No Words..

I have no words to express how grateful to God I am for relocating us fifteen minutes from a beautiful, crystal clear lake with a rocking beach.  Our five year old treasure, who has numerous challenges and overwhelming anxiety which causes most activities to be challenging to say the least, is completely content-even overflowing with joy-when water is present.  When we told her we were going to the beach this morning, I am not sure she remembered the beach concept as she wasn't super enthusiastic, but when we rounded that corner on the road to the beach and she spotted the water out of our van window she just clapped her hands and squealed.  She raced to the shore as soon as we let her out of the car with the biggest smile on her face.  To watch this dear, dear girl enjoying life so very much today at this place is to know true joy in your heart!  This treasure once so close to death is alive and thriving!  God is so good to allow us a small part of who she is becoming!

 I even got her to wear arm floaties.  Until last week, the sweet girl wouldn't go near them.  She would not even play in a pool when someone was wearing them.  I knew if I could get them on her she would love the independence and ability to float so last week I did it.  I got them on her and she LOVES them.

 She is so cute signing LOVE BEACH this afternoon.  My this treasure is so adorable!

She loves to "swim" with those floaties.  She is full of smiles while we play.  When we had to go she just kept signing SAD.  We will be spending many, many summer days here.  It is a 15 minute drive and it is FREE!  Seriously, could it be any better?

 Anna Mei was thrilled to be going and sang WE ARE GO TO BEACH..again and again while driving out there.

 Em played with her sisters and followed them into the water again and again!

We had one perfect day!  I said we should get a camper and a boat or maybe we should just keep driving the fifteen minutes to this little piece of paradise so close to home.  Praising God in deed for His goodness and provision for our family in placing us here as so many things about this city are just perfect for our family!

The Farm Park

 We checked out the small, farm park in our city this weekend.   We had never been there before and Jillian loved it.  She noticed all the animals and was very interested in them.  She also used her "voice" (NOVA chat device) to name all the animals she saw.  It just almost made this momma cry to hear her using her magical device to voice the name of the animals because so much is in her head even though she can't speak.  She has so much knowledge and language in there and this magical device is her ticket to get it out.   She must have hit the pig button ten times while standing by the pig pen.  She was proud as pudding with herself as she has never been able to say pig before.  Truly, this kid is a walking miracle and just enjoyed everything about being in the farm today!  I never imagined she would come so far when she was first placed in my arms.  To see God work in her has been truly amazing!

 Anna Mei went down to Em's room early this morning to wake her because "whole famlee go to farm park".  She often says "whole famlee" when we are all together and she loves her big sister so much!

 Jillian was so intrigued by all she saw and labeled it all with her NOVA chat. She is getting eye level with the ducks.

 Em and Anna Mei taking in the donkey.  He was a white, old specimen, but he pleased Anna very much when he made a HEE HAW sound.

 She loved posing on this tractor.

This is her cheesy posing smile.  So funny!  She wiped out on the way out of the farm and skinned her knee.  We may have a band aid filled summer.

Summer Has Finally Come

Summer is finally here!  This is where  you can find us every single afternoon..in the water and mud!  This little lady is in her beloved element out in the backyard.  It is precious to see her so full of joy because of the simplest pleasures.  She has taught me much!

 I picked up these shooters at the dollar store and momma was a favorite target.  She laughed her head off when I was pelted with water from her launcher, but ran as fast as she could when I tried to shoot her.

 This little lady chose a shooter too and also loved hitting momma.  There were many, many giggles in the backyard today!

 She takes this launching thing so seriously and her aim is flawless.

It started to sprinkle a bit which added to the "soaked to the bone"  look in my littlest's eyes.  This baby is so precious indeed.  I am looking forward to a fabulous (and wet) summer with my girls. 

Incomprehensible..

I just can't comprehend that this is how I get to spend my mornings..

 Teaching a sweet, Chinese treasure to ride a bike for the first time, listening to her laugh, and calling momma.  Along the way, she saw a rolly polly bug which made her stop in awe and led to an examination of all his legs and a declaration that "God Made" rolly pollies.

 She is one crazy driver who crashed into the van and immediately began naming the numbers she saw on our license plate all while laughing her heart out.

Oh that three years old could last forever.

Somewhere Along the Way She Decides to Love You Back

You endure months of tantrums, rages, night terrors, and anger.  You cuddle a stiff frame, rock a rejecting form, and kiss a turned cheek.  You pray and pray for a heart to be opened.  Then somewhere along the way, she loves you back.  She asks you to swaddle her, rock her before bed, and kiss her boo boos.  She wants you to feed her, begs to stay close to you, and comes running to your arms when you pick her up from church.  One day in the mist of living out this life, she falls in love with you and, though you have felt she was yours all along, she becomes yours in her heart.  I hope I never get over the miracle that it is to hear the words "I love you Momma" each night from my sweet babe.  I hope I never grow tired of rocking her swaddled in a blanket after she has had one of her nightmares.  I hope I never forget just how hard I have fought for her heart and how very good it is to finally have earned a place there.  She is worth it.  How good it is to have this babe's love..to be the one she calls momma. 

