Time has gone by so fast since Gotcha Day ten months ago.
Look at that smile.
Seems like she could get used to having birthdays.
Look at those candles..
Ready, Set, Blow..
I think she was wondering..What is this thing?
She did amazingly well with the gifts. Grandma put them all in one bag and she reached in and grabbed them all out. She had lots of stuff in that giant bag and she wasn't a bit afraid of all her new stuff. This is such wonderful news as Christmas was rough for her because of all the new things around her. Today she seemed to enjoy Grandma and Uncle A's gifts to her.
Her favorite gift was a watering can. She is carrying that thing everywhere.
Another highlight of the day for her was playing on Uncle Anthony's walker. He's done with it after his foot surgery and it now resides in our living room as Jillian's personal jungle gym.
She is overjoyed about this and won't let anyone else near it. She's been waiting for Uncle A to finish with it and now finally it's all hers. Look at this cool watering can!
I made her this little birthday outfit. I tried my hand at applique.
She really had an incredible day.
She is such a joy and we are so blessed to have her home this year.
I have a wide range of emotions today. I have cried already..happy tears as I watch my baby girl accomplishing so much as we are sorting pegs this morning. I have jumped for joy and sung to her as she was waking up with a chubby yawn and her thumb in her mouth. I have felt a sense of urgency as I mixed her cupcakes and got them in to bake. I have felt mystified at God's great plan and that I am preparing for this day at all.
Why is today so emotional? Today..Today is her birthday. Today is her first birthday though she is turning three. The first birthday that she matters. The first birthday she is home with a family who is crazy in love with her. Oh to be able to put into words all that is in my heart seems beyond my reach this morning. Just a short year ago this little one was a number among 147 million. An orphan. BUT today..today she is a birthday princess. A three year old who is treasured..who has a cake lovingly prepared by her momma waiting..who has a sister to sing her happy birthday..who has a daddy to video it all..who has grandparents to buy her gifts..and a place where she belongs. Beautiful that God has let this happen to us. Even more beautiful that I get to enjoy it.
The big sis had a negative attitude about this photo shoot. Looks like she's enjoying herself though. She loves her sister..truly she does love her sister.
Where did this stuff come from?
This is Tuesday.... Sunny, windy, and warm. Near 70 degrees. Notice the spring jacket. Jillian transitioned easily to a different coat today! YEAH!!
She is noticing so much more. She is even motioning toward things like the geese and the water.
She would love to dive right in.
Look at her going down the slide by herself! By herself?
I never dreamed that after five months of coaxing..she would be doing it by herself.
She even sits at the top without any help and gets ready for me to watch her.
She looks so grown in her 3T coat. She wore only 12 mos just 10 months ago when we brought her home. AMAZING how she has grown. She loves the fresh air and the wind so much!
70 degrees was a wonderful surprise and a good reason to visit the park indeed! There is nothing better in this world than a morning at the park with my baby girl!
In less than a few days, my sweet treasure will turn three. Turning three means loosing lots of therapy services. Services that have supported us and helped her grow so much. Currently, she gets about 120 minutes of therapy a week and I am grateful. After next week, she will get about 30 minutes a week. School districts are about school not therapy and so switching from EI to school means lost services. I get that. Because of this, I have also continued to be extremely thankful for the fact that I have so much experience in this field. I do have some knowledge about what to do with her and how. I have logged my share fair of clinical hours treating lots of treasures with the same diagnosis and as a result I have designed home programing for her that is helping her grow. I love being my baby's number one ally. Still, the reduction of services is not something that I want to happen. Yet, it has seemed inevitable this week as I have filled out paperwork, made phone calls, and contacted anyone I could think of to try to find some supplements for her therapy services. Everywhere I turned the door was slammed in my face so to speak. Still, I have to admit..I haven't really been worried. I can't deny that God's hand is on this baby's life and I felt Him whisper to my heart several times this week..you are enough because you have ME! I continued to search for help and have gone down several roads, but have not felt desperate or panicked for one minute.
