At the End of Myself

For two nights now, my peanut hasn't slept.  She had been up every hour, or maybe two if I am lucky, soaked with sweat, screaming, and tormented.  She kicks me away, screams, and rages like the first weeks home.  I had an early morning trip on Saturday, and while I tried to prepare her for my not being there when she woke up, I am guessing my absence is what triggered this sleep issue.  She is telling me that she is afraid I am going to be gone when she wakes, and I am grateful for this glimpse into her heart, but I am tired and selfish.  I want desperately to love her well.  I want to be Jesus to her, but my flesh is getting in the way big time today.  I am praying that God would give me His love for her and that I would look past her tantrums, controlling, and disobedience so that I might fully embrace her heart which I hope is being led to healing through Him.  These two days have been hard because all that I long to do and be for my sweet girl is dashed by my own need for me.  I want to sleep.  I want to be obeyed.  I want the tantrums to stop...I want.. Truthfully speaking, it is times like this that I think the Lord must be crazy to entrust another beautiful treasure to me, because my own inadequacy is blatantly apparent as I walk through this.  Then, as I was thinking through all of this on the way home from dropping my darling kindergartner off at school, my sleep deprived little one who has been so tormented by these emotions begins to sing at the top of her voice.  I LOVE YOUR WORD!  GOD!  WE LOVE YOUR WORD!!!  And it rocks me to the core because this job, this baby's healing, this life, is so much bigger than sleepless nights or nightmares.  Oh that my voice would be willing to cry out...I LOVE YOUR WORD GOD!..when the hard days come.  Another beautiful lesson delivered to me through a helpless, hurting, little soul who I am meant to teach.  My babies have, and continue to, teach me so much more than I could teach them.

I am grateful today though for sleep as my dear girl actually slept last night since I am just updating this post today.  Please cover her in prayer as this momma being gone for 14 days to pick up her little sister is sure to rock her heart.  Praying and Trusting!

Hard

This week with Miss Anna has been hard and I am reminded that attachment and bonding is a marathon not a sprint.  It isn't something magical that happens at one month home or even at six months home.  It is a long and painful process for all involved most of the time.  It is something that requires much work, more prayer, and a lot of patience, but the payoffs in the end are so worth every painstaking investment made in a healthy parent/child relationship.  This week our Anna has been so defiant and so demanding of my time.  Honestly, it was like it was our first week home again and so I had to get the ergo carrier back out.  She nestled right in it and sat in there for the last two hours.  I spoon fed her lunch and took her way back to where I had her those first few weeks in China, but our lunch was so much better than our day has been.  Where did this come from?  The only thing I can think is that Jillian had a meltdown on Sunday which required my solo attention be on her and Daddy wasn't home so Emily stepped in to help with Anna.  Needless to say, the jealousy and exclusive rights to momma have been brutal this week following Sunday night's episode with Mei, Mei even though she really doesn't want much to do with me when she can have my attention.  It only seems to be when her sister needs me that she is so upset and that isn't even mentioning the tantrums, fits, and shouting NO at nearly every request that is made of her this week.  Frustrating week is an understatement, but I got a kiss just now.  It is the first unsolicited kiss given this week by her and I am thankful to be making a step in the right direction after a few hard days.  This journey to attachment and unconditional love is not for the faint of heart.  I could never go it alone and am grateful for the ever present love and strength of my God who walked me down this road and who never, never leaves me.  Here is to the end of a hard week and hope for a better one about to begin!