Tonight..

Tonight I had my littles alone as Dad and Em had a school function.  It is on nights like tonight that I let my mind think about just how different our lives look these days.  Having littles, these beautiful Chinese daughters, was never my plan, but tonight as I had both sitting on my lap wrestling and laughing until we couldn't keep from crying I thanked God that His plan is so much sweeter than all I thought I ever wanted.  It was a busy day full of diapers, potty training, show downs, playing in the toy kitchen, baths, splashing (water on the ceiling), and much, much more.  It was an oatmeal kind of day as it was just ordinary, but when you are in God's will as I am in taking care of these precious, cherished treasures even oatmeal tastes gourmet.  To God be the glory for each and every moment that makes me smile and count just how blessed I am to follow Him.

This is the day that Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Because They Grow Up Way Too Fast..

We played in the mud all afternoon until it was too dark to see.
We even ate dinner outside on the patio.
We walked barefoot through the grass, picked dandelions, and added a whole bottle of dish soap to the baby pool.  That soapy water made the slide lightning fast when we poured it on there which caused us to squeal with great delight.
Oh that these moments of JOY could last forever.  I just long to sit and cherish each and every little one as long as I can...

I Love You

She is a little girl of few words and, though none are spoken from her natural voice, they are so powerful.  My sweet five year old has just been rocking in my lap for the last thirty minutes, but it was those thirty seconds that she signed "I Love You" that mean the most.  This little lady is nonverbal and has many, many challenges.  Many told me in the beginning that she may never attach to me and that she was so cognitively delayed that she wouldn't accomplish much.  This one that I have the privilege of holding is so much more than the labels that may try to define her.  She is caring, bright, funny, and stunningly beautiful.  Today, I am so thankful for the quiet to sit and hold her in the rocking chair because this, being this special little girl's momma, is what I was made for.  How I love her..Oh how I love her.

Her Great Accomplishment

Yesterday I had the privilege of attending OT with my amazing, five year old daughter.  I sat across from her on the padded floor with a bowl of warm, bubble filled water separating us.  She used to be terrified in this place.  The black round swing, the noise, the unknowns were just way too much for her to handle.  She sobbed frequently afraid of what she might encounter as we entered.  Today, she sat there-in this same space that once caused her high anxiety-doing all that she was asked with the promise of a chance to splash in that bowl motivating her compliance.  She understands the concepts of 1st..then and she is motivated to do what she is asked even when she is shaking in her boots because she is so afraid.  She is trusting her OT and her momma to keep her safe. Her sensory processing continues to even out and she is making amazing strides.  She has drawn people adding features, traced her J, put together puzzles while crawling on the floor to get there, and so much more but on this day...I am brought to tears because she put on the ILS headphones.  Now to most, this is really insignificant at best.  A five year old put on headphones...but for this momma and her therapist, who teared up as well, we witnessed a miracle.  We witnessed a bright, spunky girl once so trapped by her anxiety that she couldn't even function in this space put on the very equipment that just might be the key to unlocking her even more.  We have been trying to get her to wear these headphones for well over  six months.  She just couldn't do it.  She signed all done with headphones, backed away, or completely shut down when we introduced them, but this technology is so effective with kiddos that our therapist has tried and tried to get her to accept them.  AND today, she could!  Today, she took that scary, challenging piece of equipment and she put them on.  She kept them on for as many as five seconds while she used her fingers to count 1,2,3,4,5 just as her momma did.  Today, I am in awe of this wonderful, incredible child.  I don't deserve to hold her in these moments of triumph, but somehow in His wisdom God has allowed me the privilege.  I wish I could tell her birth mother today.  I wish somehow she could know all that she is accomplishing and how very grateful I am that she is my daughter.  It is on these days, in these moments that I grieve even more for all that her birth momma is missing and all that I have gained because of it.  There is so much loss in this journey and yet I watch as God redeems each and every detail!

On Her Gotcha Day..

In the grand scheme of eternity, three years is not long, but for our family, and our Jillian, these last three years have changed everything.  We are changed because of saying yes to this beautiful babe.  Our eyes have been opened and our hearts have been enlarged in ways I never knew imaginable.   I am forever grateful that God brought this amazing little treasure in my life.  I love her fiercely.  She is MINE and I am her Momma.  There were many, many long days in the beginning that I never thought I would earn that place in her heart.  There were many twists and turns in this journey that I never dreamed would be so hard, but three years later she smiles, she laughs, she communicates, and she is thriving! 

 She has done much more for me than I could ever do for her.  She continues to teach me so very much about love, trust, and facing adversity.

 Watching her heal has been like walking on holy ground most days as all that she has accomplished once seemed impossible.

