I Lost It

I really desire above all else to glorify God through this journey. I want desperately for people to see Him through me as I care for my little one.

It got messy yesterday at therapy and I had to ask the therapist to leave. It wasn't my best moment. I was upset and the only thing I could do was ask her to leave. We are getting another therapist..

I am so passionate about my daughter. I love her so much. I am also certain that how I am parenting her and the things that I am doing to help her heal emotionally and bond to our family are the best practices..not because I made them up myself, but because I am reading things and watching DVDs from Dr. Karyn Purvis. I have also attended thirty plus hours of classroom training online and at our home study agency before bringing her home about parenting kiddos from hard places and have read at least thirty different books on the subject. Most importantly, I lean heavily on God's word and His wisdom.

My daughter spent the first two years of her life neglected, underfed, and under stimulated. Some people just don't understand this piece of my daughter's puzzle. She needs to be nurtured not encouraged to go off alone in solitude to soothe herself. She needs to be attended to when she cries and has anxiety not left to cry it out. She needs to know that I will care for her, protect her, and fight for her. Right now her emotional well being and our attachment have to be my number one priority. Call me crazy, but I don't care if she sits for ten minutes and puts plastic bears in cups. She is just a baby having only been allowed to live in this world for the last five months. So, I lost it. I really lost it. God isn't glorified when I loose it.

I bet this is not the last time it's going to happen, but I have deep regret that I couldn't have handled it differently. I have been feeling that this therapist just didn't match up with my philosophy for at least two months and I should have done something before it got this far. I shouldn't have let the coordinator talk me out of switching two months ago when I first brought it up because it required more paperwork. Forgive me Lord. Give me wisdom and strength as I continue to navigate this world of being a parent of a child who is so very special. I love my Jillian so, but I need to remember that you love her even more than I do. I need to remember that you have a plan for her life. Help me Lord. Help me remember that.

Just Because

Just because I want to remember that the last two days when you cried at therapy..you let me calm you. You sat close to me in my lap on the platform swing while I sang to you and you stopped crying. You recovered from your sadness and moved on because of momma's comforting you. Oh, sweet girl to hold you in my arms and have you stop crying..it's beyond words. How I love you so dear, sweet child. How I long for you to know that-all the moments of your life. How I want you to trust me more than anything. How I want to hold the place of momma in your heart for a lifetime. I am praying fervently for your healing and know God has a plan to redeem you little one. With all my heart, I wait in anticipation for that day. Until then, I will lay hands on you each and every night and pray my heart out. Love you! Love you! Love you, Jillian Elizabeth. Love you more than words could ever say.

Lessons Learned At the Park

I love going to the park with my baby girl. She has taught me much. Today we spent two hours there doing absolutely nothing. We had no agenda. She led me this way and that. Which got me thinking about all that she has taught me. I thought I would share it with you.

1. Take time to enjoy crunching the leaves.

Bury yourself in them if you want to.

The laundry will wait.

2. Always stick your tongue out while you work. It helps you concentrate.

3. When you feel like it, sit a spell.

It doesn't matter where you are-just do it.

4. Never go too far without reaching for the hand of one you love.

It's safer to always be connected to them.

5. Always take time to look at the beauty around you.6. When you find something you love,

laugh until your eyes disappear into your face.

7. Don't worry if your hands get dirty,

just fling it off.

8. Take time to pick the flowers.

9. Don't forget to get your nose so close to the blooms

that they brush your face and tickle you.

10. Just take as much time as you want here.

These moments are fleeting.

I won't be small forever and right now I just need to be with you momma.

I was thinking today that I wish I could just keep her small forever. No labels, no special needs, no worrying about her future, no struggling to make her fit into the mold this world has for her..just a baby enjoying time with her momma. I know we will have to face these things soon enough. As for today and tomorrow and that day after that, we will spend two hours enjoying one another at the park. Blessed to have time for this. Blessed to be her momma.

Off the Path to Worship

Jillian led me off the path today.

