Jillian's Swingset

Daddy built Jillian's swing set in the backyard today! Oh I hope I remember the first time she saw it for the rest of my days. I hope I never forget the sweet sound of her voice calling out with glee! I hope I remember those chunky,little legs dragging me swiftly to the swing and that face! Oh that sweet face as I told her that Daddy built that swing set for her and that it was hers was priceless. I have been thinking all day that this little one shouldn't even have a swing set. Satan would love nothing more than for this little treasure to still be sitting alone fatherless, but GOD! God had plans for this baby girl that trumped all Satan hoped for and she is so overjoyed by this wonderful gift from her grandma! HAPPY! She went right up to it and climbed on without any hesitation!

Watch the movie clips of her playing on this sweet set at the top! She is so cute calling out with her little voice..I could just eat her up!

PS Momma's setting up her new sandbox from her Grandma tomorrow so stay tuned for more firsts and plenty of pictures!!

Weary

We've had some down swings in the last six weeks and at times y'all I am weary. Weary at the thought of battling meltdowns every time we get in the car. Weary of working through meltdowns every time we enter the store again. Weary of fighting through meltdowns for thirty minutes during therapy. I got to be honest and say I've been up nights some lately. I keep wondering how I can do this. How will I carry her thrashing meltdown self and force her into the car when she gets bigger? How long will I patiently be able to sing her through thirty minutes of sensory overload screaming in rebellion at therapy? How long can I keep it up?

As I think about all of this it's God who answers loud and clear..

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

The truth is..I haven't been coming to Him enough. I haven't being filling up on His word and I have let my eyes fall from who He is in me. I need to constantly remind myself that I am not called to do any of this alone. I am only called to come to Him and surrender my life. Reminding myself of that today and filling myself up on His Word because it sustains me in the darkest of times. Praising God that He has allowed me to know Him today. Praising Him that He continues to draw me closer to Him through this journey and that somehow He feels I am worthy of mothering such a special treasure.

JOY

For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy. Psalms 92:4

What a marvelous work of the Lord is this precious treasure with her face scrunched in the sun.

A beautiful work of the Lord is this little one walking hand and hand with her daddy

and resting safely in his arms.

A miraculous work is this family created by God. It is so good it makes me glad.

How wonderful to see this little work of God playing so carefreely..

Climbing..

Sliding...

Taking on the GIANT slide!

Resting in knowing that she is a marvelous work of the Lord indeed!

I will sing His praises all my days that He made her to be my daughter.

Nothing makes this momma happier than a beautiful morning at the park with her family.

Can you tell?

Truly Blessed.

The Giant Slide, Suspension Bridge, and Ladders..OH MY!

We have enjoyed this beautiful, summer like weather so much the last couple of weeks!

We have spent so much time outside. We have been going to the park everyday and on Wednesday my treasure finally went for it on the playground. She climbed up the ladders and explored the large, high play areas and even went down the giant, steep slide. She ran all around the maze of a playground that we have suspended high above the wood chips and didn't even let the suspension bridge slow her down. She has been really anxious again about going out in the last few weeks so on Wednesday I was thrilled that she conquered so much!

She has loved exploring the backyard again too..

She loves picking up sticks and digging with them.

Looking up at and feeling the bark on her favorite tree is a nightly activity for us now.

And she was especially excited about the reappearance of her water table and toys in the backyard. We have been living outside.

She is one happy girl.

Truly this weather is too good to last, but we are enjoying ever minute! Hope you are too!

One Of Those Days

Today is one of those days that I just can't help but think..(Is this really my life?)...

The sound of the birds are drifting through the open windows upstairs and my sweet treasure sleeps peacefully on her bed while I read my book rocking next to her..

AND

JOY resides in my heart!

I am able to be home doing laundry, playing with my girl, and soaking in the beautiful sunshine.

God you are simply too good for words to describe today!

How I love you!

How I continue to be in awe that you have blessed me with this wonderful life.

A loving man, two amazing daughters, a saving knowledge of my Lord and Savior..

So sweet and so satisfying...

I have so much to do today.

Yet I simply must savor this moment.

I stand in Awe of you..your provision..your grace..your plan..SO blessed to call you MY God.

You have truly rescued me from the pit Lord and I will spend the rest of my days praising you.

