Ellie Fed Herself

During meals, I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve.  I have done this feeding therapy thing before so I am armed with all the best tricks.  I put food down on the tray for her to touch and explore.  I also started putting an extra spoon next to the food on the tray.  Imagine my surprise and thrill when she picked it up and put it in her mouth by herself!   

It was adorable....

She's Eating a Cracker

SHE'S EATING A CRACKER!!!

Little Miss Jillian still cannot chew.  She has no clue how to use her jaw to move those chompers up and down to chew anything.  She doesn't bite.  She doesn't chew on toys, or anything, because literally she has no idea how to chew.  She mashes food with her tongue in a sort of sucking motion and swallows most things whole.  She eats only soft foods like rice/pasta and cooked fruit because she couldn't even use her tongue to spit food out that was too big to swallow until recently.  She swallowed everything she put in even if it choked her.  She is a big applesauce and yogurt fan as they have a puree texture and are easiest for her to eat..no mashing required because mashing all your food with your tongue is a workout.  We have been in feeding therapy for almost two years now trying to figure out those teeth, introduce her to new food textures, and get her chewing.  We have tried many, many different things.  We have worked a long, long time and she has made great progress (thank you Easter Seals therapists), but she still won't put most foods in her mouth probably because she can't just swallow them and has no idea how in the world to chew.  So at snack each day at school, Jillian eats what I pack her.  I pack her comfort foods, her favorite spoons, and her therapy cup for her each day.  While she eats her special snack packed lovingly by momma, the other kiddos in her class munch on graham crackers all around her.  Well, she has been watching them and yesterday she took a small bit of cracker from Miss Nina and put it in her mouth.  She is even making a biting sort of motion when I give her a piece at home.  This is huge and exciting.  One of the main ways we were trying to bring awareness of her teeth to her was by placing these crunchy textures in small bits on her teeth, but she wouldn't even let us hand feed these to her.  I have been hand feeding her little bits too after her interaction with the cracker at school yesterday and she is letting me get them in!  She is still trying to "suck" bits in mostly and not opening up, but just taking them from me is a huge step in the right direction.  Miss Kelsey, our feeding therapist back home, would be so proud!  Funny I just said to Sean two days ago that she may never chew, but I am so thankful she can eat some foods and is gaining weight and healthy.  Then, we get this breakthrough!  WAAAHOOO!!!

All By Herself

She is drinking all by herself with this amazing, new blue cup!

She is even taking about 2 ounces of smoothie at each meal!

She just doesn't have the oral muscle tone to keep most of those thin liquids from running out.

Smoothies and thinned applesauce are just right.

She is rocking them!

Miss K, our feeding therapist, is going to be so pleased!

I can't wait until next Thursday to show off what she can do!

Feeding Therapy..One Year Re-Eval

This morning my treasure had her re-evaluation for feeding therapy.  I am in awe continually of this baby girl.  After only twenty months in our family, she is chewing, using a cup, eating with a spoon, taking so many textures, she has put on 17 pounds, and is so absolutely secure with such a personality.  Taking liquids and putting a cup in her mouth is still a real struggle for her because of her oral defensiveness.  Today in therapy..the therapist suggested introducing her to an open cup with a bit of thinned out applesauce in it.  My baby girl loves her some applesauce and so they thought the familiar flavor might be motivating enough for her to use that open cup.  Now, I have to tell you that this little girl DOES NOT like new things.  It can take months years to get her to put things in her mouth.  Remember..it took four months to get her to allow a spoon in her mouth so that I could get some purees in her, over a year to put a sippy cup to her lips (which she still doesn't drink well out of), and more than fifteen months to allow a toothbrush to those teeth.  It has been a struggle.  Today though if you had been sitting in the room with us, you would have never known that.  It was the first time that Jillian had ever seen this cup, but she saw me put the applesauce in and she was interested.  Our therapist K raised it to her lips, Jillian opened up (THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE ORAL MOTOR ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER TOO), and the room went crazy (there were three of us in there) with applause and excitement because of her accomplishment which simply put was using this new blue cup.  After each drink throughout the rest of the session, Jillian then proceeded to clap for herself while staring at the other three of us in the room waiting for the thunderous applause.  She does, after all, deserve all of this praise because she is one little trooper my girl.  She is the bravest, most courageous and amazing little creature that I have ever known and I am one blessed momma to get to witness her accomplishing so much!  How I love her!

