Bball and Piggy Tails

We love us some basketball at our house. Daddy coaches Darling Kiddo's junior high team at her school and it has been an awesome week for her team. They won their regional game and are headed to the state tournament next Saturday! We are so excited because we are crazy about basketball and winning is fun! My girl has turned into quite a player these days. She looks so big and so grown up out there that it is hard to remember the chubby three year old who couldn't even dribble. She has turned into such a great player and while this isn't her most important attribute for us to cultivate as we shape her into a Godly woman..we love ball so much that it is so rewarding to see her being successful!

She scored 13 points on Friday and she loves, loves, loves to play. She has gained so much confidence and watching her daddy coach her just makes me happy inside!

Oh yes she did...Jillian let me put her hair in piggy tails. It is getting longer ever day and my is it at that messy growing out stage. Can't wait until when it is long enough to really put up and she will finally sit nicely for a good haircut. Until then, we will just have to settle for this hairdo. The three of us were all surrounding her in her room last night. Big Sis with the camera, daddy with his camera phone, and momma with her flashlight trying to get a smile out of her. She must think we are all nuts. Of Course sissy said..You're going to blog about this aren't you? Yes, sweet one..I AM!

Great shot of the piggies..

Oh Be Still My Heart..She's so cute! Hair bows here we come!

In the Cart??

Really, you would have thought I was vacationing in Hawaii. My face exuded joy and I beamed this morning as I walked the aisles at Walmart. In fact, I stuck out so much..I had a fellow momma approach me as if to say..I have never seen a momma so happy to be at Walmart with her little one. (It's true! I was really approached.)

This morning...my Jillian rode in the grocery cart at Walmart!!!!

That's right!! She was in the cart-standing in the basket-while I pushed it back to grab a box of diapers. This is huge! This is incredible. This is reason to rejoice, scream, shout, and dance shamelessly in acknowledgment of the Lord's great power in helping this little treasure overcome her fear!! Remember with me friends that ten months ago she couldn't even walk in a store in my arms without a major breakdown. A breakdown lasting hours after we left at times. She wouldn't go near a cart without screaming in anguish. Slowly, she has become familiar with the social routines of shopping while safe in her momma's arms. Slowly, we have explored different stores in said arms and purchased one or two items. Slowly, the breakdowns while entering the stores and having to wait to pay have lessened. Slowly, she has even become sure enough of the environment that she is able to get down and walk a bit. Finally, she is more comfortable with the sights, sounds, and faces of strangers as we shop. She is trusting me more and more.

AND TODAY...

Today she got in the cart!

She was in the cart throughout most of the store. She was anxious a bit, but she held it together. This means a whole new life routine has opened up to us..grocery shopping with a list. I don't know if she is ready to join me for my weekly grocery outings yet, but she is getting closer.

Ten months ago, I took so much for granted. I would have never teared up over the fact that my daughter was able to ride in a grocery cart and I would have certainly never been so happy to be running an errand at Walmart, BUT this little baby has changed my perspective so much. Each experience is a HUGE victory allowed by the Lord to bring glory to God through her life. Each new day..a chance to see His redemptive power working through her. Oh, I am so blessed to be able to be a part of it.

The biggest thing I have discovered is that when I started this journey, I often thought about how much this little baby would need me, but was so oblivious to how much we really needed this little baby. She has shown me so much, changed me so much, expanded my heart so much..a miracle is my baby girl indeed. She is a miracle that God is not through redeeming yet and I am praying for His continued healing of her heart!

My Brave Girl

Dearest Baby Girl..
Today the Lord reminded me just how brave you are..how resilient..how wonderful. We had therapy in a different room than usual and while you were extremely nervous, anxious, and sensitive to all that was new around you..You eventually overcame and had some fun with momma's help. How you trust me sweet one and look to me to meet your needs is just one of the greatest blessings of my life. You glazed over initially in this new space, got your coat, took momma to the door, and began to cry. You let me come to you, hold you, and calm your fears. Then in desperation, we turned to sensory play Miss M and I..swinging you by your hands and feet and crashing your body into the mat and you laughed..It was a small and reserved laugh at first. The kind of laugh that seems to accidentally slip out even when joy seems fleeting. Suddenly as if the flood gates let loose..you smiled and really laughed. You gave us your eyes and overcame your fear because you felt safe there with me. You trusted me. After that you were all smiles and engaged Miss M and I for nearly thirty minutes swinging, putting rings on the sorter, and playing peek-a-boo in the mirror. You are so brave and I am so blessed to watch you overcoming your hurt taking on the world a little bit at a time. I have been thinking a lot about what it must have been like for you to live without the love and support of a family those first two years of your life. I have been thinking about how it must have just been easier for you to hide inside yourself and refuse the world. You don't have to do that anymore. Praising God that you are home with us now and that you have a family to help you feel safe and that by God's grace you are overcoming the things that have kept you in darkness and isolation for so long. I love you and I will fight for you all the days of my life. You are a blessing and a true treasure. Take on the world baby girl and momma will be standing right by your side cheering you on every step of the way! To God be the glory!!
Momma