Your Finding Day

Dear Jillian,
Today I can't stop thinking of her as I look at you. March 14th..today is your finding day. Your finding day means that today is the day that your birth mother made the ultimate sacrifice in hopes that you would be better cared for. I don't know the circumstances she must have faced. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings that she must have had holding you in her arms for the last time. She had five days with you and I know that those days must be treasured in her heart. I pray that somehow she knows that you are loved and taken care of. I pray that she has somehow been given peace in her heart and that when she thinks of you she smiles remembering you as the little one who slept in her arms and nursed at her breast. I can't begin to imagine the pain that must also reside in her heart everyday because of the absence of you. I am forever grateful that she lovingly decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and that her unselfish gift led you to me. I am broken that we may never know her, but I hope that she knows Jesus and that someday we will be together in eternity embracing and praising God who orchestrated this story just as it is..I love her though I don't know her because she is a huge part of you. And now because of the miracle of this journey, you -my treasure-are a huge part of me and for that I am forever grateful to her.

Look at Her Go..

One of the best things about being my baby's teacher and her momma is that nobody cheers her on as enthusiastically I as do. She has taken off this week. We just started "instruction" using this peg board in the video this week. In six days, she has mastered it. She can sort them out-all 15 of them- and put them on the correct peg every time without any help from me. It's incredible how fast she picked up on this skill. She is a little anxious in this video because I am using the camera. She usually claps for herself after every peg and makes everyone in the room praise her for her work. Next week, I will change up the sorting and see if she can generalize the skill to a new task.

See for yourself..



She has also mastered the two puzzles we have been working on. So, I wanted to see if she could generalize the skill of putting pieces in a puzzle that she has never seen before and get it right. If she could do it, it meant that she is likely matching the piece to the picture behind it in the opening. So, I used some of her birthday money to buy her this new blue puzzle. She has never seen it before I took this video. I gave it to her with all of the pieces out in front of the base and she did it! She instantly put the pieces over their matching pictures and into the correct spot. Just a short time ago, she had no clue what to do with a puzzle. She was more interested in looking at the back of the board or banging the pieces together..BUT now she is working them by herself.

Check her out..


She has endless potential my baby girl and momma is going to drag these skills out of her each day! I am so lucky to get to be home with her and teach her myself. I am not taking a minute of these accomplishments for granted.

Her Day..

Her first family birthday celebration..

turning three years old.

Time has gone by so fast since Gotcha Day ten months ago.

Look at that smile.

Seems like she could get used to having birthdays.

Look at those candles..

Ready, Set, Blow..

I think she was wondering..What is this thing?

She did amazingly well with the gifts. Grandma put them all in one bag and she reached in and grabbed them all out. She had lots of stuff in that giant bag and she wasn't a bit afraid of all her new stuff. This is such wonderful news as Christmas was rough for her because of all the new things around her. Today she seemed to enjoy Grandma and Uncle A's gifts to her.

Her favorite gift was a watering can. She is carrying that thing everywhere.

Another highlight of the day for her was playing on Uncle Anthony's walker. He's done with it after his foot surgery and it now resides in our living room as Jillian's personal jungle gym.

She is overjoyed about this and won't let anyone else near it. She's been waiting for Uncle A to finish with it and now finally it's all hers.
Look at this cool watering can!

I made her this little birthday outfit. I tried my hand at applique.

She really had an incredible day.

She is such a joy and we are so blessed to have her home this year.

Happy Birthday Dear Jillian.

You are one amazing little treasure.

Her First Birthday

I have a wide range of emotions today. I have cried already..happy tears as I watch my baby girl accomplishing so much as we are sorting pegs this morning. I have jumped for joy and sung to her as she was waking up with a chubby yawn and her thumb in her mouth. I have felt a sense of urgency as I mixed her cupcakes and got them in to bake. I have felt mystified at God's great plan and that I am preparing for this day at all.

Why is today so emotional? Today..Today is her birthday. Today is her first birthday though she is turning three. The first birthday that she matters. The first birthday she is home with a family who is crazy in love with her. Oh to be able to put into words all that is in my heart seems beyond my reach this morning. Just a short year ago this little one was a number among 147 million. An orphan. BUT today..today she is a birthday princess. A three year old who is treasured..who has a cake lovingly prepared by her momma waiting..who has a sister to sing her happy birthday..who has a daddy to video it all..who has grandparents to buy her gifts..and a place where she belongs. Beautiful that God has let this happen to us. Even more beautiful that I get to enjoy it.

From Snow to 70..In two days?

This was Sunday evening..

Snowing like December in March..

The big sis had a negative attitude about this photo shoot. Looks like she's enjoying herself though. She loves her sister..truly she does love her sister.

Where did this stuff come from?

