It Takes My Breath Away..

It takes my breath away to think..

She's mine..

She's really mine..

Oh, I love her to bits!!!

Those cheeks are made for kisses..

Those chubby toddler hands are perfect to hold..

What a HUGE blessing!!

A Special Guest

We were so lucky to have Uncle A here with us for the night last week. He was a big help around here and even got in on feeding Jill...

She truly enjoyed having another person at her beck and call. She bossed him just as much as she does the rest of us.

Recovery and Preparation

We were swinging today at the park like always. But because the electric sprinkler system doused the silver swing that is usually stop #2 of our route, we were rerouted to a black swing near the road. All part of God's plan for us this morning because from the black swing we were visible from the road..and wouldn't you know this morning "my class" ( I was a special ed teacher before staying home.) was out on a morning community trip with their new teacher. Their wonderful teacher spotted me from the swing (because of the reroute) and they pulled into the park to say hello. It was so good to see them. I miss those special kiddos so much.

My first instinct was to get on the bus to hug them. Of course, Jill was not OK with that and she started to cry. I got off the bus immediately and started to walk with Jill, but was sure that she was entering into meltdown mode and we would have to leave the park. I kept walking with her, holding her close, and singing to her (sorry to those at the park-I can't sing).

Then, the most wonderful thing happened as we walked...
SHE RECOVERED.
SHE ACTUALLY RECOVERED!!!
I can hardly believe that I am able to say that BUT it's true..SHE RECOVERED!!

We were near the beginning of our swing route by this point and so she just started all over again. We started with swing #1-then #2-then the playground. She fully recovered and enjoyed another hour at the park. It was probably one of the most victorious mornings of my life. I am not kidding.

Starting our route again also gave me time to think as we were swinging. I was thinking about how God has been preparing me to be this special girl's momma for the last 13 years. I am no stranger to the world of special kids, therapy, communication devices, joint compression, deep massage, sensory integration methods, IEPs, or the like. In fact, special kids is my professional specialty and one of my passions. God has been developing that in me and He knew that this special little girl would be mine and that I could use all that knowledge for her. It struck me again that God is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. He has it all planned out for our good even when it seems less than good at the time. AMAZING! Amazing that I get to be this little one's momma and that God has been preparing me for it all of my life. How I love knowing that His hand never leaves me..How I love knowing He is bringing about His perfect will in my life each and every day.

To My Girl

My Dear Jillian,

You haven't left my lap today. You have been snuggled down happy as a lark all day. It is so good to see you so very happy. It rained last night and at the park this morning there was mud everywhere. You loved it. You squished your shoes all around in it. You made me go down the wet slide with you in my lap. You laughed hysterically at the speed the water added to our descent.

I marvel at you today. I marvel at how you are growing. I marvel at how your heart is able to love and I rejoice at how freely you are accepting love from us. I marvel at how God has prepared us all for each other from the beginning of time. His plan is far greater than I could have ever dreamed. My love for you and joy because of you is deeper than I could have ever imagined. I love you with all my heart.

Becoming your mother is a journey that continues to grow me in ways that I never dreamed. Thank you for being my daughter. Thank you for all that you have taught me. Though our time together thus far has been short-you have shown me so much..so much about trust, love, and perseverance. I truly think I needed you more than you needed me. Love watching you sleep just now and taking in each and every one of these moments. You are a treasure. You are my daughter. You are loved by the King and by this momma.

Love you so dear girl.

Giggles Galore

(I have to begin with a confession..We must not be making Em practice her piano enough as Jillian has been home five months and this is the first time she has heard the piano. Summer break was long..but back to lessons and practice for Darling Kiddo.)

Wonder what could be causing this...

and this...

and this..

Why this...Of Course!

Sissy is back to piano lessons which means practice. Jillian loved the sound and the vibration in the floor as sissy played the keys. She asked us to play that piano all night and giggled with joy as each of us "played". Look at how she is holding her sissy's hand. Who can stand it? So cute..

So thankful for my girls..So much love to share.

Joy Has Returned..

..now that Daddy is back home. Our girl is back to herself since daddy has been home again. She is far less anxious and much more connected. Oh last week was so hard, BUT she has had three days in a row that have been meltdown free now that daddy has returned. She is so complex our little one and things affect her so deeply. I knew she knew something was going on and she definitely knew that daddy wasn't home. Praise the LORD-her joy has returned!!


Just look at her playing with her daddy!! So much JOY!


There is nothing cuter than a chubby tummy in longjohn pjs. Precious!