Sensory Play

One of the best things I can do for my little peanut is provide her with lots of opportunity for sensory play. Sensory play basically excites her senses, exercises them, gives input, and helps to organize her. It also helps her overcome her sensory deficiencies. Lots of kiddos with autism have sensory processing deficits and given my baby girl's lack of stimulation for the first two years of her life..she just didn't get the input that she needed as a babe to develop those brain sensors. This is a big part of why she is so anxious in new situations and so hesitant to try new things. Touching a crayon is terrifying to her because she has tactile defensiveness. Overcoming it means providing her with lots of tactile activities that give her the input and experiences she needs. Playing in the sink full of water and bubbles is great to awaken her senses and lessen her tactile defensiveness. (And she thinks it's a load of fun these days!)
I remember the first time I introduced her to water. She hated taking a bath. Having the water touch her was way too much input and she would scream bloody murder the entire time. She loves the water now. She even loves bubbles though "bath foam" is a whole other story. We are working on tolerating that shaving cream texture on her skin and hands these days during bath time therapy.

She enjoys playing with her toys in the water too. When I first got these toys out during bath time, she was terrified and wouldn't even look at them let alone touch them. Now these little guys spend many hours in the water with her riding in boats, jumping over the edge of the tub, and squirting water from their squirt holes. Oh, we have come so far my friends.

She gets that little stool off the shelf each morning for our sink play. She carries it to the sink and places it in front so that it is just right. Then she climbs on and goes at it. There is always lots of water everywhere, but that smile and a little fun is worth mopping up a bit.

I Wish

I wish you were here in our living room so that you could really see the joy that this little treasure radiates. I wish you could hear her laugh, a deep belly kind of laugh, like she does when her daddy plays with her. I wish you could see how her sister loves on her every time that she walks by her.I wish you could see my JOY each time she gives me a hug! I wish I could describe to you by typing something the change that has happened in her little heart since coming home. I wish that you could see for yourself that this orphan, once left alone, is now alive and well in this family. I wish I could tell you with adequate words thank you for giving so this could happen for her.
I wish that I could express to you the amazing gift that you gave to us when you donated and prayed for us as we were bringing her home. If you are ever tempted to think that you can't make a difference...If you ever feel overwhelmed by the need around you..REMEMBER..you made a huge difference in the life of this amazing little girl when you gave what you had to help her home to us.

You have forever blessed us by giving so that she could be ours. I haven't thanked you in a while...those of you who supported our adoption and helped us pay the ransom for our precious treasure are forever in my heart though. THANK YOU!! Thank you for giving to the Lord on our behalf. We are blessed beyond measure by your love and friendship!!

Shopping?

After nine months home, my little treasure is beginning to be secure enough to go out and participate in some typical activities! She is growing like a weed. Growing so much in fact that her pants are getting too short. I knew that there were some good clearance sales going on, but with Daddy gone four nights last week there was just no way to get out to look. Last night, it was just the two of us again. She has enjoyed going out so much lately that I decided to give it a try. This was the first shopping trip that I had attempted that wasn't about going in after one or two items and getting out fast. We went to one store first and browsed. While I looked at the clearance racks she stood (yes stood) right beside me. She didn't even need me to hold her. She walked around a little bit even and looked over some of the items. She never got anxious, never cried, never acted up..She even got away from me a bit, but always came right back when I told her to. The first store had nothing that I thought was clearanced enough and she did so well..I decided to try another store. Again, she was incredible..so cool..so calm..She may have even enjoyed it a bit. So I found her three new outfits and paid less than $20.00. Not garage sale prices, but ok none the less. The best part was she was there with me!!! And I'll tell you what..she is a showstopper. She gets so much attention when we are out. A Chinese baby is not the norm in these parts and she is so stinking cute. She's sporting one of those new sets today though I don't think she will ever be able to keep up any pair of pants because she just has no bottom to hold them up yet. She still needs a sz 18 mos and must have an adjustable waist. So different than my first girl who could hold her own at nearly twice that size when she was about to turn three. Love my tiny three year old, but dressing her is going to be a challenge with that tiny waist and long torso. Still, it was much easier to select sizes with her there and so much more fun!!! What out Daddy..she's a shopping girl now!