She was crossing the street at the park this morning. We were entering the trees where she usually begins to pick up sticks and poke at the tall tree trunks that we pass by as we walk in the grass. Suddenly, she turned around and led me to the swing set off the path situated by itself back near the popcorn stand.

We were alone there. It was just the two of us along with a few chirping birds and some squirrels playing in the trees. She motioned for me to sit on the swing. I did as I scooped her up in my arms and sat her in my lap. At that moment, I was overcome by the beauty of my God. Here I was sitting with this little treasure in my lap taking in the sights of the park at its autumn peek. The clouds overhead billowed with fluffy whiteness as I raised my eyes to the heavens. There I was sitting on a swing with my girl. This beautiful girl once discarded. This little one I had missed and long for those ten months of waiting. This little one from across the sea-now mine. Here. In my arms. Once again this little child leading me into an intense, beautiful, and overwhelming moment of worship..

I couldn't help, but praise Him.

I started to sing...

I love you Lord and I lift my voice
to worship you.
Oh my soul rejoice.
Take joy my King
in what you hear.
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear.

I sang it again and again. We must have sat swinging there as the leaves dropped for twenty minutes. I was singing that praise chorus the entire time. As I was cuddling her little frame, the tears came and it was as if God was whispering..I made you for this. I made you for this. He made me to love this little girl. He made me to be her momma and He made me to simply worship Him because of it. Miraculous. I continue to marvel at just how amazing it is that I get to do this. He made me for this. What a feeling. What a God. What an honor to be able to mother this treasure. What an incredible blessing to have such an incredible man and mature, loving daughter to do it alongside.

I love you Lord. You are the thrill of my life. Truly I continue to be blown away by you.

Praise Jesus Name

I have to begin by saying that tv does nothing for Jillian. She pays no attention to it. It doesn't matter if Sesame Street is on or Sports Center-she doesn't care. It is as if that big black box is a void of space in her mind. While this is not such a bad thing..it makes this story even more miraculous....

Since our princess is not a fan of the sanctuary building, I generally don't ever get to attend the worship service. BUT since DH is part of the television ministry, he generally gives me the DVD of the service and I participate in it by watching it in my spare time from the comfort of our living room.

Well, the same was true of the SYATP youth rally that was held at our church in the sanctuary on Wednesday, Sept. 28. We had a praise band, Belair, booked to lead praise. We had over 200 kids attend and a great speaker, Brandon Grant, present the gospel. Sadly, little Jill was way too frightened that night to even enter the doors of the church because the crowd was outside. So, I missed it...but it came to me via DVD. I popped it in on Friday night while Daddy and Sissy were out at a church function and the praise music and visuals of the band on our television filled our living room with praises to our King.

Just look at our sweet girl's response...

It caught her attention. She is totally watching the band. Imagine with me the lyrics..The Praise Goes Out to You..The Praise Goes Out to You..playing as she stares. At this point, momma is singing along with the band and we are having us a real praise session in our living room.

Then her little hands go up! So adorable as I was singing and raising my own hands to the Lord that her little arms went up in the air. Look at that look in her eyes. She is having her a time with Jesus for sure.

Soon being seated wasn't enough for her. So she stood and walked as close to the tv as she could. Eyes fixed on the screen and ears hearing the lyrics.."Today, today I live for one thing to give you praise..the praise goes out to you. Yah the praise goes out to you. Jesus!"
Then before I knew it there she was-in front of the tv with both of her hands up in the air and her eyes closed. She must have stayed that way for a good minute. It took my breath away. She can't yet speak, but she was feeling the love of her Heavenly Father tonight. This is one of those beautiful moments that this momma will treasure in her heart always. Forever. Another tender and close moment with my Savior brought on because I have brought this treasure in my life. Praise Him for her! Praise Him that she is mine.