Lacing bead fun!!

Grateful

Today is one of those days that as I watch her sleep..

I am overcome with joy that God has made her mine.

Grateful..

Grateful to you-who made this happen-by giving to bring her home.

I see your faces each and everyday as I feed her, hear her laugh, listen to her say momma, or see the twinkle in her eye.

Thank you is simply so inadequate.

But thank you..

Thank you for caring about bringing our baby home to us.

Thank you for loving her and sharing some of what the Lord has blessed you with so that she too could have a loving family.

Truly the difference you have made for her-in her life-is beyond words.

I love you-each and everyone of you-because you loved my baby with Jesus' love..

Praise Him!

Praise Him that He sets the lonely in families and invites us to take part.

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

The journey with our little miss this last week has been incredibly hard. There have been times, many times, that I have felt like I did the first week we were home. I have been at the bottom and thought we were climbing up, but now it seems like the floor has been taken out from under us and we are starting over in many ways.

I'll tell you though-I love her and she is mine. I am in this for the long haul no matter what. I am trusting God with this journey as I know He has it planned out.

I also have to say that without the incredible trials and tough times of this last week-I simply would have missed the comfort of my Lord and He has been handing it out to me abundantly lately...

It was a rough night. About midnight, she had been screaming for two hours already. I was desperate. I left her on the bed and sat in the rocking chair next to her and turned on the nightlight. I got just enough light to read and so I began reading some of the Psalms aloud as she continued to struggle. Then God brought a song-The Joy of the Lord is My Strength-to my heart. It has been such a long time since I have heard it that I could only remember the chorus. The chorus was enough. I just began to sing it over Jillian as she cried. I closed my eyes and rubbed her back while I sang that chorus again and again. I haven't felt closer to the Lord than I did last night. It was such a beautiful time of worship right there in her bedroom in the wee hours of the morning. It calmed her too. She finally fell into a good sleep about one AM and slept until seven this morning.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord that He is the great comforter, that He is ever beside me, and that I know Him as Savior. Couldn't live one day without Him in it..the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Saying Goodbye

We lost Sean's dad on Friday to cancer. This is a very hard post to write, but I want Jill to be able to read it one day and know how much she was loved by her grandpa. I want her to know that while she only had four short months with him-she meant the world to him. I also want to celebrate the incredible grandpa he was to Emily for the twelve years that he walked beside her..

For Emily..

The moment that Floyd found out that I was pregnant, he wanted a black haired granddaughter with green eyes, but when you came out with blonde fuzz and blue eyes he was captivated by you. Truly as a toddler, your grandpa was everything to you. No one could make you laugh like he could. He played with you on the floor for hours on end, took us on beach vacations, took you fishing, shared pizza with you, built tents, baked biscuits, and endured a frightening tornado with you all before you were four years old. As you grew, he continued to spoil you like crazy giving you anything that you wanted, sleeping on the couch when you visited so you could sleep in his bed, making you cheesy eggs and chocolate gravy, and always having chips and cheese on hand for you to eat. My dear big girl you have been blessed to know the love of your grandpa and to be able to truly experience it is something that you should not take for granted. I am so grateful to God that you have all of these memories to carry in your heart. I only wish we could have had him longer.


For Jillian..

Grandpa anticipated your arrival just as much as he did Emily's. He loved you from the moment we were blessed with you. On Thanksgiving, though you weren't home with us yet, I remember him talking about you as we sat around the table. He wondered where "our" girl was and what she was doing on this day. When arriving home from China, we were met with news that Grandpa wasn't well and your very first visit with him was in the ICU. Then her rallied and we were given a few more months and some precious memories that momma will always carry in her heart of the two of you together. You were so unsure at first if you could play with this curly haired guy. He didn't give up though and as soon as you allowed him, he was on the floor next to you. He read to you and you let him hold you. You would have thought that the world was brighter than it ever had been in that moment because he was able to hold you. We were able to make a trip to see him again in his apartment near the hospital in St. Louis and, though he was not well, he held you on the balcony in the rain for nearly forty minutes as you splashed in the puddles. The last time he saw you, he decided that you might like a ride in the laundry basket and so he hooked a belt on and pulled you around the living room. Oh how you laughed. Seeing you experience being loved by a grandpa was beautiful though it ended much too soon. Know that he loved you with all of his heart.

Both of my girl's lives are richer and beyond blessed because they got to call this man grandpa. So thankful for that. So thankful for how he loved my girls. Praying for God's comfort and peace for my dear husband as he buries his father tomorrow.