Thankful for Every Moment

Yesterday I took my angel upstairs to lay her down for her nap. It was 1:00 like always when we made our way up the stairs to her room. I follow the same routine everyday. I change her diaper, lay her down, and rock beside her bed until she falls asleep. Usually, she goes to sleep very quickly. Not yesterday.. Yesterday, as I sat rocking doing my Bible study in her room that little peanut was sitting up looking me right in the eye and wearing a wide smile as she did it. Yesterday was a battle. I couldn't help, but smile to myself though because she gave me her eyes in those moments. She looked right into me as if to say...I'm not going to sleep.

I wrote this in the margin of my Bible study workbook..
I praise you God for this precious girl. I thank you above all else that it is my eyes that she is staring into right now instead of going to sleep. Thank you Lord that I'm not missing this. Thank you for the gift of these moments..each and every one!

I am so blessed to be home with her. So blessed to be the one to put her down each day even when putting her down for a nap is a battle. I was thinking today that autism has given me this blessed gift..pushed us over the edge of letting go of our American Dream and demanded that I stay home. Autism in that sense has been an incredible blessing as it has given me the desire of my heart..to stay at home to care for my family. God has used autism..though it seems like a trial...for good in our family's life already. I know He will continue to do that and much glory will be brought to His name through our Jillian's life.

Registered and Grateful..

Just like He always does..God has shown himself mighty to me through the generosity of others this week. I don't deserve it. I don't even begin to understand it, but God by His sovereignty has led others to overwhelm me with His love because of their generous sacrifice. $100 provided and I am registered for Hearts at Home. Hearts is an amazing mom's conference that happens each year in Normal that this year just seemed a bit out of reach living on one income. I wish I could tell you with adequate words what it means to be so loved by so many in the body of Christ. I simply have no words, but I do have a picture..a picture of Christ' s love for me as I continue to feel the love of so many in our congregation for us.

We are blessed. Blessed to know Him and blessed to be able to live in community with so many others who love us because they love Him. You mean so much to me. You have become as close as family and I am grateful for you-each and every one of you!

Grateful for the way you sneak cards and gifts of encouragement for me in my hubby's office. Grateful for the way that you share with us your time, talents, and love. Grateful for the way you agree to meet around my dining room table for Sunday School because my treasure is uncomfortable in the nursery. Grateful for the way you get up during my prayer to check on the noise in the kitchen (aka my treasure tearing through the drawers). Grateful for the way you pick her up and love her each time you pass. Grateful for the way you bring her light up gifts because you know she will like them. Grateful for the way you take her in your lap and let her shake your water bottle. Grateful for the way you email me throughout the week to keep me connected to the adult world. Grateful for your kind words and that you are always there for me. I am grateful for you all today! Each of you has a different face and God has used you all to meet my many needs in a thousand ways in the last four years that I have been lucky enough to worship with you.

Thank you for reaching out to me this week and showing me God's love. I am bent over in awe of your service to Him! Thanks for being the picture of Christ's love that I needed most this week and always.

A Good Day

Today was a good day!

Our play therapy session was incredible.

She was there with us..really there with us!!

She even stayed "with" us for more than twenty minutes.

If you love a child with autism, you know what I mean.

She even had some "language". She said mama as a word several times, which she hasn't done in months, when it was my "turn" to play the accordion. AND she made the swing sounds when she wanted to swing. Her therapist even said the words that this momma clings to each time someone even mentions them...her language may be coming. I lay awake at night praying that I will hear her voice someday. I have found that on this journey, God is teaching me to let go of my dreams for her a little at time so that I can fully embrace her and who He has for her to be. As I have slowly let go of things little by little, I find myself clinging with all my might to the parts that I have left in my heart. Speaking someday..Hearing her calling momma when she needs me..I haven't let it go yet. I petition God on a regular basis to let it happen..to break through all those walls in her mind and allow her to speak with clarity. I don't know if it is in His plans for her, but today was a good day and this momma is holding on to hope. Hope that someday she will be just a little less trapped than she is now and enjoy being in relationship with us more. Oh, how I love her and am blessed beyond measure that God has allowed her to be mine.

A Sister to Love

What could make a little girl smile like that before bedtime?

Why..her sissy sharing a story with her of course!

You know, I'm not going to sleep now momma!

Beware...Ugly Cry Ahead

I just came across this beautiful, young girl's story last night. Oh My Word..IT BLESSED ME!!! She was minutes from aging out of the system when her family brought her home..out of loneliness, pain, hopelessness, and into the arms of her family. She has severe scoliosis and her diagnosis was grim. In fact without a family, this little precious, made in His sight girl would have been left to die. She has never received treatment for her spine and so over the years it continued to curve reducing her lung capacity, ability to walk, and quality of life. Then, this family found her in the niche of time and now she is home with them..mama (mother in Chinese), babba (father in Chinese), and two sisters. She is at this very moment undergoing some heavy and painful surgeries to fix that booboo in her back so that she can "match" everybody else(her words). If you have four minutes and a box of kleenex, watch the video above of this beautiful girl who by God's grace is now home with a christian family teaching her of Him. Her words are powerful and leave me crying out to the Lord...SEND ME AGAIN!!! Let me bring home more!!

