It was a beautiful day to be at the park yesterday with our Families of Ch*nese Children group. We met for a picnic and fellowship. There was a new family that joined us. They just moved to the area and they are a large family. There were five little chairs gathered in this momma and daddy's area. Four of those little chairs belonged to four gorgeous, ch*nese special needs babes. Their eight year old has very significant special needs and she stole this momma's heart. She was non-verbal and the size of a three year old because of her condition, but she had a smile that lit up the corner of the world she was sitting in. She sat with me in the grass for about ten minutes and played with the pinwheel I brought for Jillian. She sat next to me while Jillian was in my lap reading a book with that smile beaming the entire time. She started to babble my way flashing that smile and looking me in the eyes. She was one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. She was the least of the least and OH MY HEART I LOVED HER!
I lay in bed last night weeping and bearing my heart to the Lord after meeting this family. I was pleading with Him to bring me more children. I was asking Him to show me the least of the least and to give me the courage to love them and to bring them home. I was praising Him for the beauty of this adoption journey and for how He has opened my heart to these children. I was smiling thinking of all the JOY that we have experienced because we said yes to bringing our Jillian home. I was also remembering the moments that were so hard. The moments when it felt like we were literally fighting for our Jillian's heart and how hard we have worked to earn a place there. I was remembering the first time I felt that she loved me, the first time she really laughed, and I was overcome with so much emotion.
I actually started to laugh-right there laying next to Jillian as I was trying to get her to sleep. I was laughing because I was thinking..What have you done to me? This is NOT. AT. All. who I thought I wanted to be. I did not want a large family. I did not want to loose so much control over my life. I certainly did not want children with special needs. I wanted my version of the American dream..one child, a large house, a principal husband, a nice classroom, above average blond haired children with blue eyes. How did this happen? What have you done to me LORD? I was honestly chuckling while I was thinking this..aloud while Jillian slept next to me I was giggling my head off. I was giggling because God has a way of chipping away all that you thought you ever wanted. He has a way of ridding you of all that doesn't line up with Him so that He can fill you with His will. My dreams..my idea of who I was and what I wanted to be just doesn't pail in comparison to this life the Lord has set before me. I couldn't have dreamed this...it is simply too good.
I am so thankful that despite my small dreams and my self centered hopes for my life, God saw past it all and continues to refine my heart and fill it with His desires. I have such a long way to go, but He is working in me in ways I never dreamed. I praise Him today for that. I praise Him for this new heart He has given me for the orphan and wait in anticipation as He carries out His will for my life.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 36:26-27
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