This is Tuesday....
Sunny, windy, and warm.
Near 70 degrees.
Notice the spring jacket.
Jillian transitioned easily to a different coat today!
YEAH!!

She is noticing so much more. She is even motioning toward things like the geese and the water.

She would love to dive right in.

Look at her going down the slide by herself! By herself?

I never dreamed that after five months of coaxing..she would be doing it by herself.

She even sits at the top without any help and gets ready for me to watch her.

She looks so grown in her 3T coat. She wore only 12 mos just 10 months ago when we brought her home. AMAZING how she has grown. She loves the fresh air and the wind so much!

70 degrees was a wonderful surprise and a good reason to visit the park indeed! There is nothing better in this world than a morning at the park with my baby girl!

Great News

In less than a few days, my sweet treasure will turn three. Turning three means loosing lots of therapy services. Services that have supported us and helped her grow so much. Currently, she gets about 120 minutes of therapy a week and I am grateful. After next week, she will get about 30 minutes a week. School districts are about school not therapy and so switching from EI to school means lost services. I get that. Because of this, I have also continued to be extremely thankful for the fact that I have so much experience in this field. I do have some knowledge about what to do with her and how. I have logged my share fair of clinical hours treating lots of treasures with the same diagnosis and as a result I have designed home programing for her that is helping her grow. I love being my baby's number one ally. Still, the reduction of services is not something that I want to happen. Yet, it has seemed inevitable this week as I have filled out paperwork, made phone calls, and contacted anyone I could think of to try to find some supplements for her therapy services. Everywhere I turned the door was slammed in my face so to speak. Still, I have to admit..I haven't really been worried. I can't deny that God's hand is on this baby's life and I felt Him whisper to my heart several times this week..you are enough because you have ME! I continued to search for help and have gone down several roads, but have not felt desperate or panicked for one minute.

AND TODAY..today I got a call from Easter Seals that said they have agreed to keep seeing my baby girl. She is going to get to continue with the amazing therapists that she has had in EI for the last nine months. She is going to get to continue in the first place that has been so important to her progress. I am praising God for this turn of events and for the way He has never left this precious girl's side. He is in control of each and every one of her days. I can rest in knowing that. I can rest in knowing that each of her days, each moment of progress, all of it is written in His book already. WHEW! So glad that His plans for her include staying on at Easter Seals a while longer...I just know it is important for her and can't wait to see where the next nine months take us. Praising God today for this good news and for this precious little life He has given us.

I'd Choose You

My Sweet Girl,

If God lined up all the babies born on March 9, 2009 in China and told me that I could choose..I would choose you again and again and again. So blessed that you are mine. So blessed to have a front row seat as God breaks through all those walls in your heart and restores you little by little. I love being your momma. Though I don't deserve for one minute the gift of you..I accept it and treasure you praising God for His goodness each and every day! As I pray over you each night, I know that God has a plan for you that is beyond my wildest dreams and that your life sweet girl, and my part in it, is meant to bring much glory to Him who made us both and brought us together. I never grow tired of seeing that smile, hearing you laugh, or watching the sparkle that is now present in your eyes. Treasured. You are treasured.

Basketball Awards

Hard to believe my baby has finished her seventh grade basketball season. She is so grown. There are days, many days, that it breaks this momma's heart to see her so grown. I long to just sit a while and savor this time as I know she will be gone from us all too soon. What an amazing young woman she is growing into and one that this momma is so proud of.

She had a very successful season and was recognized at the sports banquet on Friday. She was the team's leading scorer and considering the kid couldn't even dribble the ball when she started playing at the ripe old age of three..she's come along way. Her daddy is so happy to coach her team and is so proud of her too!

Jillian even made it through the awards ceremony so I got to see the presentation. As soon as her daddy went to the podium she was alert and listening cause that was her daddy's voice up there. When he called Emily's name to come up for her award, Jillian shouted out and embarrassed Em. Jill knew that was her sister's name and that she was walking up front. It was her way of saying WAY TO GO SISSY! YOU ROCK!! You do rock as a bball player and big sis! Love you my big girl! Love you oh so much!

Waiting for a Word..

Saturday was the Connecting Hearts to the Forgotten Conference. This is an amazing, free event to encourage the believer to care for the orphan through fostering, advocating, and adopting. I set out for this conference with our second adoption in mind. I was heading there to get a word..a direction from God about where to go next and how.