Check out her mama's blog here to follow her story. She has a long road ahead of her as far as her back repair goes. Please pray for her. If you feel led, you can also send her a card of encouragement.

Evelyn (Xiaoyun) Willoughby
c/o Kosairs Children’s Hospital
231 E. Chestnut St.Louisville, KY 40202

Don't Be Sorry

I spoke with a "special education professional" who handles the paperwork side of therapy for my treasure today. She actually said that she was sorry to hear about Jillian's autism. Maybe I am just way too sensitive today, but there is nothing to be sorry about. There is everything to be JOYFUL about because God created my baby girl just the way she is. He wired her and wove autism into her being. He makes no mistakes. He intended for her to be, think, feel, and react just the way she does. This diagnosis is not a surprise to Him and it is nothing to be sorry about. She is fearfully and wonderfully made and though she may not appear "typical" to most, she is exactly who and how God planned for her to be. There is no reason to be sorry for that..no reason to mourn BUT there is every reason to celebrate His wisdom in creating this little lady to be exactly who she needs to be in order to bring glory to His name. There is even more reason to celebrate because somehow in His wisdom He chose me to parent this special treasure though I am so undeserving. So..don't be sorry. Don't mourn. Celebrate and embrace my baby girl who was created by an all knowing, loving God who has a HUGE plan for her life.

To My Girl..

Dear Jillian,
I just wanted to tell you that as you lay on my chest sleeping last night I was overcome with love for you as I often am. I can't believe that God has chosen me to be your momma and I count it a joy to be able to take care of you everyday. I listened to your breathing as you lay on me in the dark and I felt your heart beating in rhythm and joy just over took my spirit in a way I can't explain. With all of the challenges that life has handed you so far, you are so full of happiness and are responding so well to being a part of our family. I am grateful to God that He gave you to us and that I get to spend the rest of your life walking alongside you as your momma. You have changed me in so many ways and continue to challenge me to reconsider what is most important. You are a feisty little spirit and I love watching you fighting out of the world that you seem so trapped inside of. Each moment that I get to gaze into your eyes or hold you close is such a treasured gift. One day it is my prayer that you will grow to understand and feel just how special you are and how very loved by us you are. Ultimately, I pray each night that this love will lead you to the love of the Heavenly Father and that one day we would all be together for eternity praising the one who made us and gave us the gift of each other.

I love you with all that I am,
Momma

It Happened Today

There I was at the library. It's a seemingly safe place, or so I thought, until the over anxious four year old girl visiting the library with her preschool class sat down beside us. She chit chatted for a moment offering way too much personal information about herself. Looking at Jillian and then at me she asked..Did she grow in your tummy? I expected it to come from time to time. I know that a Chinese baby with an American momma is a rarity in my parts and so I knew it would come up...AND here it was. How do you answer that? I simply said no she did not grow in my tummy. Jillian has two momma's and she grew in her birth momma's tummy. I said that I had adopted her and asked her if she knew what that meant. She replied no and so in four year old language, I laid out the process. She then gave me her address, telephone number, and social security number (just kidding) before her preschool teacher started rounding up the children to return them to the center. Really though, I wasn't ready to answer this question. I wasn't sure what to say or how much to say. Luckily, my precious Chinese babe is oblivious at this point to my language and explanation. Although today's meeting..it has me thinking about the days ahead. What do I say when Jillian is there and can understand? How much do I offer and whose story is it to tell? I really don't know the answers to any of these questions and it seems I have time to figure them out because Jillian isn't much cracked up on conversation at this point. Still, maybe I should avoid the library for a while so I don't have to talk to anymore four year olds. :)

We Tried

We tried to eat lunch out today. We have a gift certificate for a local restaurant and so we decided to give it a try.

We had a plan..Arrive early, bring her comfort aides, sit in the back away from the commotion..

She did so much better in a new place than she would have done eight months ago, but she was really uncomfortable. She was able to stay about 20 minutes and eat a little bit of the food that I brought for her from home. She just kept looking up at the ceiling and shaking her little head no, but she made it about 2o minutes. The best part about it all was she never did have a meltdown. When she was too uncomfortable to stay, she simply got off her chair, took momma's hand, and led me down the hall to the door. She communicated calmly that she needed to get out of there. I did have to walk her back to the table to get her coat and she cried and started to panic a bit, but when she understood that momma knew what she needed and we were on our way out..she stopped crying. In fact by the time we reached home, she was "chatting" about the experience from her car seat as I drove. Daddy and I were trying to analyze just what could have made her uncomfortable. We will probably never know, but we have a large gift certificate for this restaurant so..we are going to keep practicing.