Tidying Up

Despite my little one's not feeling at all well..We are enjoying some sweet moments here.
Thanks to the love of the rice bin...Rice is constantly on the floor. I am also constantly trying to sweep it up. I found my little peanut doing this yesterday with the broom I left next to her sensory bin...

So cute..

So darn cute..

She is lovin her some books in the last couple of weeks. Just look at her..

That smile melts my heart..

Please do remember her in your prayers though. We got a call from the doc today that the culture they took on an infected spot under her arm grew some nasty infection. They are changing her antibiotic to fight it off and have no idea how she got it or what it was..The ear infection antibiotic is making her feel much better but reeking havoc on her bowels. Poor baby. Sore ears. Sore bottom. Now an infection under her arm. She is still not drinking anything from a cup or bottle either. It has been almost three weeks now since she started refusing her bottle. I am watching her closely for dehydration, but so far she is a-ok. It may be a long ten weeks waiting for those tubes. It'll be so worth it though.

Up to Something New

I wish I had the words to tell you what was in my heart this morning. Walking the halls, meeting the workers(investigators, placement workers, caseworkers), taking pictures of their spaces that desperately need revitalized..

Over the last few months, I have been praying about serving the foster care community. I know the children in this system need believers to stand up for them, serve them, and show them God's love. I know there are hundreds of children in our community who are hurting, broken, neglected...I know and I have been praying about what my part should be..This morning I was so excited as I walked the halls of the local state children's agency because it meant that my part of serving the foster system is beginning.

I am so excited to be coordinating a "project sunshine" right here in our community through The Forgotten Initiative (TFI). TFI is a ministry that was started by an adoptive momma whose journey led her to also be a foster mom. She discovered for herself just how forgotten some of these children are and God stirred her heart to help. So, she started TFI and God is moving the hearts of many to serve these kiddos right here where we live. She is working-with the help of many others-to make sure they are not forgotten. She is beginning mentoring programs, letter writing programs, foster family support, and so much more.

I am thrilled to be a part of this "project sunshine" which means that I get the chance to lead the redo of the visit rooms at our local agency. A visit room is an area where foster kiddos visit with their biological families weekly. It is also a room where the foster kiddos may wait during transitions between homes or while caseworkers visit with their families. It should be a kid friendly, inviting space that makes each kiddo that enters feel warm, welcome, and cared for. The rooms that I toured today were not that. They were forgotten. Forgotten no more because TFI is on the scene.

I am so excited to do this!!!!! We will be working to raise funds in the next several weeks, looking for toy donations, and volunteers to paint or clean. If it sounds like something you might want to do, let me know. If you have a Sunday School class, Bible Study, or church congregation that would like to contribute financially to the makeover..I'll be getting the account info up and running. Of course, it's tax deductible and for an amazing cause..those kiddos in the foster care system.

I'll be sharing more soon. I could burst I am so excited...

She's So Right

I just read Andrea's post here. Before I read it, I was thinking about our visit to the doctor this morning..(our third in two weeks). I was thinking that I didn't get Jill to surrender to sleep for her nap until almost 3:00..(two hours later than normal). I was thinking about how difficult it was to hold Jill down at the doctor watching her fighting and flailing. I was thinking about how hard this job is sometimes and how very much I love Jill and want to help her.

BUT after reading that post...The worst is behind Jill. She is home with a family. She has access to the best doctors, therapies, and a mom/dad who are commited to taking care of her whatever it takes. So many children don't have any of that. My needs and trials are so minuscule compared to theirs. They are desperate. Desperate for food, care, Jesus' love..

Praying I don't turn my face one more moment. Praying that I can be a part of meeting the needs of those least of these Jesus speaks of in Matthew.

I needed that post today. I needed a fresh perspective. Don't miss it for yourselves. Allow it to sink into your life today.

Those Shoes

Those shoes. Jill saw them today. She picked them out of a pile of ten or so pairs and brought them to me as I sat next to her on the floor. Those shoes. The ones she had been wearing the day she left her old life and was thrown into her new one. She lifted those two little shoes and held them up to me. She wanted me to see them. She wanted me to know that she remembered them..that they represented something to her. Those shoes. I talked to her about those shoes as she held them..about how she was wearing them the day that God placed her in momma's arms. Those shoes are from your orphanage..Those are Jill's shoes...I kept saying again and again. Then she wanted to put them on. I squished her feet in those shoes. Her eyes were so sad and she kicked them off. She laid sprawled on the floor with that look in her eyes-Staring at those shoes. My heart was breaking in two. I knew she was thinking about her past. I knew those two shoes were causing her to remember. Then, she started to sob and she wanted me to hold her. She sobbed for a long time while I rocked her and rubbed her back reassuring her that she was in the arms of her momma and that she would never have to be without me again. I tried to tell her that I understood how sad she must be and how much she must miss China. Then, I just started sobbing myself for all the pain this sweet, precious baby has felt. Pain that time and her momma's love will never fully erase. Those shoes are a reminder of that today. A reminder that God is the only one who can fully heal this precious girl and turn the ashes of her life into something beautiful.

