To My Girl..

Dear Jillian,
I just wanted to tell you that as you lay on my chest sleeping last night I was overcome with love for you as I often am. I can't believe that God has chosen me to be your momma and I count it a joy to be able to take care of you everyday. I listened to your breathing as you lay on me in the dark and I felt your heart beating in rhythm and joy just over took my spirit in a way I can't explain. With all of the challenges that life has handed you so far, you are so full of happiness and are responding so well to being a part of our family. I am grateful to God that He gave you to us and that I get to spend the rest of your life walking alongside you as your momma. You have changed me in so many ways and continue to challenge me to reconsider what is most important. You are a feisty little spirit and I love watching you fighting out of the world that you seem so trapped inside of. Each moment that I get to gaze into your eyes or hold you close is such a treasured gift. One day it is my prayer that you will grow to understand and feel just how special you are and how very loved by us you are. Ultimately, I pray each night that this love will lead you to the love of the Heavenly Father and that one day we would all be together for eternity praising the one who made us and gave us the gift of each other.

I love you with all that I am,
Momma

It Happened Today

There I was at the library. It's a seemingly safe place, or so I thought, until the over anxious four year old girl visiting the library with her preschool class sat down beside us. She chit chatted for a moment offering way too much personal information about herself. Looking at Jillian and then at me she asked..Did she grow in your tummy? I expected it to come from time to time. I know that a Chinese baby with an American momma is a rarity in my parts and so I knew it would come up...AND here it was. How do you answer that? I simply said no she did not grow in my tummy. Jillian has two momma's and she grew in her birth momma's tummy. I said that I had adopted her and asked her if she knew what that meant. She replied no and so in four year old language, I laid out the process. She then gave me her address, telephone number, and social security number (just kidding) before her preschool teacher started rounding up the children to return them to the center. Really though, I wasn't ready to answer this question. I wasn't sure what to say or how much to say. Luckily, my precious Chinese babe is oblivious at this point to my language and explanation. Although today's meeting..it has me thinking about the days ahead. What do I say when Jillian is there and can understand? How much do I offer and whose story is it to tell? I really don't know the answers to any of these questions and it seems I have time to figure them out because Jillian isn't much cracked up on conversation at this point. Still, maybe I should avoid the library for a while so I don't have to talk to anymore four year olds. :)

We Tried

We tried to eat lunch out today. We have a gift certificate for a local restaurant and so we decided to give it a try.

We had a plan..Arrive early, bring her comfort aides, sit in the back away from the commotion..

She did so much better in a new place than she would have done eight months ago, but she was really uncomfortable. She was able to stay about 20 minutes and eat a little bit of the food that I brought for her from home. She just kept looking up at the ceiling and shaking her little head no, but she made it about 2o minutes. The best part about it all was she never did have a meltdown. When she was too uncomfortable to stay, she simply got off her chair, took momma's hand, and led me down the hall to the door. She communicated calmly that she needed to get out of there. I did have to walk her back to the table to get her coat and she cried and started to panic a bit, but when she understood that momma knew what she needed and we were on our way out..she stopped crying. In fact by the time we reached home, she was "chatting" about the experience from her car seat as I drove. Daddy and I were trying to analyze just what could have made her uncomfortable. We will probably never know, but we have a large gift certificate for this restaurant so..we are going to keep practicing.

Really, she is just so amazing and watching her taking on the world is just a joy. Being able to take care of her and having her trust me is such a tremendous privilege. It is one that puts me right at the center of God's will for my life. Daily I feel God asking me..are you willing to lay down your life for hers? Daily...I say resoundingly YES!! What a special gift she is to us!

Look..

Look who moved the chair from the dining room table so she could get to her food cabinet..

Great problem solving if you ask me.

She is constantly checking that cabinet making sure she has food in there. Momma constantly tells her that she will always have food here when she is hungry. She's just checking and using the chair to do it. What a smart little peanut she is and strong. That is one heavy wooden chair but she pushes it right in the kitchen scooting it over the carpet a few steps at a time. She keeps us on our toes that is for sure. Always in to something this girl is.. We love it.

Together

One of my favorite things about Christmas is the long break without school everyday. I love having my big girl home with us. We took our little peanut swimming the last day of break and man did she love having her sissy in the pool with her..