Really, she is just so amazing and watching her taking on the world is just a joy. Being able to take care of her and having her trust me is such a tremendous privilege. It is one that puts me right at the center of God's will for my life. Daily I feel God asking me..are you willing to lay down your life for hers? Daily...I say resoundingly YES!! What a special gift she is to us!

Look..

Look who moved the chair from the dining room table so she could get to her food cabinet..

Great problem solving if you ask me.

She is constantly checking that cabinet making sure she has food in there. Momma constantly tells her that she will always have food here when she is hungry. She's just checking and using the chair to do it. What a smart little peanut she is and strong. That is one heavy wooden chair but she pushes it right in the kitchen scooting it over the carpet a few steps at a time. She keeps us on our toes that is for sure. Always in to something this girl is.. We love it.

Together

One of my favorite things about Christmas is the long break without school everyday. I love having my big girl home with us. We took our little peanut swimming the last day of break and man did she love having her sissy in the pool with her..

This is probably the longest she was still the entire 90 minutes. :)

Jillian loves her some water.

She runs the perimeter of that pool the entire time we are there.

Taking her swimming is the best $3 I spend all week.


So much joy for one little life I tell ya.
One blessed momma.

The Diagnosis

We saw the doctor this morning. He was wonderful, thorough, kind and he took a comprehensive look at our girl and her skills. He decided that an autism diagnosis was appropriate. I'm not going to lie..I cried right there. Cried because I love her so much and I just don't want things to be hard for her. She has had such a burden to carry already in her short little life and honestly if I could just keep her home, safe, and protected forever..I would.

The good news is that she is going to get lots of amazing help. So many programs that are cutting edge, research based, and incredible are available to us right here in our area. God knew that. God knew that here she would get exactly what she needed in our family. Resting in knowing that He is control and that He has a huge plan for this little lady's life. A plan that will bring great glory to His name. Trusting that. Leaning on that.

She Can Do It

Not knowing what to expect when I brought home this little beauty-who couldn't yet walk, eat, or handle being off the bed in our hotel room without a major meltdown-makes how she is changing even more special.

REMEMBER....
She didn't smile, didn't make any noises, and never even attempted to communicate with us. She didn't touch toys, never looked in our eyes, and was covered in bed sores. She didn't want to be touched, turned away when we tried to hug her, and leaned away when I carried her. It was too much for her to take a bath, go on a walk, or be in any environment she was unfamiliar with...When I think about this, I am blown away by the enormity of it all...There have been days on this journey that I thought these milestones that I am about to report might never come. There have been moments that I thought this little treasure's heart would never heal..and while we have such a long way to go...She has come so far.

I use the word miracle so often as I write and talk about her. I hope I haven't overused it so much that you are now numb to the meaning of the word...OUR GIRL IS A MIRACLE!! Truly, I never dreamed that we would be witness to such! God has invited us on this journey as we watch her past, the hard things she has experienced, the loss, heartache..all be redeemed slowly by Him..I am blown away by the beauty of it all. I have never in my short life been able to be a part of something that has connected me so closely with the Lord. I have never had to rely on Him so helplessly as I have journeyed through anything else. What a privilege being a momma to this babe is..a privilege and a miracle..

I just wanted to share with you some of the things that she has mastered in the last month. She is so much less fearful and so much more trusting. I am able to correct her, stretch her, encourage her only as a momma can and she is responding..learning so much..growing into such a wonderful daughter. Learning that this place is safe, forever, and that she belongs in it.

So here goes..

1. She can roll a ball back and forth five or six times with me.
2. She can climb up anything that doesn't move.
3. She will "drink" from a spoon.
4. She sits in my lap during every family meal time.
5. She enjoys listening to the praise music in the sanctuary. She can sit for nearly an hour on my lap listening and clapping.
6. She snuggles up next to me each morning when she wakes often laying in my arms for 30 minutes in a tight hug.
7. She can clap and does it all the time. It was so funny when she discovered she could do it.
8. She can operate her light toys herself by pushing the button that makes them go!
9. She can stand on the stool in the bathroom and "wash" her hands with my help.
10. She can follow simple one step directions like sit down or put it in.
11. She is constantly seeking our attention. She always want in on the action.
12. She is very comfortable with all the people that come in our home and she immediatly interacts with them making her wants known. Usually she wants their water bottle or for them to swing or wrestle her.
13. She is comfortable in crowds as long as she is safe in her momma's arms. She will even get down to walk in a crowd as long as she is holding my hand and is in a familar environment.
14. She loves her daddy and always runs and screams with joy when he comes home.
15. She can wait a few minutes without getting upset.
16. She will hold a crayon in her hand and let momma move it to scribble.
17. She will come if you call her name.
18. She is eating lots of chunkier food and can gum it with the best of them.
19. She has gained a whopping ten pounds in eight months.
20. AND THE BEST NEWS YET...Momma has been working on getting her to feed herself. I have broken it down into small steps allowing her to master each one. Steps like..get comfortable with picking up the spoon, putting the spoon in the bowl, bringing the spoon to her mouth AND I am so thrilled to report that my baby girl is using a spoon to feed herself. Considering she had no clue how to eat, chew, swallow, or even allow a spoon in her mouth just seven months ago..JOY that she is conquering this! Watch her do it!