It is so hard for me to understand sometimes how I can love this little one so much. After only four months, she is really still a stranger to me in many ways. Yet strangely, I would die for her. She is mine-her pain is my pain. She is my daughter and today it broke my heart to see her hurting so much. While it broke my heart that she was hurting..how I love that she wants to be in my arms. I feel beyond blessed to be her momma. I feel blessed that God has allowed us to do this..Blessed that we can call her ours.

Hard Times

Hard Times. We have them just like anyone else who is a parent and has their heart walking on the outside of their body. Maybe not having our baby girl from the beginning just makes the hard times we have with her seem harder to us or maybe after twelve years the intesity of the first time around wih darling kiddo has faded.

Jill went to the ENT today. We took the elevator up as the office was on the third floor. (We should have known to take the stairs.) Her meltdown was bad. Hard. She cried-no screamed-with deep intensity and flailing for over an hour all because of the elevator. We tried to calm her. Tried to walk her outside (taking the stairs), tried to rub her back, tried to soothe her, distract her, put her down, pick her up BUT nothing worked. The doctor was so nice and got us out of there in record time even letting us walk outside until they were ready to take us back. (I am sure it was unpleasant for them to hear her screaming.) Despite all of our best efforts to calm her nothing worked to help her. She was completely out of control. She screamed the entire time we were out today. Even when we went to the car and were done in the doctor's building, she could not calm herself. She was a big mess and I have to admit..I let myself get a little messy too. I cried right along side her. Cried for all that she has been through. Cried because I don't always understand what she needs. Cried because sometimes this journey is so hard.

After getting home, I took her to the rocking chair in her room and it was as if she hadn't just been melting down for the last hour. She stopped. Stopped just like that the minute we got to the chair..What was she thinking? I can't help but wonder what she was going through. Did she remember riding the elevator to the third floor of the Civil Affairs Office on Gotcha Day in China and being left with us? Was she revisiting the trauma she experienced then? We will never know. She can't tell us.

Praying that this episode doesn't have a lasting impact on her. This is the second one this week. The first meltdown was just as fierce and took longer to run it's course than this one. I need prayer. I really do. I want this baby healed. I want her to be able to handle life and right now she just can't always do that. Also, it is so easy for Satan to worm his way in with lies when I am weary during a meltdown. So easy to hear him saying..you can't do this. You're not good enough. Pray that I would fill my mind and heart with truth knowing that God made me for a time just as this and I can do all things through Him.

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts you. Keeping my mind on him. Trusting Him. Knowing that He is in control and loves Jill even more than I do.

Surgery is scheduled for Nov. 17th (ten more weeks!! UGH!!!). She will have a sedated hearing test, tubes inserted, and wax removed. Praying the time flies. I just want this done. Thanks for praying. We need it.

Just Now..

She cried out just now. She's been sleeping for about two hours and something jarred her awake. I went in to find her sitting up, crying with her arms up in the air and her eyes closed. When she opened her eyes just now-it was her momma's face she saw. It was her momma who scooped her up and loved her back to sleep. It was her momma who rubbed her little back after laying her down again. Oh, to not have to miss this..I can't even begin to express the gratefulness I have in my heart because of that. Blessed to be home.

Oh the Joy of..

the rice bin. She truly loves this sensory bin ya'all.

Look who she made get in on the fun...

Sissy tried to convince her that she would not fit in the bin, but she demanded otherwise.

Aren't they beautiful? Man this little one loves any and all attention she gets from her big sis.

God is so good.

She's Back

With two doses of antibiotics and some good numbing meds in that ear..our girl is back to her old self. She hasn't let me rest one minute today. I found her standing on top of the couch, climbing her toy box, and dumping her rice bin on the floor. Normally this girl keeps her momma on her toes, but because of the pain in that ear the last few days have been..well pretty dull by my girl's standards. She's back with a vengance. She has been pulling and tugging me from this toy to that one all day, requested to eat three times already, and pulled down the candleholders at least a hundred times. Oh, I missed her (but did like the rest).