We got to bring the blue cup home.  Here she is using it! 

Oral Defensiveness..An Update on Our Little Lady

One of the most challenging things about our sweet treasure is her oral defensiveness. When she first came home she wouldn't put anything in her mouth, but a bottle which she had to hold herself.  (Remember she was 26 months and had never had solid food.)  Then about a month after coming home, she let me start putting my finger in her mouth with a bit of yogurt on it.  Slowly, she let me add some baby food (stage 1). I fed her that way, with my finger while she sat on the floor (and I did too), for about two months until she decided she could trust me to put that spoon in her mouth and sit in a high chair. 

We have made huge progress with the spoon feeding and the high chair, but she will still not drink from a cup.  Up until recently, she wouldn't even let a cup near her mouth.  She also gave up the bottle suddenly-well over a year ago-because she was plagued with ear infections when she came home and I suspect that after latching on to spoon feeding she realized it was much less uncomfortable for her ears than sucking from that bottle.  So..I spoon her liquids into her mouth everyday.  It is hard, but I am thankful that she does get some liquid that way.  There were months that she refused to even spoon her liquids in and she got nothing.  SO..we take it how we can.

This month in feeding therapy we talked and found we continue to make solid progress with most of her other feeding goals so we decided to tackle the cup again.   So, I keep getting it out.  At first, she had me use the cup-a lot.  She signed momma drink and watched as I drank from the sippy.  Then she started to pick it up herself and bring it to her lips to kiss it with her lips closed.  Now I can get her to open her mouth and put it in for one good "drink" at each meal.  Then I push her to bring it to her lips a few more times.  This is huge progress!  She continues to make big strides and has come so far!  Everything is such a struggle for her, but I am thankful that God continues to give her the courage to overcome slowly those obstacles that are in her path.

Praying that the cup thing will take soon and then we can tackle tooth brushing. 

Racing Ahead

So here I am sitting in the silence (Jillian is asleep!) drinking the way too cold cup of hot tea that I made myself to drink purely for its caffeine content hours ago and I have to admit..this life is good. We have had a very busy week in terms of therapy and it seems that after six or so tough weeks- our baby girl is racing ahead again. I am encouraged. I am in awe. I am falling ever deeper in love with my daughter who is such a fighter and who continues to amaze me.

This morning it was feeding therapy and I think I finally figured out why she has had such angst at Easter Seals the last six weeks..it involves feeding and a vibrating spoon. She refused when we tried to use it in OT on February 17, but didn't make a scene so I didn't even think..BUT then I started seeing that she was refusing to eat pudding (a favorite food prior to being the substance carried to her mouth via the mentioned spoon). Maybe, just maybe this experience pushed her way out of her comfort zone and she was feeling very insecure there because of it.

Fast forward to today in feeding therapy and my sweet girl still refuses to eat anything in that building. I didn't feed her breakfast this morning before our 9:00 appointment hoping she would be able to eat, but though she was very hungry..she only allowed herself to open up for one bite. You could see the struggle in her little head..the battle of anxiety she was facing. She would sit in the chair and put my hand on the spoon, let it come to her lips, touch her lips, but not open up. She did not cry. She was extremely obedient about sitting. She laughed. She communicated with us by gesturing and was a bit vocal. She insisted that we give her high fives when she thought she had done well, but she would not open up. My sweet girl is so oral defensive..TRULY a huge hurdle because we can't even begin to teach her to chew if she won't let us in there. I am so thankful for our wonderful, patient therapist who hasn't been able to do much with feeding during our appointments the last few months, but who welcomes us patiently anyway.

Despite all this, Jillian is such an incredible little being. To think that she lived in that mass institution, without any room for individualization with all that she has to deal with in her little mind, makes this momma bawl. No wonder she shut down there. I was thinking that she is so complex and finally I feel like I am beginning to know her. How I love her. I deeply love her and am forever grateful to God who brought her to me.