Please pray for us. There are big changes in the months ahead. She is turning three in just two months. Turning three means new therapists, programs, and environments..as we head into the public school for the first time. If I could choose, I wouldn't want her in public school..I must admit. This makes my swallowing it even harder, but I am praying for wisdom as I charter this unknown territory. We also have an important medical appointment tomorrow with a developmental pediatrician. We are hoping this can shed a bit more light on our girl and what we can do to help her.

Busy, Busy

These days my little girl is busy..busy..busy. It is so normal and so good to have her running at full force and grabbing hold of life with both hands. She seems so secure..so much more attached..so incredibly connected..that it just continues to amaze me. She has come so far. There has been so much progress made in the last month. I have so much to update and so many pictures to load, but she is keeping me so busy that finding the time has been hard..

I have just had the most beautiful day with her and so I am sharing these pictures even though I have many older ones I should share first... I can't help myself. She is just too cute.

Woo Hoo!! That garland is gone and I can climb again!

She's clapping up a storm.


I came around the corner to find her
modeling sissy's size 11 converse.

She got a new sensory bin for Christmas and loves going to town in the beans.

Joy..true joy!

I wonder if she ever felt safe before she came home. I wonder if she ever laughed or smiled. I wonder if she ever felt truly loved the way she seems to feel now. I wonder so much..but as I wonder I just give thanks with an overflowing heart that she is mine and now she is doing all of that and more! God is so good and I am so lucky to have this treasure home.

Just a Swinging..

Look who loves her new swing that Daddy mounted in the door frame. It is the same kind of platform swing she loves to use in her therapy sessions at Easter Seals and having one at the house has been wonderful!! Just look at that smile...

Being able to devote thirty minutes each morning to swinging her is such a blessing and something that this momma doesn't ever take forgranted. Thanking Jesus that I am able to be home so that I don't miss these faces and her joy!

Speechless

The joy of these beautiful days has left me speechless. Truly speechless..
Being a mother is by far the greatest gift that God has ever given me and my girls are such a huge blessing. Love seeing them together this year and experiencing Christmas together. God is so good and I am blessed to know Him!

Sadness

I have been exceedingly happy in the last few weeks. I love, love, love to have my house filled with many (which happened much last week) people. I love the lights, the decoration, the cookie making, the music, the ultimate gift of a Savior that we celebrate this season. Having our Jillian home to experience it all with us has just provided this momma with a happiness so big that I find it hard to describe.

Happiness has been so present in the last weeks...still there is a sadness that is ever present in my heart because this Christmas millions of children don't know this happiness. Millions of children still sit and wait for a family. It literally shatters my heart in a million pieces to think of. Children as valuable and precious as my girl..without a daddy's arms to hold them and without a momma's touch to tuck them in. Children without hope of ever having a family to call their own.

I am broken for these children. Broken and begging God to allow me to do more this year. God chose Jillian for us. He meant her to be ours out of the millions of children waiting..she belongs with us. Could you have a child God set apart for you? Could there be something you could do to welcome a boy or girl in His name?

I can't even begin to tell you the blessings God has bestowed upon us this year because of this little girl resting at my feet as I type. Giggling and batting her hands inside the large, green bowl she drug out of the kitchen cabinet. It all seems so surreal that she is here and she is ours..but this Christmas this is our miracle. It is our girl being home and growing so much, learning so much, and living joyfully with hope each and everyday..because God showed her to us and called us to be her family..What could God be showing you this Christmas? Is your miracle waiting there..just waiting for you to say yes?

Doing the Dishes?

One of my favorite things to do when Emily was little was to have her in the kitchen with me. I let her "help" with everything and Jillian is no different. In the last week, this special girl has spent so much time with me in there including doing the dishes..

Water? Is this for real?

Hanging out here in this water is awesome fun!
This brush feels so funny.

It's stuck! Hmmm..

Whoa there it goes! Wheee!!

Happy! So happy! All three of us were in the kitchen surrounding her as she played. We are so happy to have her here. So happy to surround her every momment and just marvel at all the wonder in her eyes. I am so blessed to have this family. We are truly happy and I can't imagine life without this treasure in it. So funny it seems like she has been here forever.

