Seven Years Ago..Grieving For Her

Tomorrow my dear girl turns seven, and without fail I am up when everyone else is asleep mourning for the mother she will never know.  My girl's birthdays always bring with them thoughts of their belly mommas.  Was she laboring this night seven years ago?  Did she first look into the eyes of my baby girl at this very hour or was it much later?  When was it that she knew in her heart that she would have to say goodbye?  Does she think about her everyday, but especially does her heart break on this day for the girl she will likely never know?  This girl who is the one of the most special gifts given to me by a God who ordained this story for her.  On this night, I wrestle through so much..so many questions unanswered that I will likely never get to ask.  Pieces of my dear daughter's story that will always be missing, and it grieves me.  I cry at the brokenness of it all, and cling to the promise that God uses all things for the good of those who love him.  My baby girl loves Him so, and for that I am grateful because I know that He will use her story..and those many parts of it that will never be revealed to us on this Earth..for His good somehow.  Grateful for the moments that I stand beside her treasuring each and every one in my heart, and so thankful for the woman who held her before I did.  The dear momma whose face likely matches that of my treasured daughter.  I pray that somehow she has God's peace on this night, and that, by some miracle, we will meet one day so that I can thank her for sharing her girl with me.

Thinking of Her Birth Mother

It's late.  I am just putting the finishing touches on a paint splatter t-shirt with a number six stuck on and an art palette cake because tomorrow is my almost six year old treasure's birthday.  Tonight in the quiet of my house while everyone sleeps, my heart is filled with thoughts of her.  The mother who knew and held my baby girl first is facing this day without her.  I simply can't imagine what it is like to live through this day..my darling Anna Mei's birthday..every year.  What must her thoughts be on this day?  Does her heart break longing to know the one she surrendered?  Does she know anything about what happened to her baby girl after she left that corner?  Can she even let herself imagine how blessed we are because of her sacrifice?  I can't pretend that I have any understanding of what transpires in her heart, but I love her.  I love her and am so connected to her.  I am grateful on this day for the immeasurable gift God planted in her womb.  Oh, how I would give anything for just a moment with her.  A moment to stand in the sacred space that is between us, and just be.  Two different mothers who share the same daughter.

About Her Birth Momma on This Day

While my girl's birthdays are one of the happiest days of the year, I can't help, but also always feel such a tinge of sadness on this day as well.  As I held Anna Mei just now, I could not hold back my tears for the precious woman who likely tries to go on with life as usual on this day though a piece of her rests on my lap here in another part of the world.  I cradled Anna against my chest like a new born while she drank her hot milk from her sippy cup in my arms and I just wept for her birth mother.  I wept at how unjust is it that I am the one cradling this sweet, precious girl on her fourth birthday.  I wept because everyday I look deeply into the eyes of a child that matches another woman that I will likely never get to meet.  I cried because it is unfair that she was not able to keep this amazing little girl, that she will never hear her laugh, comfort her as she cries, or watch her as she dances.  While my girls are some of the greatest blessings of my life, it is impossible to escape the fact that they are mine because of the deep, deep loss of another.  How I would give anything just to get a glimpse of Anna's China momma.  My sweet girl, even at four years old, has so many questions about her.  This morning as she asked, "Why it my birthday?", I was happy to tell her that this is the day she was born from her China momma's belly.  Just like she does so often, she asked, "What is my China momma's name?".  With everything in me, I wish I could tell her that I knew.  I wish I could give her just a few pieces of the puzzle that is the first two years of her life.  I wish. I wish. I wish, but the reality is that we are living in a broken world.  A world were poverty, sadness, loss, illness, and pain exist and I just can't answer her questions because of it.  On this day, and on many other days, I think of my girl's birth mothers.  I have a deep, deep love for them.  I pray so often that they will somehow come to know the Lord and that one day in eternity we will all sit together worshiping the God who, by His great design, intertwined all our stories so intimately.