I know that there are many more struggles ahead, but I also believe that God has ordained this journey for us and I am excited to see what my sweet girl will do. There is a plan for her that God has predestined and I feel blessed to be chosen by Him to be a part of it.

My Brave Girl

Dearest Baby Girl..
Today the Lord reminded me just how brave you are..how resilient..how wonderful. We had therapy in a different room than usual and while you were extremely nervous, anxious, and sensitive to all that was new around you..You eventually overcame and had some fun with momma's help. How you trust me sweet one and look to me to meet your needs is just one of the greatest blessings of my life. You glazed over initially in this new space, got your coat, took momma to the door, and began to cry. You let me come to you, hold you, and calm your fears. Then in desperation, we turned to sensory play Miss M and I..swinging you by your hands and feet and crashing your body into the mat and you laughed..It was a small and reserved laugh at first. The kind of laugh that seems to accidentally slip out even when joy seems fleeting. Suddenly as if the flood gates let loose..you smiled and really laughed. You gave us your eyes and overcame your fear because you felt safe there with me. You trusted me. After that you were all smiles and engaged Miss M and I for nearly thirty minutes swinging, putting rings on the sorter, and playing peek-a-boo in the mirror. You are so brave and I am so blessed to watch you overcoming your hurt taking on the world a little bit at a time. I have been thinking a lot about what it must have been like for you to live without the love and support of a family those first two years of your life. I have been thinking about how it must have just been easier for you to hide inside yourself and refuse the world. You don't have to do that anymore. Praising God that you are home with us now and that you have a family to help you feel safe and that by God's grace you are overcoming the things that have kept you in darkness and isolation for so long. I love you and I will fight for you all the days of my life. You are a blessing and a true treasure. Take on the world baby girl and momma will be standing right by your side cheering you on every step of the way! To God be the glory!!
Momma

Feeding Praises

We had our first feeding therapy session today. Oh My this little one has made such huge gains. She is eating more like a 6 month old these days and enjoying it. The therapist was so pleased and really Jill just continues to amaze all of us. She has made huge leaps in the last two months since her initial screening. She enjoys eating her baby food and is eating every meal in the highchair..that's right in the highchair!!! She even took some water from a special "cup" they have in therapy. This is the first time she has ever taken water and certainly the first time she has ever used anything other than a bottle. She was resistant at first, but then she opened up and momma squirted that water right in. Two drinks-she took two drinks! I ordered that cup as soon as I got home from a cool therapy tools site and even paid a little more to get it here in two days. She is doing so well!

We have to go to Easter Seals for this therapy and again she was totally ok with being in there. Although she was a little disappointed when she saw the pool because she was probably hoping to have therapy in there. (She is a water bug!) This was our first time seeing our feeding therapist in over a month, but Jill warmed right up to her. She even sat in the rifton chair to eat during therapy for a while before retreating to momma's lap. WOW this girl continues to amaze me.

I have to admit I cried the whole way home. I am so happy about how well she is doing and so thrilled that I get to be this little one's momma that there are times that I am over come. I just couldn't help myself. The words of the official in that adoption office in Ch*na just kept ringing in my ears..She is delayed, worthless, behind her peers, dumb..Do you still want her? Jill just needed a family. She just needed a momma who would come for her.

Oh how my heart grieves that I have said no to adoption for so long. This little one has taught me so much and given me so much joy that it is difficult to describe. She just needed a family to come for her. Really there is nothing extraordinary about us. I am nothing special and I have no specialized skills to qualify me to mother this precious treasure, but all of the excuses that I made for so long to back up my "I can't adopt God" just seem so trivial now. Forgive me Lord for my resistance to do this. Forgive me for the many orphans that I have left sitting in an orphanage all these years while I reasoned with you about how I couldn't do this.

Thank you Lord for this gift. Thank you for this girl. Thank you for the smiles, giggles, and messy chocolate syrup mouth. Thank you that you allowed us to come for her and that she is home with her family. Thank you that she is no longer neglected and that she is thriving because we can nurture her.