The Answer to the Question

Since saying that we are very open to adopting again, so many people have asked me if I think I can care for another little one. The answer to that question is always on my heart..always. The words however are not always there to explain. The truth is I know it will be hard and I don't always know for sure that I will be able to do it. Last night, I lay in bed with a million thoughts mulling in my mind and the answer from my heart's perspective swirling there so clearly that I got up and prayed.

Prayed about the answer.

Prayed about my response to God's calling.

Prayed that I would hear His voice clearly and be able to answer to Him in a manner worthy of the one who made me.

So here is what is on my heart. It is mostly for me to read again and again and again when I am discouraged or unsure..but I am sharing it here in case God might speak to you through it...Here goes..

There are 147 million orphans around the world that go to bed at night without a momma to tuck them in, without a daddy to turn out the light, without sisters to snuggle next to. I have seen the orphan with my own eyes..malnourished, neglected, bed sore ridden, infected, dirty. AND I love the orphan because she is my daughter. I cannot stand before the Lord one day and pretend that I didn't see them. I can't stand before Him who made me and make excuses about why I saw them and didn't do more. I can't say to Him..it would have been too hard or stressful. I can't say to Him..it was just too much to care for the first one you gave me. I can't because I want to give Jesus all that I am. I want to be about making much of Him not about choosing what is easiest or even seemingly best for me.

He says in the word in Isaiah that we are to defend the cause of the fatherless and in James that pure religion is to visit the orphan and widow in their distress. My part of this is to adopt. Adoption is not every one's calling, but everyone is called to do something. Adoption just happens to be the way I feel God is calling me to fulfill these commands. It seems crazy. It seems unwise, but God willing I am waiting for Him to bring me more to care for in His name because I want these children, who are precious in His sight, to know the love of a family so that ultimately they can have a chance to know the love of their Heavenly Father, accept the gift of His Son, and spend an eternity in Heaven with Him.

I count it a privilege to be able to mother my little one and though at times it has been very hard..I have JOY! Joy because this is exactly where God has called me to be. So I continue to walk by faith and wait for His hand showing me the way to go. Maybe He will shut every door to adding children to our family right now or maybe He will ask us to do something even crazier that we never dreamed or imagined. I am open. Open to what He wants even if it seems a little crazier because I love Him and this love is just too wonderful not to share with more.

The Toughest Task Yet

Yesterday, I faced the toughest task of this adoption journey yet. That was getting my almost teenager to agree to wear elf pajamas that match her two year old sister for Christmas pictures. BUT OH BE STILL MY HEART..these two are so darn adorable together in their matching pjs.

Secretly sissy loved having pics with Jill in these pjs. Though she is protesting it this very moment and doesn't want this picture posted..Growing up is hard to do.

Isn't this the chubbiest elf you've ever seen?

Hard to believe she was significantly underweight just seven months ago.
A precious gift is our girl.

Who can stand that smile?

Such a sweet, sweet face.

We love this baby so very much!

I wonder what it is like for her to constantly have three white people following her around, taking pictures of her, and making a big fuss over her. Does she wonder what in the world is so special? She is so special and we are so blessed this holiday season to have her home and in our arms.

Mommy's Little Helper

Here she is helping me in the kitchen. Truth be told..she loves to watch the stand mixer go round and round. She will stand on the chair at the counter and watch me use all the utensils while smiling as she watches that mixer. She's even wearing the little apron that used to be Emily's that matches mine. Every little girl needs an apron that matches her momma's. Right?

So so cute...this little peanut is a huge blessing.

She even rolled the peanut butter ball mixture in her hand for a while. I absolutely love having a little one in the kitchen with me again. I know that these moments will be gone all too soon. So this time around..I am embracing every mess, every extra minute, every smile, all the wonder..and I LOVE IT!!! Hope you are taking the time to enjoy these moments in your house this season. Peanut butter balls don't last long at my house so we'll be whipping up another batch here soon.

I Wondered About Her

Sitting with this little bundle in my lap as Christmas music filled the air in our sanctuary, I shed a tear as I wondered this Christmas..

Does the woman, a half a world away who gave you life, think of you everyday?

Does she mourn the daughter that she will never know?

Does she imagine your laugh or your smile?

Did she ever dream that you would be mine, living in America?

Did she know that when she made the ultimate sacrifice and surrendered you, that she was giving me the greatest gift of my life?

I wonder about her and at times it makes me cry. I can't imagine my life without Jillian and I can't imagine the circumstances the she must have faced that caused her to make the ultimate, loving sacrifice and give up her child. I pray for her all the time..Jillian's birth mother. I pray that she has peace. I pray that her heart knows the Lord and that one day in heaven I will meet her and thank her for giving me this precious, priceless gift.