Here are some pictures of her enjoying her new sensory bin. Rice galore with lots of "tools" to help her explore...

Please Pray

Please pray for our little one. She has another ear infection. We knew she was in pain again because she was digging at that ear and licking her fingers to stick them in there. That is exactly what she did when we first got to her and those ears were so infected. She is refusing to drink a bottle probably because it hurts like mad to suck with that ear so inflamed. It has been 48 hours since she has taken a bottle and she refuses to take a cup so that limits her liquid intake greatly. She has had half a popsicle which I fed her in a spoon, continues to down her puree food like a champ, and doesn't seem to have any signs of dehydration..BUT..I'm worried about her. I hate to see her in pain.

On a bright note..she did a great job at the doctor. It was a new office and she was cool as a cucumber in the lobby and even walked back to the exam room without melting down. She was very upset during the exam though, but what two year old wouldn't be? The hardest part is how very hard it is to calm her down after she gets upset. She went to sleep almost immediately after returning home. Praying those numbing drops and the antibiotic will do the trick..

We are scheduled to see the ENT next Friday anyway and they already told us they are planning on putting tubes in right away-a relief since this is her second infection in four months.

Praising the Lord that she has gained almost eight pounds and grown three inches since being home. It also seems that the wax in the right side of her ear has dislodged and so the doctor finally got a good look at that eardrum. It's the clear side and hopefully will stay that way. We appreciate your prayers so very much. Having an ear infection is no fun.

Taking It Slow

Every morning we go to the park. We take it slow..walking along the lagoon, looking at the ducks, swinging in each and every swing that we pass along the way, and just taking it in. Jill loves it and the people who frequent that park as often as we do have really taken a liking to her. They make a point to seek us out and say hello. Many have shared a bit of their lives with us..upcoming surgery, out of work, a son's lost bicycle...and some have asked Jill's story-our family's story. There is one older lady who is there walking everyday. She recently had surgery. I would guess she lives alone and works in a school kitchen. She has shared a bit of her life with me as I have seen her each morning while swinging Jill. I know a bit about who she is and today she asked if she could sit down with us. She did and she asked if we had other children. When I shared with her that we had one 12 year old until our eyes were opened to the orphan..she said you must go to church somewhere. Funny that she connected my willingness to take in the orphan to church. This was my open door to share my heart..who Christ was in me..with this woman. I told her that indeed I did and that my husband was a pastor. We felt called by God to care for this little one who needed a family to raise her up in the Lord and care for her. I told her where my husband pastored and then she was on her way around the lagoon pursuing the walking path with purpose using her cane. A divine appointment. A chance to remember that there are so many around me who may not know Him. What do I do about this? Who am I for Him to these others? Do I intentionally pursue people to make a difference for Christ in their lives? A challenge in the form of a stranger who we have come to recognize because we take life slow these days. What if I had taken life slow all along? Are there some that God would have had me share with that I have rushed by? Sadly, I know there are..I know I fail miserably at times. Yet, God continues to invite me to do His work as undeserving as I am. Glad there is grace for even me and that I am lucky enough to know Him as my Savior.

Family Time

We were giddy with excitement to learn that Phineas and Ferb the movie was being shown on a local network on Saturday night. DH and Em love this cartoon and since giving up the channel that it usually airs on over a year ago to save money-they rarely get to see it. It was such a treat that Jill and I decided to make an ice cream run. We headed to the sweet spot just the two of us to hit the drive thru. (Who would have thought that Jill could be my partner on an ice cream run? Miraculous! We've come a long way in four months that is for sure.)
My big girl requested cookie dough chiller with no chocolate syrup. She watched the movie from her favorite bean bag chair. I don't think she even texted the entire time..just watched mesmorized.

A large oreo chiller for Daddy..You should have heard him laughing his head off at this cartoon. He is seriously the biggest kid in our house.

And for our little treasure..her first hot fudge sundae. She loved it. She was quite wired up after eating all that sugar, but life is too short. She loves her some chocolate fudge and ice cream. I love to see the joy that food brings her. What a huge blessing!

I just cherish this time when we are all together. Around the dinner table on this very night we talked about bringing home more. We all have our ideas about where, when, and how..God already knows and so we wait for His will to be revealed. Can't help feeling so blessed by this family. So very lucky to have this amazing family that I enjoy and love so much.

Scrapes

It happened.

She fell.

Hard.