This is probably the longest she was still the entire 90 minutes. :)

Jillian loves her some water.

She runs the perimeter of that pool the entire time we are there.

Taking her swimming is the best $3 I spend all week.


So much joy for one little life I tell ya.
One blessed momma.

The Diagnosis

We saw the doctor this morning. He was wonderful, thorough, kind and he took a comprehensive look at our girl and her skills. He decided that an autism diagnosis was appropriate. I'm not going to lie..I cried right there. Cried because I love her so much and I just don't want things to be hard for her. She has had such a burden to carry already in her short little life and honestly if I could just keep her home, safe, and protected forever..I would.

The good news is that she is going to get lots of amazing help. So many programs that are cutting edge, research based, and incredible are available to us right here in our area. God knew that. God knew that here she would get exactly what she needed in our family. Resting in knowing that He is control and that He has a huge plan for this little lady's life. A plan that will bring great glory to His name. Trusting that. Leaning on that.

She Can Do It

Not knowing what to expect when I brought home this little beauty-who couldn't yet walk, eat, or handle being off the bed in our hotel room without a major meltdown-makes how she is changing even more special.

REMEMBER....
She didn't smile, didn't make any noises, and never even attempted to communicate with us. She didn't touch toys, never looked in our eyes, and was covered in bed sores. She didn't want to be touched, turned away when we tried to hug her, and leaned away when I carried her. It was too much for her to take a bath, go on a walk, or be in any environment she was unfamiliar with...When I think about this, I am blown away by the enormity of it all...There have been days on this journey that I thought these milestones that I am about to report might never come. There have been moments that I thought this little treasure's heart would never heal..and while we have such a long way to go...She has come so far.

I use the word miracle so often as I write and talk about her. I hope I haven't overused it so much that you are now numb to the meaning of the word...OUR GIRL IS A MIRACLE!! Truly, I never dreamed that we would be witness to such! God has invited us on this journey as we watch her past, the hard things she has experienced, the loss, heartache..all be redeemed slowly by Him..I am blown away by the beauty of it all. I have never in my short life been able to be a part of something that has connected me so closely with the Lord. I have never had to rely on Him so helplessly as I have journeyed through anything else. What a privilege being a momma to this babe is..a privilege and a miracle..

I just wanted to share with you some of the things that she has mastered in the last month. She is so much less fearful and so much more trusting. I am able to correct her, stretch her, encourage her only as a momma can and she is responding..learning so much..growing into such a wonderful daughter. Learning that this place is safe, forever, and that she belongs in it.

So here goes..

1. She can roll a ball back and forth five or six times with me.
2. She can climb up anything that doesn't move.
3. She will "drink" from a spoon.
4. She sits in my lap during every family meal time.
5. She enjoys listening to the praise music in the sanctuary. She can sit for nearly an hour on my lap listening and clapping.
6. She snuggles up next to me each morning when she wakes often laying in my arms for 30 minutes in a tight hug.
7. She can clap and does it all the time. It was so funny when she discovered she could do it.
8. She can operate her light toys herself by pushing the button that makes them go!
9. She can stand on the stool in the bathroom and "wash" her hands with my help.
10. She can follow simple one step directions like sit down or put it in.
11. She is constantly seeking our attention. She always want in on the action.
12. She is very comfortable with all the people that come in our home and she immediatly interacts with them making her wants known. Usually she wants their water bottle or for them to swing or wrestle her.
13. She is comfortable in crowds as long as she is safe in her momma's arms. She will even get down to walk in a crowd as long as she is holding my hand and is in a familar environment.
14. She loves her daddy and always runs and screams with joy when he comes home.
15. She can wait a few minutes without getting upset.
16. She will hold a crayon in her hand and let momma move it to scribble.
17. She will come if you call her name.
18. She is eating lots of chunkier food and can gum it with the best of them.
19. She has gained a whopping ten pounds in eight months.
20. AND THE BEST NEWS YET...Momma has been working on getting her to feed herself. I have broken it down into small steps allowing her to master each one. Steps like..get comfortable with picking up the spoon, putting the spoon in the bowl, bringing the spoon to her mouth AND I am so thrilled to report that my baby girl is using a spoon to feed herself. Considering she had no clue how to eat, chew, swallow, or even allow a spoon in her mouth just seven months ago..JOY that she is conquering this! Watch her do it!





