Anna Mei

If you would have told me that I was going to be homeschooling one of my children ten years ago, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I simply never dreamed.  I never dreamed that I could do it.  I never imagined it would be so essential to the emotional health of my babe.  I never thought I would see so much emotional healing, furthered attachment, and increased confidence because honestly, at times, the situation with this sweet girl has seemed hopeless.  Her emotions are strong.  Her trauma is big, and pulling her out of the world a bit to be with me 24/7 has made a tremendous difference for her.  I am so extremely grateful that God called us down this path, and that I didn't let my own selfishness and fear keep me from following this road.  We have had an absolutely amazing year so far.  We have so many beautiful shared moments in the day, and she is learning.  She believes in her ability to work hard, and learn instead of feeling inferior and overwhelmed.  Best of all, I have never loved her more.  I have struggled through these last four years doing the best I could for her, and I have messed up a lot.  These ashes that we have been sifting through for four years now are finally feeling beautiful.  They have been beautiful all along, but finally I feel like they are beautiful too.

She picked up this book from the library this week, and read it all by herself.  This is the first time she has been able to do that, and I got to be next to her when she did.  Oh, her eyes lit up, and JOY overtook her face!

She said the most darling thing today.  Several years ago, she noticed the blank look on her face and the empty eyes when looking at her pictures from the orphanage.  I never pointed it out to her, but one day she said..that is my "Asian face".  When I asked her to explain what she meant at four when she said those words for the first time, she said her face was sad and empty in Ch*na before I came for her.  It cut to my heart to hear her notice that.  Today, we went to get our pictures taken for our Ch*nese Visa, and she was told not to smile in her picture.  She said she would make her Asian face, but then started giggling infectiously.  While laughing, she said, "I just can't make that face anymore now that I am American."  I could have burst into tears right there.  Dear girl has a momma now.  She is American, and she belongs here.  There are no more empty eyes, no more hungry belly, or lying in a crib for hours on end, and her smile is hard to get rid of.   As hard fought as this battle for her heart has been, she is more than worth it.  I can't wait to take her with me to get Ellie Grace as I think a trip back to her roots will be so healing for her.  That God would entrust me with such a precious gift is beyond me, but today I am so thankful!