My Little Working Girl

This is our new "work" chair. It is super cute and looks like a little desk. The first thing I had to do was get her comfortable sitting in it...It looks like she's thinking..now what have you gotten me into lady?
Blocks..I like my blocks-no problem here.
(I started her out with tasks that she was comfortable with so she wouldn't have any additional anxiety. She had enough about the chair.)

I am outta here momma.

(She sat in it for about a minute the first time. Baby steps. All I want are baby steps and we're getting them.)

Watch me scale this thing. Over and out.

Yeah! Victory. I am outta there.

(Gotta love her will and determination. Really though introducing this chair has been much less stressful than getting her in the highchair. She is beginning to trust me.)

So now that she is used to the chair..It's crayon time. She was less than thrilled about putting those things in her hand and scribbling, but she tolerated momma's hand over hand. Her first work of art. It will be displayed proudly on the fridge. She continues to spend a bit of time each day in her chair. She is a working girl for sure..therapy momma is at her best with this chair. Ah the joys of having a teacher momma. One day she will appreciate it..Maybe!

The Therapist Said It

I have said it myself about our princess. I have used the words myself when talking to my friends in my Sunday school class about our Jillian. I have continued to "prepare" daddy and used the words many times when talking with him. Really I know this is coming. I know it because professionally this is the thing I was all about. I have logged four times more professional hours of training involving these words than any other in the last thirteen years of my teaching career. I have loved deeply many kids who are labeled with these words. They have been my joy-my passion. I know all about the ups and downs, the joys and the hurts, involved with these words very well. I know it's coming, but when the OT said this is typical behavior for a kiddo on the autism spectrum when talking about my baby-I was taken aback. To hear her say these words aloud-it rocked me to the core. Luckily she went out to her car right after using them to get us some more equipment and I composed myself very quickly.

So on with it. I am using all I know to help her and I am blessed to have a lot more knowledge than the typical parent would thanks to my professional training. One thing is for sure, words or not, my baby will reach her full potential with my help. I will do whatever it takes to help her be all that God created her to be. She is perfectly placed in our family and all of this is God's great plan.

You have to love my man, who when I told him about the words the OT said and their effect on me, he replied.. "that is why we have her because we know how to do this". He also asked if we got to keep the really cool cube chair the OT brought because it might be useful for some of the other kiddos we will be bringing home. This momma's heart beams at that thought. These words will not defeat us. We will not waiver. We will not be afraid. God has a plan to use this for His glory. Bring it on. Bring it on. This momma is ready.

She's Brave Enough

She's been going to the park playground for almost five months now. Everyday. For five months. Most days she enjoys it very much. She walks holding my hand, explores the trees, and walks near the play equipment, but never would she get on it. That is until about four weeks ago when she was finally brave enough to give it a try...

She used to only walk on when I would carry her and all the while she clutched tightly to my neck. Now, she walks like a big girl up the ramp to the slide watching her feet on the "strange" surface.
I'm still not sure I trust you lady, but I'll give this a try!!
Here we go!!!!!!!!
Let's go again!

Incredible to watch her conquering her fears. Slowly she is overcoming. Who knows maybe she'll get on the baby swing next week..I'm not holding my breath. It may be next summer before she gets up the nerve to do that one. Oh Well, I like having her swing in my lap on the bench swing better anyway. The only big concern is what we will do everyday when it gets cold. I'm not so sure.. The park is one of the only places that she is comfortable.

It may be a long winter. :)

I Cried Just Now

I cried just now..

I am so excited to redo these rooms for the Project Sunshine makeovers. I think about it a lot. I spend nap time scouring the Internet for products and design ideas. It is consuming me because it is so much fun.

AND...

I just got some amazing news about funding for this project. That's right God did it again. He stirred the heart of one of His own and led them to make a generous declaration of support to this cause in honor of the forgotten in foster care. I was giddy when I got the news. Just like that we have abundance!! SO HAPPY. SO BLOWN AWAY. SO SURE OF THE GOODNESS OF GOD TO PROVIDE FOR HIS CAUSES.