Her First Party

She went to her first party. OH YES SHE DID!! The church staff Christmas party was tonight and she was there. She ate a little, played with a new toy there, and (despite her face in this picture) enjoyed herself. I never dreamed. I never imagined..so much success this week. So many typical things that we have been able to enjoy together. It's a wonderful feeling. I even got to eat some of the yummy food myself. She is miracle..a real miracle. Daddy commented about how she just needs to be able to get into a new place and eat. Then she can be comfortable. It's so true. Eating is a predictable routine. It is an activity that she is familiar with and one in which she knows exactly what to expect. While she is eating, she has time to get used to her new surroundings and after she is done..she can enjoy the new place a bit more. She pretty much hung out in the kitchen, but people came in and out sitting by her a spell and visiting and she did fine. Just fine! It is so good!

What a Day..

Her first snow.

Praying that we never loose the magic that comes with all of our baby's firsts. I hope that we never take for granted the fact that each moment, each experience is a precious gift from God.

(She loved the snow, but transitioning to a heavier coat is not so easy. She was really unhappy to not be wearing the flower jacket this morning, but it is so chilly that the spring jacket has got to go. I hope she gets used to the new one soon. She wouldn't even play in the nursery next door at church this morning because she was still distressed about having to wear that coat to get there. She just walked to the door and motioned to go home. :( Daddy says to just keep the light coat on her, but this momma thinks it is too cold for that. We'll see how it goes.)

Numbers..I Hate Them

I am processing a lot this past week. So much is swirling in my head and mulling in my heart. I have started a post several times and then deleted it. Typed, then retyped some more only to stare at a blank page again. God is doing so much. Speaking so clearly and at times it leaves me spinning.

Monday started with therapy last week and numbers. Which leads me to this..I hate numbers..Assessment numbers that is-hate them...Age equivalent scores are down right evil if you ask me. These numbers for my baby girl are still so very low and all those blasted numbers do are turn my eyes from the Lord and leave me asking questions. Will I ever hear her sweet voice say "I love you momma"? Will she ever be able to dress herself? Will she read? Will she have to attend public school? Will she... all things that I have struggled with all week. Struggling not because I am not willing to embrace the answer to each of these questions being not what I hoped, but struggling because it is all so unknown. Struggling because in my mind, I want to have a plan for the future. I want to be in control. One thing the Lord continues to teach me is that I may not see my dreams for her this side of eternity. One more thing is for sure, He is in control and I am not. He continues to teach me that He is the ultimate reality maker. His reality for my baby girl may not match this momma's dreams for her, but His plan is that her life, and our part in it, bring Glory to His name. Ultimately, that is what I want to live for-to bring glory to Him who made me and my baby girl. If she never speaks..God is still good. If she never reads..God is still good. If she never gets to attend the special, christian school we love so much..God is still good. I will still love Him. I will still serve Him and I will still obey Him walking by faith into this unknown future that I can't see. A future that is filled with joy and abundant love because He has allowed our Jillian to be in it with us.

I Watched You Sleeping..

Dearest Baby Girl,
Today I watched you sleep. I listened to you take each breath. I watched you suck your thumb intently all curled up in a ball..your bare toes peeking out from underneath your tucked in legs.
I watched you and love overflowed from my heart. I watched you and I wished that every child could have a mother to watch them sleep. I wished that we didn't have to leave any behind. I wished that no children would have to live another minute as an orphan living in an institution. I wished every child could have a mommy and daddy who could spend the chilly morning at the park with them just like you had this morning. My heart breaks over it so often..the ones left behind. I cry out to God for them and wish it could be different. My child loving you has changed me. Loving you has given me such a deeper perspective of what matters. Loving you has left my heart raw in ways that I never imagined. I am grateful to you. Grateful for the way that you continue to open my eyes to the ways of the Lord and His call to care for the fatherless. At 27 pounds, you have so much power over my heart. I love you deeply and am beyond blessed to have you sleeping upstairs. Beyond blessed that God opened my eyes and my heart to you and that you are my daughter.

38?

For twenty-one years, I have been putting candles on the cake for this man. I can't believe that I have been lucky enough to call him mine since I was fourteen, but here we are..celebrating his 38th birthday. By God's grace, we are still together and I love him more today then I did then. I am not sure how it all passed by so quickly..seems to sneak up on you.
Here he is with his girls. Jillian really liked the candles, fire, and smoke. Thirty-eight candles create a lot of smoke. She "chased" that smoke right over the table trying to catch it. Precious. We are blessed to call this man ours and even more blessed that he leads our family in such a Godly manner. (Notice a store bought cake. Momma with a two year old doesn't have time to make a homemade cake..sad, but true. Daddy still ate it up though.)

Sweet Memories