As I drove, Satan was on the attack hard and heavy in my head. Making me doubt, bringing fear, and causing me to question whether or not we could really do this adoption thing again. I will admit..he was beginning to get to me despite all that I know about God and all that He has done for me so far. I was beginning to doubt myself. If we had no way to pay for an adoption a year ago..we really have no way to pay for an adoption now. How in the world will this ever happen? How will I be able to leave Jillian to travel to our new child? How can I go through the wait again? When will I have time to get a dossier together with a toddler home?

God must have been looking down with love thinking..you silly child of mine. Don't you remember? Don't you remember who I am? Don't you remember I am in control? I love the orphan and desire for your next daughter to be home in a family..your family. Don't you trust me to do it? It's not about you at all my dear one. (Insert my duh moment..here. I know this!! God has been faithful. Every. Single. Time. Every. Moment. Every. One. When will I stop clinging to the world and truly just remember? Fortunately, God is patient with me.)

Near the end of the conference..I was uplifted. I had listen to many amazing women (and a few men too) sharing their journeys, but still had not received the word or direction I was hoping for. The ministry fair was set up with many different agencies and was full of information about adoption programs that are in existence in lots of different countries... I searched and searched..prayed and prayed..even attended a session on fostering..No Word from God came about our next adoption.

Then near the end of the conference I was talking with a friend who asked if my heart was in China? Yes, my heart is definitely in China, but the mountains are stacked against us going there again. While we have ample funds to modestly meet the needs of raising another child, China's income minimum is absolutely beyond our reach now that I stay home. But isn't God able to move mountains? Can't He fulfill the desires of your heart somehow? Of Course, He can. So I have the name of an agency that goes to bat for waivers from China's "rules" for prospective couples and hope that just maybe God will see it fit to move the mountains that seem to be standing between us and another Chinese daughter. Praying..Hoping..that this is God's desire for our family as well as mine. I love the Chinese orphan. I love special needs adoption and I am willing to go again. We have room in our hearts and family for at least one more. Praying that the Lord will open all the doors and soon we will be on this crazy journey once again!

History and A New Beginning

I had a meeting with the school district this morning. My Jillian will turn three in just two weeks. (Just saying it makes me want to run scared as fast as I can in the opposite direction.) At three, she must be released from Early Intervention (EI) and be placed under the care of the special education department that is a part of my town's public school. I have a bit of a negative attitude about this transition..ok, I'll admit it...I have a big, bad attitude about this transition.

There are several reasons for this..

1. I have been a special education teacher in the public school for the past thirteen years of my life and quite frankly most of that time I felt like I was on a battleground. I was constantly fighting for the rights of my students when I felt they weren't being given what they needed or deserved. Most of the time, the battles were minor but frequently they were big. Many times it left me wounded and disappointed in a system that is supposed to be about doing right for kids. I don't mean to be mellow dramatic, but maybe I am. I just know from experience that this special education road can be bumpy and unpleasant. Having this much experience and knowing this much has tainted my "glasses" a bit and caused me to be sceptic where special education is concerned. I want better for my daughter. I want her to have the best..what she deserves..I worry that this might not be available to her because of the fact that she is going to be an IEP student. Personally, I don't want her education to be a fight, but I am passionate about her and am willing to fight if I must.

2. My dealings with Early Intervention officials so far have been less than positive most of the time. I haven't always felt that they understood my girl. I haven't always felt that they took into account the unique circumstances of her life. They didn't always make me feel like they valued who she is and where she has come from. Those who shuffled her paperwork always seemed to be about doing the least amount of work, spending the least amount of time for her, and challenging most of what I thought was best for her. This isn't to say that we didn't have amazing therapists..we have had, but the higher powers that be in EI have made things a bit more disappointing. At times, it made me doubt my decisions and second guess what I held to be true about what is best for my baby girl.

3. I am most comfortable with what I know. Emily goes to a small private school and in my heart of hearts this is where I would send all my kids in a perfect world. Perfect for me though not the best choice for everyone I know.

Taking all of this history into account, I head off to this meeting a bit apprehensive and very nervous about how it will go. My girl looks scary in those exit reports written by her old therapists. It's not their faults because truly they have been amazing. My baby is just really, really low. I know that when another professional sees her on paper it is going to be hard to see past those low, low scores. So I worry. I pray. I go to the meeting ready for the worst.

AND GUESS WHAT?

I sat in a small room with four professional women around a table. My sweet daughter made it about 20 minutes of that time before leaving with her daddy. I signed papers (on the parent line) and talked with these ladies about my baby girl.

