I am processing a lot this past week. So much is swirling in my head and mulling in my heart. I have started a post several times and then deleted it. Typed, then retyped some more only to stare at a blank page again. God is doing so much. Speaking so clearly and at times it leaves me spinning.
Monday started with therapy last week and numbers. Which leads me to this..I hate numbers..Assessment numbers that is-hate them...Age equivalent scores are down right evil if you ask me. These numbers for my baby girl are still so very low and all those blasted numbers do are turn my eyes from the Lord and leave me asking questions. Will I ever hear her sweet voice say "I love you momma"? Will she ever be able to dress herself? Will she read? Will she have to attend public school? Will she... all things that I have struggled with all week. Struggling not because I am not willing to embrace the answer to each of these questions being not what I hoped, but struggling because it is all so unknown. Struggling because in my mind, I want to have a plan for the future. I want to be in control. One thing the Lord continues to teach me is that I may not see my dreams for her this side of eternity. One more thing is for sure, He is in control and I am not. He continues to teach me that He is the ultimate reality maker. His reality for my baby girl may not match this momma's dreams for her, but His plan is that her life, and our part in it, bring Glory to His name. Ultimately, that is what I want to live for-to bring glory to Him who made me and my baby girl. If she never speaks..God is still good. If she never reads..God is still good. If she never gets to attend the special, christian school we love so much..God is still good. I will still love Him. I will still serve Him and I will still obey Him walking by faith into this unknown future that I can't see. A future that is filled with joy and abundant love because He has allowed our Jillian to be in it with us.
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Very beautifully written mama! The Lord has equipped you to raise this sweet babe...in more ways than you even know. Keep clinging to Him...you are doing a fantastic job!!!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your frustration with the numbers as well. HOWEVER.....when those get you down, re-read your last couple of posts. She has come so far even in the last couple of months! She is sleeping better, eating better & so much more! God is working miracles in her, and we are all praising God right alongside you!
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