 She faces many, many challenges each day yet caring for her is a privilege, that I don't deserve, but I give thanks a million times a day as I watch her living with such JOY.

Praying that someday she will actually eat this cake.  Until then, I will just keep putting it in front of her and watch as she blows out the candles smiling.

Because..

 there is nothing better than an afternoon at the park with my babies and my camera.

 Beautiful.

 Stunning.

 Moments in this life that I long to hold onto.

 Sweet.

 Sassy.

Hand in hand.
Summer can't get here soon enough.

Remember Easter Three Years Ago

Three Easters ago, we were in China and holding our five year old treasure for the first time.  It was our first adoption.  We experienced new life in such a tangible way that Easter morning when were handed a fifteen pound twenty five month old who was so wounded and had endured years of neglect, but was suddenly a daughter with hope because we were doing our best to live out the gospel in our lives and answer God's call to love the least.  She was the least we were called to and watching God restore her in the last three years as He has allowed us a small part is something that continues to blow me away.  This weekend alone our sweet, sweet baby has done much.  We had her at an Easter egg hunt in our community on Saturday morning and while she communicated (and I could visibly see) that she was scared out of her mind to be there, she participated!  She sat next to me in a crowded fellowship hall where she had never been before and listened to the story of Jesus resurrection being read.  She walked next to me outside and put a few eggs in a basket.  She has played and played at the park full of smiles and JOY.  She has signed "momma" because she wanted her momma to feed her and, at this moment, she is playing in the water with her daddy in our backyard with the biggest smile on her face.  I wish I could put into words the absolute awe I am in as I watch her.  I just can't imagine what my life would be without her in it and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me the small part of her that He has.  She is a walking miracle whose heart continues to be restored.  When I consider all that she has accomplished, I am overcome with emotion because I know there are millions more like her that wait, just as wounded and broken, this Easter for the hope that she was given three years ago in that government office when we made her ours.  Praying today that we, as believers, consider all that God has done for us by resurrecting His Son and that we are prompted to be His hands and feet to those least who need the hope we have to offer because we belong to Him. 

On Your Gotcha Day..

Dearest Anna Mei,
On your Gotcha Day..

 We spent nearly 30 minutes looking at our China pictures.  Of all my children, you are the one who craves your history more than any other.

 You want so badly to remember every detail and to be a part of all that is your family at the same time.  You are sweet, passionate, and loving.

  You are emotional, can be fierce, and determined.  Our lives are much richer because you are in them.

  As you scream this very minute on your bed in rebellion of your quiet time, I embrace the spirit and strong will the Lord has given you the best I can.  I cherish you.  I love who you are and who you are becoming.

 I love that you just spent ten minutes on the floor acting out our broken tire in the van last week and that you requested screwdrivers (real ones) to "fix" it.  I love that you know the difference between a phillips head and a straight one.

  I can't get over the way you told me all day yesterday that it was your "gotch" day demanding an orange candle for your cake.   BUT mostly, on your gotcha day, I can't bear the thought that I could have missed you all together.

 

 You my dear, sweet girl are a miraculous blessing.  I adore you.  I love your chubby cheeks, the way your hand fits in mine, and the sound of your voice calling mommy in the night.  I can't wait to see where God takes you dear one.  I can't wait to see just how He uses your life for His purposes.  I am honored that you are mine.  

All My Love On Your Gotcha Day,
Momma

We Are Home..

This was only the second Saturday we spent in our new home, but I am feeling like we are home!  Finally, we are home.

 Anna Mei and I did a donut run while everyone slept.  We hit the neighborhood bakery for the first time.  DELICIOUS!

 My angel's face lit naturally by all the sunlight in our living room. Is she not stunning? 

 We worked (and played) in our backyard the entire day.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy Momma watching them.

 She loves our flower bed mud in the backyard.

This beauty was full of JOY the entire day!  We all were!  This home is perfect!  I think it may be my favorite yet, but Em says I say that every time!  Still we have redone and touched every inch of it and it is all ours.  To say, I am thrilled to be settling in is an understatement!

My Little Helper

With all the renovating of our new home and the many, many projects I have had to complete, this little lady is getting pretty good at using her tools.  It is so much sweeter to have a little one next to me helping me each day than doing it alone though it often takes a bit longer.

I just can't get enough of the angles of her little face or the chubbiness of her little hands.  She is growing and changing so fast.  My momma heart just wishes I could keep her little forever.  I am grateful to have every moment with her as I know how very fast they grow up. 

It's Quiet

It's quiet and my mind is remembering the beauty of the worship music blaring through our van as my two Chinese beauties were both clapping their hands and singing Jesus name on the way to school.  God is so good to give me these two treasures as my own.  How I absolutely cherish them!  I am grateful for that image of them, that I hold in my heart, on the way to drop Jillian off at school yesterday singing with such JOY to Vertical Church's I believe in You.  I certainly never dreamed I would be walking here with these beauties in the stage of life, but it is the sweetest and most beautiful road I have ever walked.