It's Been A Long Time..

It's been a long time (almost nine months now) since our little treasure has had a bad meltdown.  This kind of crying, thrashing, and head banging episode that lasts for well over two hours leaves quite a scar on this momma and so I remember the last one (last February) very well.  This morning it happened.  She awoke at 5:30 AM crying.  My sweet baby NEVER wakes in the night.  Something jarred her.  Was it a memory?  A night terror?  Was it autism?  Sensory Processing Disorder?  Who knows?  I will never know, but I do know..this meltdown was ugly.  I calmed her pretty quickly with my usual rocking and signing within the first half hour, and tried to get up..it was then that the flood gates broke.  She spiraled into a place of despair pretty quickly though I ran back to her as soon as she started crying for me again.  Oh.. my heart!  I will never get over the helplessness that I feel when I am in the thick of one of these moments and there is nothing that I can do for her.  Of course, this morning I had a commitment at church.  Daddy had to step in.  He baked (OH YES HE DID) the casseroles and all the breakfast items (with some help from two amazing ladies who stepped up after his cry for help) for the breakfast at the manger that I had helped plan.  After two and half long hours, Jillian finally rested her little body and was at peace again.  She was snuggled next to me in the bed after it was all said and done.  She looked into my eyes and signed "I love you".  I lost it.  I sobbed loud, ugly sobs over her.  Then I took her in my arms and thanked God that she is here and that we can be a part of her healing.  We have spent the rest of the day in our pajamas, playing a lot in the feather sensory bin (as she discovered she can put feathers in my glasses and thinks that it is HILARIOUS), and taking it very slow.  I have kept her very close to me all day and I am so grateful that I am able to do that.  Parenting this treasure is the hardest, messiest, most amazing, wonderful, and beautiful thing that I have ever done.  I was reminded today that God has asked me to pour out my life for my children and that my number one ministry is in my home right now, but sometimes it feels like I am doing so little for the kingdom signing "The Wheels on the Bus" a hundred times a day or folding her little hands to pray when she sits down to eat.  I am remembering tonight that God has called me to this place, given me this little hurting treasure, and asked me to bring home more so that I might be an example of Christ's love to them. This is not a calling to take lightly or within my own strength.  I need Christ everyday and He always shows up..forever walking beside me.  I am so thankful that He has given me the chance to be home so that I can focus my attention on my family when they need me.  This morning was HARD, but God is good and it did give me a day in my pajamas.