Then suddenly I was filled with sadness and the tears came. They came because while I am having so much fun decorating these rooms via cyber-world, these children who will visit and use these rooms are hurting. They are hungry, sad, about to leave everything that they know with a social worker only to be swept to a new place because they are living in a dangerous situation. I cried about that. I really let myself feel these kiddos pain.

Sometimes I wish Jesus hadn't shown me these children. Sometimes I wish I could just pretend that I didn't feel such overwhelming sadness about all the children in the world who are in need, but God has shown me. He has broken my heart for what breaks His and I feel it. There is so much to do and I want to do it. Sadly though, most often I turn my face after feeling their pain and walk the other way.

Feeling isn't enough. I want to do something to be the hands and feet of Jesus for these children. I want living out my faith to be a verb not just a feeling. Crying out to God to show me what to do to help. Begging Him to be persistent in me and hold me accountable to represent Him to these children and the millions more who need believers to light the way.

Project Sunshine-Change of Date

The caseworker has had a change of plans and because she has to be there while we work..

Saturday, November 19

is our Pekin Project Sunshine Date

(So sorry about the change. She just emailed me yesterday.)

There is still lots to do and plenty of ways to help. If you can be there on the 19th, let me know and you can help with the painting and putting together of the rooms. If you can donate funds or new toys to our project or if you are willing to bring lunch to our volunteers on the 19th...Please let me know by emailing me slmaster16 at hotmail dot com or leaving a comment.

Praise the Lord..

• 
  
  we have $105 of the $2,000 we need donated!


• 
  
  we have a Ladies bible study group in Minier committed to helping!


• 
  
  we have a business who is donating all the paint!


• 
  
  we have a group of 10 of us to work that day!

Remember if you want more info, are interested in donating online, or are led to help the foster care community in other ways visit The Forgotten Initiative. If you want to get involved with this Pekin project sunshine email me at slmaster16 at hotmail dot com. You can also see this post for more information. I have been so blessed to have begun work on this..Remember prayer is key so if you can commit to praying for us..THANK YOU!!!

She Ran To Me

She ran to me just now. I was eating supper after feeding her some and she was playing in the living room. She looked up and ran to me calling momma, momma, momma and smiling the whole way. The last few days, she has been a bit disconnected and had a rough night on Tuesday. So to say my heart is full of joy to hear her calling that and running toward me is an understatement. Oh I love her so. Becoming her momma is such a blessing and to have her knowing that that is me..well-it's beyond words.

Serving the Forgotten in Foster Care

(I posted an introduction to my newest project serving the foster care community in a post here. If you missed it..please read the first post and then return to this one. There are also pictures and videos of other Project Sunshines just like this one we will be doing in Pekin at this site if you would like to see a project in action.)

I am so excited to announce that the date I have set for this Project Sunshine to redo the visit rooms at the DCFS agency in Pekin is

Saturday, November 19.

Now that the date is set ...

I NEED YOU!!!

(these foster kids need you!)

1. We need money to redo these rooms. I'm going to be honest and say that so far I am coming up short in this area, but am trusting the Lord to provide if it is in His will. Without funds donated, there is no way that this project can get completed. Each project, though sponsored through The Forgotten Initiative (TFI), has to fund itself. My heart so wants to be able to provide these children in the foster community with a clean, inviting, safe place to stay while they wait for placement in new foster homes, visit siblings, and see their bio parents during supervised visits. I want these kids to feel loved, special, important, and cared for. Please pray about contributing. My heart is broken when I see the conditions of their current rooms. They are so in need of revitalization.

If you feel led by the Lord to help financially, you can contribute online by going to The Forgotten Initiative website, clicking on donate in the main body of the page, entering an amount, and writing Pekin Project Sunshine Room in the comment section. If you donate online, please shoot me an email at slmaster16 at hotmail dot com to let me know the amount of your donation. You can also write a check made out to Lifesong and mail it in the old fashion way. All contributions are tax deductible.

