Loss

Yesterday, we traveled to Molly Kate's orphanage one final time.  I tried my best to hold myself together as I walked the halls of that place because I wanted to do all I could to collect as many pieces of my daughter's past as possible.  Someday, she may want to know her story and, for now, I am its keeper.  I thought I would struggle most with the faces of the other children waiting there looking back at me, but I couldn't get my heart away from my Molly's.  She was so sad.  Sad at the thought of saying good bye and leaving this place again that she sobbed and sobbed when she was handed back to me.  Break my momma heart, this girl has experienced so much loss and abandonment in her short life.  I do not regret that we took the journey to her first home, but I wish that I could have somehow shielded her heart from experiencing leaving it again.  We met nannies, saw the buildings, walked the halls where she walked, and saw her crib.  It was very well run and clean, but it was still an orphanage.  Her nanny even showed me hundreds of pictures of her that she had taken on her phone and told me she loved her.  I could tell my little girl was loved.  I could see it in her smile when she saw her caretakers again as they approached her.  How this life isn't fair.  I know that God has a plan for this and that He will bring much good from it, but seeing my darling girl suffering is not easy for this momma.