That Stubby Round Toe

Many, many days, it is hard and complex to process all that my heart is feeling because I have my Ch*nese treasures in my life.  Truly, I experience, see, and witness miracles in the making every moment that I am with them.  Tonight, I sat rocking them both-Jillian on the right and Anna Mei on the left-in the little white rocking chair beside Jillian's bed in her room. A room with a sweet pink quilt on the white metal bed that is full of toys, clothes, and the beautiful hand painted tea party table that belonged to my oldest daughter. Jillian had bumped her head and was crying.  Anna Mei knew Jillian's need for momma time and sat quietly (this is a rarity) on my lap next to Jillian giving her the quiet to process and recover.  I sang, as Jillian requested, as I rocked them both.  It was then that I began to look at Anna Mei's bare toes.  I examined her littlest piggy toe.  I really looked for the first time at how stubby and round it is as it protrudes out from her foot a bit.  And then I wondered..did she have her birth momma's toe?  Somewhere in China was there a woman who gave birth to my baby with a little toe just like this one?  Does her heart break thinking about the absence of this child?  Then, I started to cry at the injustice in that thought.  Suddenly, as I rocked in this sorrow, Anna Mei looked into my eyes and said "I Low You Momma".  Oh my heart this baby girl is so a part of me, but at the same time, she is not at all a part of me.  It breaks me that there is a momma out there that has been denied the right to have this baby as hers.  Yet, it is a deep honor and privilege to be able to care for her as mine.  This adoption stuff is hard.  Heart breaking.  Beautiful.  And so much more than I could have ever imagined.  Yet truly each and every day the Lord has opened my eyes to so much more than I could have ever seen before because I have these babies.  "I Low You Momma" are words my daughter's birth mothers will probably never hear them say as the chances of us finding them are nearly impossible.  Still, I pray for them often.  I pray that God will give them peace and that He will reveal Himself to them so that they too may find  His love that is so available to all of us who believe.  I hold out hope that someday we might just get to worship Him together in glory and that we will finally be united together with our maker who intertwined our lives so intimately though we have never met.