AND TODAY..today I got a call from Easter Seals that said they have agreed to keep seeing my baby girl. She is going to get to continue with the amazing therapists that she has had in EI for the last nine months. She is going to get to continue in the first place that has been so important to her progress. I am praising God for this turn of events and for the way He has never left this precious girl's side. He is in control of each and every one of her days. I can rest in knowing that. I can rest in knowing that each of her days, each moment of progress, all of it is written in His book already. WHEW! So glad that His plans for her include staying on at Easter Seals a while longer...I just know it is important for her and can't wait to see where the next nine months take us. Praising God today for this good news and for this precious little life He has given us.
If God lined up all the babies born on March 9, 2009 in China and told me that I could choose..I would choose you again and again and again. So blessed that you are mine. So blessed to have a front row seat as God breaks through all those walls in your heart and restores you little by little. I love being your momma. Though I don't deserve for one minute the gift of you..I accept it and treasure you praising God for His goodness each and every day! As I pray over you each night, I know that God has a plan for you that is beyond my wildest dreams and that your life sweet girl, and my part in it, is meant to bring much glory to Him who made us both and brought us together. I never grow tired of seeing that smile, hearing you laugh, or watching the sparkle that is now present in your eyes. Treasured. You are treasured.
Hard to believe my baby has finished her seventh grade basketball season. She is so grown. There are days, many days, that it breaks this momma's heart to see her so grown. I long to just sit a while and savor this time as I know she will be gone from us all too soon. What an amazing young woman she is growing into and one that this momma is so proud of.
She had a very successful season and was recognized at the sports banquet on Friday. She was the team's leading scorer and considering the kid couldn't even dribble the ball when she started playing at the ripe old age of three..she's come along way. Her daddy is so happy to coach her team and is so proud of her too!
Jillian even made it through the awards ceremony so I got to see the presentation. As soon as her daddy went to the podium she was alert and listening cause that was her daddy's voice up there. When he called Emily's name to come up for her award, Jillian shouted out and embarrassed Em. Jill knew that was her sister's name and that she was walking up front. It was her way of saying WAY TO GO SISSY! YOU ROCK!! You do rock as a bball player and big sis! Love you my big girl! Love you oh so much!
Saturday was the Connecting Hearts to the Forgotten Conference. This is an amazing, free event to encourage the believer to care for the orphan through fostering, advocating, and adopting. I set out for this conference with our second adoption in mind. I was heading there to get a word..a direction from God about where to go next and how.
As I drove, Satan was on the attack hard and heavy in my head. Making me doubt, bringing fear, and causing me to question whether or not we could really do this adoption thing again. I will admit..he was beginning to get to me despite all that I know about God and all that He has done for me so far. I was beginning to doubt myself. If we had no way to pay for an adoption a year ago..we really have no way to pay for an adoption now. How in the world will this ever happen? How will I be able to leave Jillian to travel to our new child? How can I go through the wait again? When will I have time to get a dossier together with a toddler home?
God must have been looking down with love thinking..you silly child of mine. Don't you remember? Don't you remember who I am? Don't you remember I am in control? I love the orphan and desire for your next daughter to be home in a family..your family. Don't you trust me to do it? It's not about you at all my dear one. (Insert my duh moment..here. I know this!! God has been faithful. Every. Single. Time. Every. Moment. Every. One. When will I stop clinging to the world and truly just remember? Fortunately, God is patient with me.)
Near the end of the conference..I was uplifted. I had listen to many amazing women (and a few men too) sharing their journeys, but still had not received the word or direction I was hoping for. The ministry fair was set up with many different agencies and was full of information about adoption programs that are in existence in lots of different countries... I searched and searched..prayed and prayed..even attended a session on fostering..No Word from God came about our next adoption.
Then near the end of the conference I was talking with a friend who asked if my heart was in China? Yes, my heart is definitely in China, but the mountains are stacked against us going there again. While we have ample funds to modestly meet the needs of raising another child, China's income minimum is absolutely beyond our reach now that I stay home. But isn't God able to move mountains? Can't He fulfill the desires of your heart somehow? Of Course, He can. So I have the name of an agency that goes to bat for waivers from China's "rules" for prospective couples and hope that just maybe God will see it fit to move the mountains that seem to be standing between us and another Chinese daughter. Praying..Hoping..that this is God's desire for our family as well as mine. I love the Chinese orphan. I love special needs adoption and I am willing to go again. We have room in our hearts and family for at least one more. Praying that the Lord will open all the doors and soon we will be on this crazy journey once again!
