the last time you shared this gospel with someone outside of church, Sunday school, or ministry? Ouch!! I honestly can't remember the last time I did shared the gospel...Sure I live alongside plenty of people who don't know Jesus, try to be pleasant, help them when it is convenient for me, but never share the gospel with them!

Next he went into the reasons why we don't share..selfishness(worried about what they might think of ME), we don't really think the gospel is good news, or we just don't know how. Well, I know how to do it. Like I said, I have been versed in scripture, theology, and understanding and I know it is good news. I can clearly see that God has personally rescued me from a life of ugliness and given me His peace making me a new creation in Him. (Praise God for that!)

I realized for me it was all about selfishness. I don't want to be rejected. I don't really want to give my time to hang out with unsaved people when it is a sacrifice for me. I don't really want to show these unchurched, who are very different from me, that I love them..Most of the time I am much more interested in counting the ways that they are different from me than I am in pointing them to the reason I have left that different life behind. I am too "busy" to reach out to them, but not too busy to enjoy a nap or good book for an hour in the afternoon. Ouch!! The Plain Truth is hurting me deep..

Ambush said..You aren't just here to suck air and eat groceries! God has been clearly bringing to my mind this week times that He has called me to share and I have been down right disobedient. Clearly, I have been doing too much sucking air and eating groceries.

A boy who lives in our neighborhood was passing by on the sidewalk last week. I smile and am pleasant when he goes by, but keep him at a distant. I clearly heard God telling me invite him..You're getting a sandwich-invite him in-offer him one too. And I didn't. My disobedient and sinful heart must just grieve the heart of God. As a result it is definitely causing me some grief these days. More than anything, I want to be an example for Jesus while I am here. I want to surrender every area of my time, life, energy, resources, family to Him and His work. Nothing else matters. I am thankful for this conviction coming from the Holy Spirit even though it hurts to confront it. I pray that God continues to send conviction down and that my humble response to His prompting is authentic change in my life and obedience.