She got going too fast and because now a days she has the courage to leave the comfort and safety of momma's hand-she fell. She stumbled in the grass right on to the sidewalk. I was home alone at the time and tried to stay calm. She handled it better than I did I think. Doesn't she look pitiful? Poor Baby. It hasn't slowed her down though. She takes life at one speed-lightning speed that is..

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,
Home almost four months my treasure. Four months you have been mine..here with me in my arms. They have flown and honestly I don't remember what it was like to not have you here with us. I reread some of the waiting posts and while the depths of the sorrow and pain are deeply rooted in those words I wrote while I waited for you..NOW there is so much joy that the pain of waiting is easily forgotten. I continue to just marvel at all that you are doing. Every day you come alive more and more. Four months ago you screamed in terror when I would put you in the bath tub..NOW you scream with delight. You love your bath, the bubbles, and the toys that float in the water as I wash you each night. Four months ago you rarely made a sound as if your voice was stolen from you by the sorrow that seemed to have taken up residence in your heart...NOW you make noise all the time. You are constantly squealing, babbling, and screaming with joy. Four months ago you wouldn't go near a swing even when you were sitting on momma's lap..NOW each morning at the park you methodically trace the route from swing to swing enjoying each one from the security of my lap. Four months ago you screamed in the car unsure of where you were going..NOW you giggle with delight from that same carseat as the wind tossles your hair excited about where we might be headed. Four months ago I loved you but knew so very little about you...NOW I am enjoying learning more about you each and every day. I love you dear one. I love watching the videos from four months ago and just being in awe of how much you have grown. God is healing your little heart so quickly and you are truly a miracle. Being your momma is a joy and a pleasure.

The Unexpected Gift

I continue to read blogs about children joining their families. I love them. They fill my heart and take me back to getting our own treasure just four short months ago. Sometimes though I see the pictures of the children in the arms of their mommas peacefully or happily eating cheerios and I think about how different our experience has been. As we were waiting for Jill, I prayed that she would be a healthy, happy, and average when I reached her. I certainly didn't want this too be hard and honestly I prayed that it wouldn't. I'm ashamed to admit that I wanted her to be "typical".

Yet, who she is and the struggles that she has is really such a gift. A gift because it has changed my perspective, given me courage, and allowed me to see God even more clearly. The other day when I was talking with my DH he said..If Jill wasn't so "special" you would have never had the courage to stay home even though you desperately wanted to. He's so right. If Jill didn't have therapy appointments, medical appointments..if Jill ate regularly or could communicate..if Jill was able to fall quickly into the routine of our life..I wouldn't have had the courage to do this and frankly this is what I have always wanted to do. So you see, Jill's struggles have been an unexpected gift and something that I am so thankful for in many ways. At the park yesterday we ran into a couple from our old congregation who said..Looking at you beaming over her-I think you needed that baby as much as she needed you. SO TRUE!!


I love her so. I would do anything for her and am thrilled at the progress she is making..






She has gained a whole seven pounds in the last four months. She is a robust little toddler now days. Look at those round cheeks and the rings on her arms. Sweetness.

She loves to read her books and likes keeping one hand in the wipe bin. She loves how they feel.

She has a new therapy cup and is tolerating taking liquids from it, but still prefers her bottle.

Four months ago, she wouldn't touch a toy and now she regularly touches every toy she owns while throwing them around the living room.

She is very direct about what she wants you to do and has definitely found her voice this week. She is making lots of speech sounds and screaming with joy when she enjoys something. Sissy and I couldn't even hear the television over her jabber the other night. Sissy then said..I liked it better when she was quiet. LOL! Personally, it is music to this momma's ears.

First Day

First Day of Seventh Grade that is...


Wish you could see her zebra backpack. She is a zebra loving fool!! She is sporting her new blue converse-that's my girl's style.

She will finally sit in the front seat because she is twelve. She is a rule follower despite trying to convince her that she was plenty big enough to safely sit in the front seat-she wouldn't do it until her twelfth b-day. She is too funny.

Jill had some academic time herself this morning with her favorite lift the flap books while sissy got ready for her first day. She has really had an amazing week..that's my next post.
Even though school is back in swing..this is where you will find me spending my mornings these days!!! I am still here at home taking care of my baby girl! OH THE JOY!!! We spent the morning at the park like always and then picked up sissy after her early dismissal. Being home is so good.

This is seriously the most miraculous journey. I love having my girls, being a mom, and adventuring with God in this life. You know I was thinking this morning that four years ago before our job switch into full time ministry we were living on so much more income and never thought I could be home. Now, we make one third of what we did then and we have a far greater understanding of what really matters-not to mention God continues to provide for our needs. We are so much richer..Incredible. Miraculous. Impossible. That's the God I love, serve, and depend on. Smiling from ear to ear.