I had a meeting with the school district this morning. My Jillian will turn three in just two weeks. (Just saying it makes me want to run scared as fast as I can in the opposite direction.) At three, she must be released from Early Intervention (EI) and be placed under the care of the special education department that is a part of my town's public school. I have a bit of a negative attitude about this transition..ok, I'll admit it...I have a big, bad attitude about this transition.
There are several reasons for this..
1. I have been a special education teacher in the public school for the past thirteen years of my life and quite frankly most of that time I felt like I was on a battleground. I was constantly fighting for the rights of my students when I felt they weren't being given what they needed or deserved. Most of the time, the battles were minor but frequently they were big. Many times it left me wounded and disappointed in a system that is supposed to be about doing right for kids. I don't mean to be mellow dramatic, but maybe I am. I just know from experience that this special education road can be bumpy and unpleasant. Having this much experience and knowing this much has tainted my "glasses" a bit and caused me to be sceptic where special education is concerned. I want better for my daughter. I want her to have the best..what she deserves..I worry that this might not be available to her because of the fact that she is going to be an IEP student. Personally, I don't want her education to be a fight, but I am passionate about her and am willing to fight if I must.
2. My dealings with Early Intervention officials so far have been less than positive most of the time. I haven't always felt that they understood my girl. I haven't always felt that they took into account the unique circumstances of her life. They didn't always make me feel like they valued who she is and where she has come from. Those who shuffled her paperwork always seemed to be about doing the least amount of work, spending the least amount of time for her, and challenging most of what I thought was best for her. This isn't to say that we didn't have amazing therapists..we have had, but the higher powers that be in EI have made things a bit more disappointing. At times, it made me doubt my decisions and second guess what I held to be true about what is best for my baby girl.
3. I am most comfortable with what I know. Emily goes to a small private school and in my heart of hearts this is where I would send all my kids in a perfect world. Perfect for me though not the best choice for everyone I know.
Taking all of this history into account, I head off to this meeting a bit apprehensive and very nervous about how it will go. My girl looks scary in those exit reports written by her old therapists. It's not their faults because truly they have been amazing. My baby is just really, really low. I know that when another professional sees her on paper it is going to be hard to see past those low, low scores. So I worry. I pray. I go to the meeting ready for the worst.
AND GUESS WHAT?
I sat in a small room with four professional women around a table. My sweet daughter made it about 20 minutes of that time before leaving with her daddy. I signed papers (on the parent line) and talked with these ladies about my baby girl.
Then, I leave the meeting with the feeling that these professionals working in the public school truly care about my baby. BECAUSE..They spent time asking about who she is and affirming the fact that she has had a difficult start. They played with her. Pursued her. Reaffirmed me. They even teared up as I talked about all she has been through. The speech professional who attended even adopted and we were able to talk shop as far as international adoptions go. They mention to me that because of all that I am doing with her and the knowledge I have..it could be best to keep her home a while. The psych shared that working one on one with her and providing all the therapeutic activities that I do could be best for her versus being in school. I can give her my undivided attention and she is making huge gains she assures me! She asked questions about bonding and attaching (another concern I continually have about school and my sweet thing being away from me) and then I see in this kind woman's eyes that she really understands (and I completely agree with all that she said). They love all that we are doing to work on skills and love that I socialize her so much. They commend me for the way that we are raising our precious one and best of all...the psychologist says that sending her off to school may not be the best option now, but when it is they have several ideas of places she could attend. I can visit each one and make the decision about which one is best for her.
Then, I share this is 100% how I feel. She isn't ready to be in a school setting during the day yet. This is exactly how I think. This is the issue that has caused me grief for months and one that the EI powers that be made me doubt on a regular basis. I leave feeling like these professionals are for my baby girl not against her and that I am a huge part of deciding what is best for her..not paperwork or funding or the amount of time it will take to work out a plan. They are in this for her and will work with me to do what's best for her!!