That Stubby Round Toe

Many, many days, it is hard and complex to process all that my heart is feeling because I have my Ch*nese treasures in my life.  Truly, I experience, see, and witness miracles in the making every moment that I am with them.  Tonight, I sat rocking them both-Jillian on the right and Anna Mei on the left-in the little white rocking chair beside Jillian's bed in her room. A room with a sweet pink quilt on the white metal bed that is full of toys, clothes, and the beautiful hand painted tea party table that belonged to my oldest daughter. Jillian had bumped her head and was crying.  Anna Mei knew Jillian's need for momma time and sat quietly (this is a rarity) on my lap next to Jillian giving her the quiet to process and recover.  I sang, as Jillian requested, as I rocked them both.  It was then that I began to look at Anna Mei's bare toes.  I examined her littlest piggy toe.  I really looked for the first time at how stubby and round it is as it protrudes out from her foot a bit.  And then I wondered..did she have her birth momma's toe?  Somewhere in China was there a woman who gave birth to my baby with a little toe just like this one?  Does her heart break thinking about the absence of this child?  Then, I started to cry at the injustice in that thought.  Suddenly, as I rocked in this sorrow, Anna Mei looked into my eyes and said "I Low You Momma".  Oh my heart this baby girl is so a part of me, but at the same time, she is not at all a part of me.  It breaks me that there is a momma out there that has been denied the right to have this baby as hers.  Yet, it is a deep honor and privilege to be able to care for her as mine.  This adoption stuff is hard.  Heart breaking.  Beautiful.  And so much more than I could have ever imagined.  Yet truly each and every day the Lord has opened my eyes to so much more than I could have ever seen before because I have these babies.  "I Low You Momma" are words my daughter's birth mothers will probably never hear them say as the chances of us finding them are nearly impossible.  Still, I pray for them often.  I pray that God will give them peace and that He will reveal Himself to them so that they too may find  His love that is so available to all of us who believe.  I hold out hope that someday we might just get to worship Him together in glory and that we will finally be united together with our maker who intertwined our lives so intimately though we have never met. 

Thinking of Them Today..Their Birthmothers

I held my girls just now.  There I sat with one on each side of me in the rocking chair.  I sang to them while Jillian squished up against me and Anna snuggled into my chest to fall asleep.  And I thought of them.  I thought of the two women who carried them for nine months, held them first, and surrendered so much by giving these babies up so that each of them might have a chance at a better life.  I thought of all that my girls' birth mothers have lost because these precious treasures are mine.  I shed a tear at just how unjust it is that they weren't able to keep these beautiful, amazing girls.  I thought of how there must be a huge gaping hole that they never can escape because of the absence of these little ones in their lives.  Then I thanked God that He invited me to join Him in caring for them.  I thanked Him for the blessing that each is to me and I prayed that these women who carried my babies and were their first mothers would somehow come to know Him and rest in His plan for these precious treasure's lives.  I was dreaming that one day in glory we would all be together worshiping and praising God for the way that He has knit all our lives together.  This adoption journey is full of brokenness and beauty intertwined in a gloriously heart breaking way.  I am forever grateful to have walked in it and so thankful to be able to experience the restoration that only the Lord can provide after such brokenness.

Two Years Ago Today...

Today is the day two years ago-March 16- that Jill was found. She was found in a busy town square alone-her cleft deformity very visible-and taken to a hospital. Tonight is the first night of many that she would go to sleep without her mother.




Her mother. I pray for her all the time. I pray that God continues to give her comfort and peace as I can't imagine the pain that she has felt since choosing to let Jill go. Choosing to let her go so that she could have access to life saving surgery, food, and opportunities. Opportunities that for whatever reason she was not able to give her. What a beautiful selfless act it was to surrender her precious child so that she might have a chance at life. Praying for her birth mother today. Praying that someday we might find each other and I might be able to look her in the eye and thank her for the precious gift of her girl. Thank her for allowing me to give her sweet daughter the chance to live that she wasn't able to. Praying that her heart is not hurting beyond what she can bare and that the sweet memories of the first five days that she and Jill were able to spend together are cherished in her heart as fond moments given by God. I love this woman with a love I can't really explain. She is such a vital part of this journey. She chose life for Jill and for that we are forever grateful.