Lunch with Our Big Girl

DH's parents offered to drive up and stay with Jill for an hour while she napped so we could take our Darling Kiddo out to lunch. We enjoyed our time with her so much. We talked about school starting, which classes she thought would be the hardest, and what she was most excited about doing in junior high. It was a wonderful hour together. We sipped cherry limeade, ate some tasty fries, and the best part for me was I got to eat sitting down at the same time Daddy and Em did..this is a rarity and hasn't happened in the last four months since bringing home our treasure. I really enjoyed our time and it just reminds me how very fast she is growing up. I am thankful for her. She is turning into such a wonderful young woman. I'm not going to blink though because this time with her is flying by way too fast. School starts next Monday and well then she is a junior higher. How can this be?

Ordinary

Posts get harder and harder because frankly..I am living in the ordinary and it is so good. Jill is in the swing of our routine and things are well-ordinary. She continues to make little bits of progress here and there developmentally. I go to therapy with Jill, spend lots of time at the park, spend even more time wrestling with Jill on the floor, push her in the laundry basket, listen to her laugh hysterically when tickled, change her dirty diapers, clip coupons, make meals, pick up toys, read about three books a week (Remember, she naps a long time.)... Life is so good as a stay at home momma. :) It is good and ordinary. Ordinary is what I prayed for when those days were so rough after immediately coming home with our treasure. So good to see my little one functioning in the ordinary.

In fact, things are seeming so ordinary that when our social worker visited this week to check in I asked..about starting another adoption. OH YES I DID! It is crazy. Certainly not ordinary. Maybe even insane BUT how can you see what we have seen and experience what we have experienced and do nothing? How can we close our eyes to what we know the Lord wants us to do? I don't know when...I don't know where...I don't know how...BUT God is moving. We are praying and continue to have our hearts in pieces for the orphan. We have seen with our own eyes the difference a family can make for one child and we are willing to open our hearts to more. Lots of mountains seem to be standing in our way, but isn't that when God does His best work? Move over ordinary because CRAZY is on its way.

Oh to See that Smile

Helpless

Helpless. That is exactly how I have felt the last two afternoons. Jill has gotten up from her nap each day and melted down. I mean really melted down.

Friday was heart breaking as it totally caught me off guard. It had been a while since she has pushed me away so much and cried so uncontrollably. After 45 minutes of crying, she popped right out of it like it never happened. The crying was so intense and so uncontrollable and yet gone as quickly as it came. What could have caused this despair? I always wonder...

Then on Saturday it happened again. I was a bit more emotionally prepared for it because we walked this road on Friday and I could see she was headed down the very same path. Yesterday though, she didn't push me away. She tried desperately to communicate with me about how I could soothe her. She put my hand on her back "telling" me to rub it. She lifted her arms for me to pick her up. She motioned to go downstairs. Yet all the while, she was crying uncontrollably. Watching her ride the meltdown out from start to finish is draining. About halfway through, she escalates to rolling and kicking..crying and screaming..wanting to be held and wanting down. Then you can see her calming. Little by little she gains control. She is able to regulate whatever it is that is happening to her emotionally. Finally, when it was over she sat up again and began to play as if she has been content the entire afternoon and hadn't spent the last 45 minutes crying her eyes out. The only evidence of the meltdown is her very snotty nose and swollen eyes. Forty five minutes of crying will do that to you.

Oh my poor girl. I just want to know how to help her. I just want to know what it is that is causing her despair. I want to name this thing. Name it so that I can fix it. BUT I can't really do anything. I just stay near by and reassure her that everything is alright. I pray over her, hold her when she lets me, and put her down next to me when she has had enough touch. I am really powerless. I have to give this baby and all her circumstances to the Lord knowing that He is the ultimate healer. In His time, these moments may be no more. How I just wish I could know when they will end? How I wish I could see some cause for them so that we could keep it from happening?

This journey is not for the faint of heart. This journey can be draining, exhausting, and so hard. It kills her daddy especially to see her like she was yesterday, but in these times we lean heavily on our Lord who gave her to us just as she is knowing that we were exactly who she needed.

Time

This morning I had time to swing at the park with my precious baby girl for 60 minutes. I sat in the bench swing with that girl nestled in my arms watching the ducks, listening to her babble, and watching her enjoying the sun in her eyes for 60 minutes. I was still. I was reciting scripture in her ear. Scripture that I have memorized came to my mind and I was just whispering word after word over her little cheeks.


