How's it going (with respect to the adoption)?
I get asked that all the time. I am so thankful for so many who care so much about us.
I usually reply that this-bringing Jillian home-is the hardest thing that I have ever done BUT it is also by far the most wonderful.
There are times, many times, that have been very hard. Times when I am so weak and so weary that I feel I literally can't go on one more moment. While these moments have been hard, HARD, these are the moments that have led me to my Savior and have also led me to love this little one even more intensely.
This weekend, we had a party to attend on Saturday night. We haven't all been able to attend anything together as a family outside our home since bringing our treasure home six months ago, but I thought I would give it a try. While Jillian is getting more comfortable in some places, she is still just not able to participate in most activities. The party was no exception. I was talking with her about going out to the party and that we were going to J's house and she could play with her. I was telling her that momma would bring things for her to eat , that we would have a good time, that there was nothing to be afraid of, and that momma would be with her the whole time. She is not yet able to communicate as she is still nonverbal, but I tell you this momma knows that she understands my spoken words perfectly. She immediately expressed anxiety about the party as soon as I mentioned it early in the day. Every time I talked with her about it, she would tense up and shake her little head. Oh, my sweet baby. She is so locked inside herself unable to tell momma how she is feeling and what she is thinking, but I know that she understands so much.
Then it came time for the party. She was excited about getting her shoes on and going bye bye. Daddy got her ready and headed out to the car with her. Suddenly, intense fear overtook her and she couldn't stop crying. It wasn't a meltdown exactly because she was able to calm down pretty quickly back inside the house and I felt like she was in control of her emotions somewhat as she cried BUT my oh my I wish I could know what she was thinking. She did seem as if she really wanted to go. Like she really wanted to give it a try..she just couldn't let herself.
I see this about my sweet one all the time. She sits just outside the ball pit afraid to take the plunge. She is so struck by fear and anxiety so often that it paralyzes her. I was mourning this last night. I was praying for God to remove these feelings from her little heart. Then it was as if God showed me that she was perfectly happy who she was staying safely in her world. He seemed to say that while I know what she is missing..she doesn't and for now that is ok. So it was another blessed night alone with my special girl while daddy and sissy were out. I have to tell you though..what a blessed gift. She has taught me the value in taking it slow and staying home. The value in spending time just being together. The value in looking deeply into the eyes of the ones you love and sitting. How I love her. How I cherish all the time that I have to spend with her. Sometimes I am in a frenzy trying to make her ready to do more..to be in the world more..to experience more BUT last night God reminded me that He just wants me to cherish her the way she is now. Rock her a little more, hold her close a little longer, help her into her pjs..these moments will be gone all too soon and she won't be so willing to just be with me.
I praise God for the gift of my children and I am thankful for all that He does to use them to mold me into who I need to be. What a precious gift they are to me!