I applied for Jill's social security number this week. As I was filling out the papers, it asked for her birthplace for which I had to write unknown. Unknown. It hit me hard. Hit me that some day I am going to have to try my best to explain to her the little I know about her first years of life. I am going to have to find the right words to help her understand. I am going to have to spend a lifetime praying that she finds some way to come to peace with where she has been and merge her past with her present. Way too overwhelming now. Way too much to think about, but there are times that her unknowns weigh heavily on my mind and are too much to ignore. I hurt so much for her when I think of it. I hurt, with a deep pain that only a mother can feel for her baby, when I think of all that I have missed. When I consider all the times she has needed me and I couldn't be there.
But then I consider now, I consider all of the times that I will be there for her and all that means to me. Yesterday alone, I probably gave her hundreds of kisses. I smother her with those things. I love her so much that I think there are days that my heart will literally burst looking at her. I have always loved her like she was mine from the moment she was placed in my arms. The best thing is she is feeling like she is mine too. When she leans in with her little toddler mouth full of a wet kiss to plant one on me-words can not describe what is in my heart. I know this love won't erase her past, but I am praying that it will be the bridge that merges her past and present together beautifully. So thankful to be her mom today and everyday.
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