Deuteronomy 4:35

You have been shown these things that you might know the Lord is God besides him there is no other.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

At the End of Myself

For two nights now, my peanut hasn't slept.  She had been up every hour, or maybe two if I am lucky, soaked with sweat, screaming, and tormented.  She kicks me away, screams, and rages like the first weeks home.  I had an early morning trip on Saturday, and while I tried to prepare her for my not being there when she woke up, I am guessing my absence is what triggered this sleep issue.  She is telling me that she is afraid I am going to be gone when she wakes, and I am grateful for this glimpse into her heart, but I am tired and selfish.  I want desperately to love her well.  I want to be Jesus to her, but my flesh is getting in the way big time today.  I am praying that God would give me His love for her and that I would look past her tantrums, controlling, and disobedience so that I might fully embrace her heart which I hope is being led to healing through Him.  These two days have been hard because all that I long to do and be for my sweet girl is dashed by my own need for me.  I want to sleep.  I want to be obeyed.  I want the tantrums to stop...I want.. Truthfully speaking, it is times like this that I think the Lord must be crazy to entrust another beautiful treasure to me, because my own inadequacy is blatantly apparent as I walk through this.  Then, as I was thinking through all of this on the way home from dropping my darling kindergartner off at school, my sleep deprived little one who has been so tormented by these emotions begins to sing at the top of her voice.  I LOVE YOUR WORD!  GOD!  WE LOVE YOUR WORD!!!  And it rocks me to the core because this job, this baby's healing, this life, is so much bigger than sleepless nights or nightmares.  Oh that my voice would be willing to cry out...I LOVE YOUR WORD GOD!..when the hard days come.  Another beautiful lesson delivered to me through a helpless, hurting, little soul who I am meant to teach.  My babies have, and continue to, teach me so much more than I could teach them.

I am grateful today though for sleep as my dear girl actually slept last night since I am just updating this post today.  Please cover her in prayer as this momma being gone for 14 days to pick up her little sister is sure to rock her heart.  Praying and Trusting!


  1. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for being transparent and honest. I know that I have felt this way about my own kids and sometimes it is hard to admit we have these feelings that we feel. It never ever means we don't love them, though. We are human and we get tired and worn down. But those amazing moments when you see the fruit of all this labor - totally awesome!!! My husband is a musician and he asked one of our daughters if she liked the song they would be recording. Her response was, "I think it will sound good as long as you don't forget to worship while you're recording." Out of the mouths of babes!!!

  2. Praying for you, friend! We just finished transitioning Ethan into his own bed, and I had lots of those nights. They are so hard. Glad you got a bit of rest. LOVE YOU!