60 minutes. Not working is so good. So good for a million reasons....


I have time. Maybe I could have always had time if I would have taken it. If I would have re prioritized I may have found more time, but now God has done such a work in my life and time is something I have so much of. Time to minister to the older lady who was walking by as we were swinging who just needed an ear. Time to smile and say hello to those who pass. Time to hold my baby girl and just enjoy being in the presence of the Lord with her near. God is so good.


Can't you just see His hand written all over her?




DH and Darling Kiddo are on a road trip and so I devoted the whole morning to Jill. At one point, I was pushing her in the laundry basket back and forth back and forth..She looked up at me, smiled a wide smile, looked deeply in my eyes, and leaned in to press her little mouth against mine. This relationship takes time..becoming her momma has taken time..Time that I am willing to set aside because it's so good and so worth it.

Win an IPad...Bring Her Home

Please visit the blog of my dear friends to enter for a chance to win an IPad. One chance is only $5.00. Really who can't spare $5.00 for the orphan's sake? The Arnold family is just beginning their journey to Maggie Grace. Isn't she beautiful? Little Maggie is waiting for her family and they need our help to raise the ransom. Click on this link to enter the raffle in the side bar of their family's blog. Good Luck.


And the King will answer them, "Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine you did it to me." Matthew 25:40

Change of Plans

You know if there is one thing having a toddler again has shown me it is...my plans may not ever be my reality. The plans I have are sensible, practical, desirable (to me), but if Jill isn't down with them-they just don't happen. This is hard for me-I'll admit it. I can be selfish and when I want something to be a certain way I struggle when it doesn't happen.

This is one of my biggest hang ups with not being in church for worship. Every Sunday, I plan on going. I plan on being a part of the corporate worship experience. I plan on wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, putting Jill in a darling dress, and being spiritually "fed". We have been home for three months now and well our little miss just doesn't always like my plans for Sunday morning. She tends to be very uncomfortable in the church building, doesn't like all the people, doesn't like to not be able to move freely when ever and where ever she wants to AND so because of this my times in worship have been very limited.

I step out of the house each Sunday morning ready, but despite my best efforts I generally have to leave worship most Sunday mornings with an overstimulated, screaming baby girl. Sometimes I'm annoyed by this. Sometimes, I just want to be in worship. After all that is my plan. It seems like a good plan. Seems like God would want me in worship. My plans should be honored.

Here is where the selfish comes in. It happened two weeks ago. Jill was on the verge of a meltdown in the quiet room off the sanctuary so I got out of there quick. I wasn't happy about having to return home without participating in worship, but I did it. Jill settled down quickly when she got home and was playing happily in her bedroom. Still unhappy about leaving worship, I picked up my Bible there in Jill's room and opened to Matthew.

I started reading in chapter one-the genealogy of Jesus. I saw the names of the women in the genealogy circled in red pen. I remembered the motion of that red pen circling those names in my Bible during one of my quiet times not so long ago. Those red circles and the names of those women had led me to study each of them in scripture. Back then, I wanted to know them, know their stories, and try to understand why they had been included among so many men in Jesus's line. So on this day as Jill played, I went back and read each of their stories again.

Hmmm..I bet these circumstances-the ones that led each of these women to be a part of Jesus's line-where not in their plans. I bet Rahab-a former prostitute-never planned to cross paths with God's people, pick up her household, and hit the road with them. I bet Bathsheeba never planned to become pregnant with the King's baby while married to another man. I bet Tamar didn't plan to walk her circumstances either. She was left without a husband and seducing her father-in-law. Likewise, Ruth probably didn't plan to be a young widow, move to a foreign land, and care for her mother-in-law. I'm sure at thirteen, Mary never planned to carry the son of God in her womb. I am sure that these circumstances led them to abandon plans of their own so that God's plans could be fulfilled through them...Yet never once did it say they resisted this change of plans-these divine appointments that led them to Jesus's line..

It challenged me to be more willing to let go of my plans. It challenged me to take hold of my circumstances where ever they lead me and find God there. God was there that Sunday morning in Jill's bedroom. I didn't need to go to worship, wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, to be spiritually fed. He was there all along even if I couldn't be in worship. I just had to seek Him. He was waiting for me right there on the pages of scriptures. Waiting to tell me that my plans are not always His. I need to learn this..Embracing that a little more these days and praying to see God more clearly when my plans change because I have the privilege of being this little one's momma.