You know if there is one thing having a toddler again has shown me it is...my plans may not ever be my reality. The plans I have are sensible, practical, desirable (to me), but if Jill isn't down with them-they just don't happen. This is hard for me-I'll admit it. I can be selfish and when I want something to be a certain way I struggle when it doesn't happen.
This is one of my biggest hang ups with not being in church for worship. Every Sunday, I plan on going. I plan on being a part of the corporate worship experience. I plan on wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, putting Jill in a darling dress, and being spiritually "fed". We have been home for three months now and well our little miss just doesn't always like my plans for Sunday morning. She tends to be very uncomfortable in the church building, doesn't like all the people, doesn't like to not be able to move freely when ever and where ever she wants to AND so because of this my times in worship have been very limited.
I step out of the house each Sunday morning ready, but despite my best efforts I generally have to leave worship most Sunday mornings with an overstimulated, screaming baby girl. Sometimes I'm annoyed by this. Sometimes, I just want to be in worship. After all that is my plan. It seems like a good plan. Seems like God would want me in worship. My plans should be honored.
Here is where the selfish comes in. It happened two weeks ago. Jill was on the verge of a meltdown in the quiet room off the sanctuary so I got out of there quick. I wasn't happy about having to return home without participating in worship, but I did it. Jill settled down quickly when she got home and was playing happily in her bedroom. Still unhappy about leaving worship, I picked up my Bible there in Jill's room and opened to Matthew.
I started reading in chapter one-the genealogy of Jesus. I saw the names of the women in the genealogy circled in red pen. I remembered the motion of that red pen circling those names in my Bible during one of my quiet times not so long ago. Those red circles and the names of those women had led me to study each of them in scripture. Back then, I wanted to know them, know their stories, and try to understand why they had been included among so many men in Jesus's line. So on this day as Jill played, I went back and read each of their stories again.
Hmmm..I bet these circumstances-the ones that led each of these women to be a part of Jesus's line-where not in their plans. I bet Rahab-a former prostitute-never planned to cross paths with God's people, pick up her household, and hit the road with them. I bet Bathsheeba never planned to become pregnant with the King's baby while married to another man. I bet Tamar didn't plan to walk her circumstances either. She was left without a husband and seducing her father-in-law. Likewise, Ruth probably didn't plan to be a young widow, move to a foreign land, and care for her mother-in-law. I'm sure at thirteen, Mary never planned to carry the son of God in her womb. I am sure that these circumstances led them to abandon plans of their own so that God's plans could be fulfilled through them...Yet never once did it say they resisted this change of plans-these divine appointments that led them to Jesus's line..
It challenged me to be more willing to let go of my plans. It challenged me to take hold of my circumstances where ever they lead me and find God there. God was there that Sunday morning in Jill's bedroom. I didn't need to go to worship, wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, to be spiritually fed. He was there all along even if I couldn't be in worship. I just had to seek Him. He was waiting for me right there on the pages of scriptures. Waiting to tell me that my plans are not always His. I need to learn this..Embracing that a little more these days and praying to see God more clearly when my plans change because I have the privilege of being this little one's momma.
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