Then, I leave the meeting with the feeling that these professionals working in the public school truly care about my baby. BECAUSE..They spent time asking about who she is and affirming the fact that she has had a difficult start. They played with her. Pursued her. Reaffirmed me. They even teared up as I talked about all she has been through. The speech professional who attended even adopted and we were able to talk shop as far as international adoptions go. They mention to me that because of all that I am doing with her and the knowledge I have..it could be best to keep her home a while. The psych shared that working one on one with her and providing all the therapeutic activities that I do could be best for her versus being in school. I can give her my undivided attention and she is making huge gains she assures me! She asked questions about bonding and attaching (another concern I continually have about school and my sweet thing being away from me) and then I see in this kind woman's eyes that she really understands (and I completely agree with all that she said). They love all that we are doing to work on skills and love that I socialize her so much. They commend me for the way that we are raising our precious one and best of all...the psychologist says that sending her off to school may not be the best option now, but when it is they have several ideas of places she could attend. I can visit each one and make the decision about which one is best for her.

Then, I share this is 100% how I feel. She isn't ready to be in a school setting during the day yet. This is exactly how I think. This is the issue that has caused me grief for months and one that the EI powers that be made me doubt on a regular basis. I leave feeling like these professionals are for my baby girl not against her and that I am a huge part of deciding what is best for her..not paperwork or funding or the amount of time it will take to work out a plan. They are in this for her and will work with me to do what's best for her!!

Relief. That's what this momma is feeling. Also guilt. My bad attitude for the last few months about this event does not glorify God. Repentive. History is just that history. Time for another new beginning for my baby girl.

Three years old?

Ready or not here we come!

Our First Valentine's Day as Four

So blessed to have both of my girls together this year!...

A handmade card.

Gifts..chocolate gifts..the best kind at our house.

Heart shaped pizza..

Yummy!

My Budding Artist

I have been begging her for months to hold these in her hand. She hated it at first. She couldn't stand to touch them let alone make a mark with them.

Now look at her go to town...I don't think she has quite decided if the right or left is best.

So determined..


She even sat at the table in the nursery today next to a friend and colored for a few minutes. On Tuesday, she sat in the craft area at the library and made the craft (with lots of help from momma) with the other story time kiddos. I am blown away at how far she has come.

She always claps for herself when she is done. She is even understanding momma's praise and seeks it out for her job well done. It is so darn cute!

Her latest work of art...

the dining room wall.

That's right...

She is so comfortable picking up those writing utensils that she decided this wall was her canvas. Too funny!! I did teach her to use these so I only have myself to blame. :)

Hard

This morning was hard. Hard because my sweet treasure melted down..completely down. It is so hard to watch her crying, screaming, and thrashing for over an hour. The first 30 minutes I can hang in pretty well. I try to stay calm, meditate on scripture, pray, and sing..but when she starts banging her head on the floor I always weep heavy over her. I wish there was something I could do for her. I wish that I could understand her need and help. I don't quite know what to do for her yet and I may never know. She may never be able to tell me what is happening and how she is feeling. This is the hard part...never knowing why and the fact that there is no sure fire "recipe" to help her come out of it. Today it just had to run it's course and I had to make sure she was safe. She was exhausted after it was over. She's sleeping soundly now. I praise God for that and pray that He continues to give me the strength and wisdom I need to be the best momma I can be to this little treasure.

Bball and Piggy Tails

We love us some basketball at our house. Daddy coaches Darling Kiddo's junior high team at her school and it has been an awesome week for her team. They won their regional game and are headed to the state tournament next Saturday! We are so excited because we are crazy about basketball and winning is fun! My girl has turned into quite a player these days. She looks so big and so grown up out there that it is hard to remember the chubby three year old who couldn't even dribble. She has turned into such a great player and while this isn't her most important attribute for us to cultivate as we shape her into a Godly woman..we love ball so much that it is so rewarding to see her being successful!

She scored 13 points on Friday and she loves, loves, loves to play. She has gained so much confidence and watching her daddy coach her just makes me happy inside!

Oh yes she did...Jillian let me put her hair in piggy tails. It is getting longer ever day and my is it at that messy growing out stage. Can't wait until when it is long enough to really put up and she will finally sit nicely for a good haircut. Until then, we will just have to settle for this hairdo. The three of us were all surrounding her in her room last night. Big Sis with the camera, daddy with his camera phone, and momma with her flashlight trying to get a smile out of her. She must think we are all nuts. Of Course sissy said..You're going to blog about this aren't you? Yes, sweet one..I AM!

Great shot of the piggies..

Oh Be Still My Heart..She's so cute! Hair bows here we come!