Please pray for us. There are big changes in the months ahead. She is turning three in just two months. Turning three means new therapists, programs, and environments..as we head into the public school for the first time. If I could choose, I wouldn't want her in public school..I must admit. This makes my swallowing it even harder, but I am praying for wisdom as I charter this unknown territory. We also have an important medical appointment tomorrow with a developmental pediatrician. We are hoping this can shed a bit more light on our girl and what we can do to help her.

Busy, Busy

These days my little girl is busy..busy..busy. It is so normal and so good to have her running at full force and grabbing hold of life with both hands. She seems so secure..so much more attached..so incredibly connected..that it just continues to amaze me. She has come so far. There has been so much progress made in the last month. I have so much to update and so many pictures to load, but she is keeping me so busy that finding the time has been hard..

I have just had the most beautiful day with her and so I am sharing these pictures even though I have many older ones I should share first... I can't help myself. She is just too cute.

Woo Hoo!! That garland is gone and I can climb again!

She's clapping up a storm.


I came around the corner to find her
modeling sissy's size 11 converse.

She got a new sensory bin for Christmas and loves going to town in the beans.

Joy..true joy!

I wonder if she ever felt safe before she came home. I wonder if she ever laughed or smiled. I wonder if she ever felt truly loved the way she seems to feel now. I wonder so much..but as I wonder I just give thanks with an overflowing heart that she is mine and now she is doing all of that and more! God is so good and I am so lucky to have this treasure home.

Just a Swinging..

Look who loves her new swing that Daddy mounted in the door frame. It is the same kind of platform swing she loves to use in her therapy sessions at Easter Seals and having one at the house has been wonderful!! Just look at that smile...

Being able to devote thirty minutes each morning to swinging her is such a blessing and something that this momma doesn't ever take forgranted. Thanking Jesus that I am able to be home so that I don't miss these faces and her joy!

Speechless

The joy of these beautiful days has left me speechless. Truly speechless..
Being a mother is by far the greatest gift that God has ever given me and my girls are such a huge blessing. Love seeing them together this year and experiencing Christmas together. God is so good and I am blessed to know Him!

Sadness

I have been exceedingly happy in the last few weeks. I love, love, love to have my house filled with many (which happened much last week) people. I love the lights, the decoration, the cookie making, the music, the ultimate gift of a Savior that we celebrate this season. Having our Jillian home to experience it all with us has just provided this momma with a happiness so big that I find it hard to describe.

Happiness has been so present in the last weeks...still there is a sadness that is ever present in my heart because this Christmas millions of children don't know this happiness. Millions of children still sit and wait for a family. It literally shatters my heart in a million pieces to think of. Children as valuable and precious as my girl..without a daddy's arms to hold them and without a momma's touch to tuck them in. Children without hope of ever having a family to call their own.

I am broken for these children. Broken and begging God to allow me to do more this year. God chose Jillian for us. He meant her to be ours out of the millions of children waiting..she belongs with us. Could you have a child God set apart for you? Could there be something you could do to welcome a boy or girl in His name?

I can't even begin to tell you the blessings God has bestowed upon us this year because of this little girl resting at my feet as I type. Giggling and batting her hands inside the large, green bowl she drug out of the kitchen cabinet. It all seems so surreal that she is here and she is ours..but this Christmas this is our miracle. It is our girl being home and growing so much, learning so much, and living joyfully with hope each and everyday..because God showed her to us and called us to be her family..What could God be showing you this Christmas? Is your miracle waiting there..just waiting for you to say yes?

Doing the Dishes?

One of my favorite things to do when Emily was little was to have her in the kitchen with me. I let her "help" with everything and Jillian is no different. In the last week, this special girl has spent so much time with me in there including doing the dishes..

Water? Is this for real?

Hanging out here in this water is awesome fun!
This brush feels so funny.

It's stuck! Hmmm..

Whoa there it goes! Wheee!!

Happy! So happy! All three of us were in the kitchen surrounding her as she played. We are so happy to have her here. So happy to surround her every momment and just marvel at all the wonder in her eyes. I am so blessed to have this family. We are truly happy and I can't imagine life without this treasure in it. So funny it seems like she has been here forever.