2. We also need new toys and supplies donated. If you are interested in donating art supplies, books, toys, furniture..we need that too. Children of all ages use these rooms and we want to have something for everyone. If you have contacts in the furniture industry and can hook us up with some donations or carpet that would be amazing too. You can contact me at slmaster16 at hotmail dot com if you are interested in making that kind of donation.

3. We need volunteers the week of November 19. We won't be able to pull everything off on Saturday so I will be working there preparing, getting things ready, cleaning, and various other things throughout the entire week. If you have a free day or two, please email me and let me know. We also need lunch on Saturday, November 19 to feed our volunteers.

4. We need prayer. More importantly, the foster kiddos and those who love and serve them need prayer. This room is for them. They need us. They have been forgotten in my heart for far too long. One of my friends who is a foster momma just adopted her boys in the last few weeks. She told me that when she went to visit them in her agency office before accepting them- the social worker told her that she was there only hope. No one else wanted them. I cry as I type that seeing them now in this christian family-happy, healthy, and growing. The body of Christ is the only hope for most of these hurting kids. They need our hope. We have it to share. Will you join with me in this project and serve these kiddos as a way to show the hope of Christ to them?

So excited to be on this ride with Him. God is up to something BIG here as He is bringing many into my path that have been involved with fostering. I know that all who are a part of this will be blessed to see how God works. Will you join me?

I Almost Said No

It was late the other night and I was getting the girls to bed when I discovered my Jilly had filled her pants. Perfect timing..I cleaned her up and changed her, but there was the issue of the dirty diaper upstairs. So, I bagged the dirty diaper and asked Darling Kiddo to please walk it downstairs and put it out the backdoor so it wouldn't contaminate the upstairs with its odor. She hates poo diapers. Really hates them. She usually leaves the room when I change Jill's diapers and she usually makes a big scene too. So because of her feeling toward the poo diapers, she refused to take the bag downstairs. Part of me wanted to just tell her to get over it and take the poo to the backdoor. I was tired, still had a toddler to wrestle to bed, and her to tuck in too. Regardless, she offered to stay upstairs with sissy so I could get rid of the poo myself. I agreed hesitantly and went off with the bag in hand. I came back upstairs after throwing out that diaper to find Jillian and big sis snuggled up in their pjs on the bed. Big sis was not only watching sissy for me, she was lovin on her next to her all snuggled up in her bed. It was a precious sight for a momma to behold..my two girls snuggled up together like that. I wish I could have captured it on film, but my camera was not near and so I am going to have to rely on my heart to record this moment. So glad that I didn't say no to big sis's offer. So glad that I took her up on her deal and handled the poo myself because seeing them together like that warms my heart.

It Takes My Breath Away..

It takes my breath away to think..

She's mine..

She's really mine..

Oh, I love her to bits!!!

Those cheeks are made for kisses..

Those chubby toddler hands are perfect to hold..

What a HUGE blessing!!

A Special Guest

We were so lucky to have Uncle A here with us for the night last week. He was a big help around here and even got in on feeding Jill...

She truly enjoyed having another person at her beck and call. She bossed him just as much as she does the rest of us.

Recovery and Preparation

We were swinging today at the park like always. But because the electric sprinkler system doused the silver swing that is usually stop #2 of our route, we were rerouted to a black swing near the road. All part of God's plan for us this morning because from the black swing we were visible from the road..and wouldn't you know this morning "my class" ( I was a special ed teacher before staying home.) was out on a morning community trip with their new teacher. Their wonderful teacher spotted me from the swing (because of the reroute) and they pulled into the park to say hello. It was so good to see them. I miss those special kiddos so much.

My first instinct was to get on the bus to hug them. Of course, Jill was not OK with that and she started to cry. I got off the bus immediately and started to walk with Jill, but was sure that she was entering into meltdown mode and we would have to leave the park. I kept walking with her, holding her close, and singing to her (sorry to those at the park-I can't sing).

