Hard

We are here-Gull Lake Ministries.  Truly a slice of heaven right here on earth and the greatest family vacation in the world.  I can see the water from my front window as I type this post.  My baby is asleep upstairs and I am taking time to reflect.

Where to begin.  My baby girl is in a heavy state of despair.  I was hoping that she was secure enough to avoid feeling this way, but being away from home and the security of the world that she knows has rocked her little heart.  Really, this just reminds me how very fragile she is and to never take for granted how far God continues to bring her.  She is sobbing so easily.  She is unable to play at the park next to our house, eat in the dining hall, or enjoy much.  She is grieving.  Grieving the loss of life at home and confused about what all this "vacation" stuff means in the here and now.  It is so unpredictable, so new, and so terrifying to her. 

I cried as she did this morning because I hate to see her hurting so much and not be able to do anything about it.  I have showed her pictures of home, tried to preview the week before coming, brought all of her comforts with us for her to have here, and prayed for her.  It is hard to know how much she understands, but it seems it isn't helping her any.  Poor baby came down from her nap to find her toys in our cottage and laid in my arms and sobbed.  She saw me put her pjs in the drawer in our room upstairs and she sobbed.  She hugged me this morning-deep heavy hugs-with both of her arms wrapped around me and then sobbed.  She is hurting so much. 

It is so hard. 

So hard.

BUT Jesus knows and He is here walking right with this momma every step of the way.  He met me in worship this morning, as she lay in my lap, in a way I haven't ever experienced before.  My sweet girl went into worship, sat on my lap, then snuggled into me for nearly an hour.  In the fourteen months that I have been privileged enough to be her momma, she has never let me hold her like that...NEVER once.  She had her arms wrapped around me and wanted mine wrapped around her while she rested her head against my chest.  She was completely relaxed and melted into me.  I wept over her throughout most of worship and even a good portion of the message. 

She is a delightful, wonderful miracle.  A precious, treasure from the Lord and I know that He is all powerful and can restore all the parts of her that have been broken by the past.  I wait and pray as God continues to work in her and as I do He continues to refine me. I don't have the strength, the knowledge, the patience, the know how to be a momma to such a very special young one, but He is patient with me and makes himself available to me on the journey.  For this, I am eternally grateful.  I don't want to live an easy life..I want to live a life pleasing to Jesus.  As I continue to be refined and die to myself, I see again and again that laying my life down for this baby is all part of God's plan for me.  I will embrace His plan and keep loving this little treasure trusting that He will be all I need.