The Answer to the Question

Since saying that we are very open to adopting again, so many people have asked me if I think I can care for another little one. The answer to that question is always on my heart..always. The words however are not always there to explain. The truth is I know it will be hard and I don't always know for sure that I will be able to do it. Last night, I lay in bed with a million thoughts mulling in my mind and the answer from my heart's perspective swirling there so clearly that I got up and prayed.

Prayed about the answer.

Prayed about my response to God's calling.

Prayed that I would hear His voice clearly and be able to answer to Him in a manner worthy of the one who made me.

So here is what is on my heart. It is mostly for me to read again and again and again when I am discouraged or unsure..but I am sharing it here in case God might speak to you through it...Here goes..

There are 147 million orphans around the world that go to bed at night without a momma to tuck them in, without a daddy to turn out the light, without sisters to snuggle next to. I have seen the orphan with my own eyes..malnourished, neglected, bed sore ridden, infected, dirty. AND I love the orphan because she is my daughter. I cannot stand before the Lord one day and pretend that I didn't see them. I can't stand before Him who made me and make excuses about why I saw them and didn't do more. I can't say to Him..it would have been too hard or stressful. I can't say to Him..it was just too much to care for the first one you gave me. I can't because I want to give Jesus all that I am. I want to be about making much of Him not about choosing what is easiest or even seemingly best for me.

He says in the word in Isaiah that we are to defend the cause of the fatherless and in James that pure religion is to visit the orphan and widow in their distress. My part of this is to adopt. Adoption is not every one's calling, but everyone is called to do something. Adoption just happens to be the way I feel God is calling me to fulfill these commands. It seems crazy. It seems unwise, but God willing I am waiting for Him to bring me more to care for in His name because I want these children, who are precious in His sight, to know the love of a family so that ultimately they can have a chance to know the love of their Heavenly Father, accept the gift of His Son, and spend an eternity in Heaven with Him.

I count it a privilege to be able to mother my little one and though at times it has been very hard..I have JOY! Joy because this is exactly where God has called me to be. So I continue to walk by faith and wait for His hand showing me the way to go. Maybe He will shut every door to adding children to our family right now or maybe He will ask us to do something even crazier that we never dreamed or imagined. I am open. Open to what He wants even if it seems a little crazier because I love Him and this love is just too wonderful not to share with more.

The Toughest Task Yet

Yesterday, I faced the toughest task of this adoption journey yet. That was getting my almost teenager to agree to wear elf pajamas that match her two year old sister for Christmas pictures. BUT OH BE STILL MY HEART..these two are so darn adorable together in their matching pjs.

Secretly sissy loved having pics with Jill in these pjs. Though she is protesting it this very moment and doesn't want this picture posted..Growing up is hard to do.

Isn't this the chubbiest elf you've ever seen?

Hard to believe she was significantly underweight just seven months ago.
A precious gift is our girl.

Who can stand that smile?

Such a sweet, sweet face.

We love this baby so very much!

I wonder what it is like for her to constantly have three white people following her around, taking pictures of her, and making a big fuss over her. Does she wonder what in the world is so special? She is so special and we are so blessed this holiday season to have her home and in our arms.

Mommy's Little Helper

Here she is helping me in the kitchen. Truth be told..she loves to watch the stand mixer go round and round. She will stand on the chair at the counter and watch me use all the utensils while smiling as she watches that mixer. She's even wearing the little apron that used to be Emily's that matches mine. Every little girl needs an apron that matches her momma's. Right?

So so cute...this little peanut is a huge blessing.

She even rolled the peanut butter ball mixture in her hand for a while. I absolutely love having a little one in the kitchen with me again. I know that these moments will be gone all too soon. So this time around..I am embracing every mess, every extra minute, every smile, all the wonder..and I LOVE IT!!! Hope you are taking the time to enjoy these moments in your house this season. Peanut butter balls don't last long at my house so we'll be whipping up another batch here soon.

I Wondered About Her

Sitting with this little bundle in my lap as Christmas music filled the air in our sanctuary, I shed a tear as I wondered this Christmas..

Does the woman, a half a world away who gave you life, think of you everyday?

Does she mourn the daughter that she will never know?

Does she imagine your laugh or your smile?

Did she ever dream that you would be mine, living in America?

Did she know that when she made the ultimate sacrifice and surrendered you, that she was giving me the greatest gift of my life?