Then, the most wonderful thing happened as we walked...
SHE RECOVERED.
SHE ACTUALLY RECOVERED!!!
I can hardly believe that I am able to say that BUT it's true..SHE RECOVERED!!

We were near the beginning of our swing route by this point and so she just started all over again. We started with swing #1-then #2-then the playground. She fully recovered and enjoyed another hour at the park. It was probably one of the most victorious mornings of my life. I am not kidding.

Starting our route again also gave me time to think as we were swinging. I was thinking about how God has been preparing me to be this special girl's momma for the last 13 years. I am no stranger to the world of special kids, therapy, communication devices, joint compression, deep massage, sensory integration methods, IEPs, or the like. In fact, special kids is my professional specialty and one of my passions. God has been developing that in me and He knew that this special little girl would be mine and that I could use all that knowledge for her. It struck me again that God is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. He has it all planned out for our good even when it seems less than good at the time. AMAZING! Amazing that I get to be this little one's momma and that God has been preparing me for it all of my life. How I love knowing that His hand never leaves me..How I love knowing He is bringing about His perfect will in my life each and every day.

To My Girl

My Dear Jillian,

You haven't left my lap today. You have been snuggled down happy as a lark all day. It is so good to see you so very happy. It rained last night and at the park this morning there was mud everywhere. You loved it. You squished your shoes all around in it. You made me go down the wet slide with you in my lap. You laughed hysterically at the speed the water added to our descent.

I marvel at you today. I marvel at how you are growing. I marvel at how your heart is able to love and I rejoice at how freely you are accepting love from us. I marvel at how God has prepared us all for each other from the beginning of time. His plan is far greater than I could have ever dreamed. My love for you and joy because of you is deeper than I could have ever imagined. I love you with all my heart.

Becoming your mother is a journey that continues to grow me in ways that I never dreamed. Thank you for being my daughter. Thank you for all that you have taught me. Though our time together thus far has been short-you have shown me so much..so much about trust, love, and perseverance. I truly think I needed you more than you needed me. Love watching you sleep just now and taking in each and every one of these moments. You are a treasure. You are my daughter. You are loved by the King and by this momma.

Love you so dear girl.

Giggles Galore

(I have to begin with a confession..We must not be making Em practice her piano enough as Jillian has been home five months and this is the first time she has heard the piano. Summer break was long..but back to lessons and practice for Darling Kiddo.)

Wonder what could be causing this...

and this...

and this..

Why this...Of Course!

Sissy is back to piano lessons which means practice. Jillian loved the sound and the vibration in the floor as sissy played the keys. She asked us to play that piano all night and giggled with joy as each of us "played". Look at how she is holding her sissy's hand. Who can stand it? So cute..

So thankful for my girls..So much love to share.

Joy Has Returned..

..now that Daddy is back home. Our girl is back to herself since daddy has been home again. She is far less anxious and much more connected. Oh last week was so hard, BUT she has had three days in a row that have been meltdown free now that daddy has returned. She is so complex our little one and things affect her so deeply. I knew she knew something was going on and she definitely knew that daddy wasn't home. Praise the LORD-her joy has returned!!


Just look at her playing with her daddy!! So much JOY!


There is nothing cuter than a chubby tummy in longjohn pjs. Precious!


Lacing bead fun!!

Grateful

Today is one of those days that as I watch her sleep..

I am overcome with joy that God has made her mine.

Grateful..

Grateful to you-who made this happen-by giving to bring her home.

I see your faces each and everyday as I feed her, hear her laugh, listen to her say momma, or see the twinkle in her eye.

Thank you is simply so inadequate.

But thank you..

Thank you for caring about bringing our baby home to us.

Thank you for loving her and sharing some of what the Lord has blessed you with so that she too could have a loving family.

Truly the difference you have made for her-in her life-is beyond words.

I love you-each and everyone of you-because you loved my baby with Jesus' love..

Praise Him!

Praise Him that He sets the lonely in families and invites us to take part.