I wonder about her and at times it makes me cry. I can't imagine my life without Jillian and I can't imagine the circumstances the she must have faced that caused her to make the ultimate, loving sacrifice and give up her child. I pray for her all the time..Jillian's birth mother. I pray that she has peace. I pray that her heart knows the Lord and that one day in heaven I will meet her and thank her for giving me this precious, priceless gift.

Her First Party

She went to her first party. OH YES SHE DID!! The church staff Christmas party was tonight and she was there. She ate a little, played with a new toy there, and (despite her face in this picture) enjoyed herself. I never dreamed. I never imagined..so much success this week. So many typical things that we have been able to enjoy together. It's a wonderful feeling. I even got to eat some of the yummy food myself. She is miracle..a real miracle. Daddy commented about how she just needs to be able to get into a new place and eat. Then she can be comfortable. It's so true. Eating is a predictable routine. It is an activity that she is familiar with and one in which she knows exactly what to expect. While she is eating, she has time to get used to her new surroundings and after she is done..she can enjoy the new place a bit more. She pretty much hung out in the kitchen, but people came in and out sitting by her a spell and visiting and she did fine. Just fine! It is so good!

What a Day..

Her first snow.

Praying that we never loose the magic that comes with all of our baby's firsts. I hope that we never take for granted the fact that each moment, each experience is a precious gift from God.

(She loved the snow, but transitioning to a heavier coat is not so easy. She was really unhappy to not be wearing the flower jacket this morning, but it is so chilly that the spring jacket has got to go. I hope she gets used to the new one soon. She wouldn't even play in the nursery next door at church this morning because she was still distressed about having to wear that coat to get there. She just walked to the door and motioned to go home. :( Daddy says to just keep the light coat on her, but this momma thinks it is too cold for that. We'll see how it goes.)

Numbers..I Hate Them

I am processing a lot this past week. So much is swirling in my head and mulling in my heart. I have started a post several times and then deleted it. Typed, then retyped some more only to stare at a blank page again. God is doing so much. Speaking so clearly and at times it leaves me spinning.

Monday started with therapy last week and numbers. Which leads me to this..I hate numbers..Assessment numbers that is-hate them...Age equivalent scores are down right evil if you ask me. These numbers for my baby girl are still so very low and all those blasted numbers do are turn my eyes from the Lord and leave me asking questions. Will I ever hear her sweet voice say "I love you momma"? Will she ever be able to dress herself? Will she read? Will she have to attend public school? Will she... all things that I have struggled with all week. Struggling not because I am not willing to embrace the answer to each of these questions being not what I hoped, but struggling because it is all so unknown. Struggling because in my mind, I want to have a plan for the future. I want to be in control. One thing the Lord continues to teach me is that I may not see my dreams for her this side of eternity. One more thing is for sure, He is in control and I am not. He continues to teach me that He is the ultimate reality maker. His reality for my baby girl may not match this momma's dreams for her, but His plan is that her life, and our part in it, bring Glory to His name. Ultimately, that is what I want to live for-to bring glory to Him who made me and my baby girl. If she never speaks..God is still good. If she never reads..God is still good. If she never gets to attend the special, christian school we love so much..God is still good. I will still love Him. I will still serve Him and I will still obey Him walking by faith into this unknown future that I can't see. A future that is filled with joy and abundant love because He has allowed our Jillian to be in it with us.

I Watched You Sleeping..

Dearest Baby Girl,
Today I watched you sleep. I listened to you take each breath. I watched you suck your thumb intently all curled up in a ball..your bare toes peeking out from underneath your tucked in legs.
I watched you and love overflowed from my heart. I watched you and I wished that every child could have a mother to watch them sleep. I wished that we didn't have to leave any behind. I wished that no children would have to live another minute as an orphan living in an institution. I wished every child could have a mommy and daddy who could spend the chilly morning at the park with them just like you had this morning. My heart breaks over it so often..the ones left behind. I cry out to God for them and wish it could be different. My child loving you has changed me. Loving you has given me such a deeper perspective of what matters. Loving you has left my heart raw in ways that I never imagined. I am grateful to you. Grateful for the way that you continue to open my eyes to the ways of the Lord and His call to care for the fatherless. At 27 pounds, you have so much power over my heart. I love you deeply and am beyond blessed to have you sleeping upstairs. Beyond blessed that God opened my eyes and my heart to you and that you are my daughter.