Relief. That's what this momma is feeling. Also guilt. My bad attitude for the last few months about this event does not glorify God. Repentive. History is just that history. Time for another new beginning for my baby girl.
I have been begging her for months to hold these in her hand. She hated it at first. She couldn't stand to touch them let alone make a mark with them.
Now look at her go to town...I don't think she has quite decided if the right or left is best.
So determined..
She even sat at the table in the nursery today next to a friend and colored for a few minutes. On Tuesday, she sat in the craft area at the library and made the craft (with lots of help from momma) with the other story time kiddos. I am blown away at how far she has come.
She always claps for herself when she is done. She is even understanding momma's praise and seeks it out for her job well done. It is so darn cute!
Her latest work of art...
the dining room wall.
That's right...
She is so comfortable picking up those writing utensils that she decided this wall was her canvas. Too funny!! I did teach her to use these so I only have myself to blame. :)
This morning was hard. Hard because my sweet treasure melted down..completely down. It is so hard to watch her crying, screaming, and thrashing for over an hour. The first 30 minutes I can hang in pretty well. I try to stay calm, meditate on scripture, pray, and sing..but when she starts banging her head on the floor I always weep heavy over her. I wish there was something I could do for her. I wish that I could understand her need and help. I don't quite know what to do for her yet and I may never know. She may never be able to tell me what is happening and how she is feeling. This is the hard part...never knowing why and the fact that there is no sure fire "recipe" to help her come out of it. Today it just had to run it's course and I had to make sure she was safe. She was exhausted after it was over. She's sleeping soundly now. I praise God for that and pray that He continues to give me the strength and wisdom I need to be the best momma I can be to this little treasure.
We love us some basketball at our house. Daddy coaches Darling Kiddo's junior high team at her school and it has been an awesome week for her team. They won their regional game and are headed to the state tournament next Saturday! We are so excited because we are crazy about basketball and winning is fun! My girl has turned into quite a player these days. She looks so big and so grown up out there that it is hard to remember the chubby three year old who couldn't even dribble. She has turned into such a great player and while this isn't her most important attribute for us to cultivate as we shape her into a Godly woman..we love ball so much that it is so rewarding to see her being successful!
She scored 13 points on Friday and she loves, loves, loves to play. She has gained so much confidence and watching her daddy coach her just makes me happy inside!
Oh yes she did...Jillian let me put her hair in piggy tails. It is getting longer ever day and my is it at that messy growing out stage. Can't wait until when it is long enough to really put up and she will finally sit nicely for a good haircut. Until then, we will just have to settle for this hairdo. The three of us were all surrounding her in her room last night. Big Sis with the camera, daddy with his camera phone, and momma with her flashlight trying to get a smile out of her. She must think we are all nuts. Of Course sissy said..You're going to blog about this aren't you? Yes, sweet one..I AM!
Great shot of the piggies..
Oh Be Still My Heart..She's so cute! Hair bows here we come!
Really, you would have thought I was vacationing in Hawaii. My face exuded joy and I beamed this morning as I walked the aisles at Walmart. In fact, I stuck out so much..I had a fellow momma approach me as if to say..I have never seen a momma so happy to be at Walmart with her little one. (It's true! I was really approached.)
This morning...my Jillian rode in the grocery cart at Walmart!!!!
That's right!! She was in the cart-standing in the basket-while I pushed it back to grab a box of diapers. This is huge! This is incredible. This is reason to rejoice, scream, shout, and dance shamelessly in acknowledgment of the Lord's great power in helping this little treasure overcome her fear!! Remember with me friends that ten months ago she couldn't even walk in a store in my arms without a major breakdown. A breakdown lasting hours after we left at times. She wouldn't go near a cart without screaming in anguish. Slowly, she has become familiar with the social routines of shopping while safe in her momma's arms. Slowly, we have explored different stores in said arms and purchased one or two items. Slowly, the breakdowns while entering the stores and having to wait to pay have lessened. Slowly, she has even become sure enough of the environment that she is able to get down and walk a bit. Finally, she is more comfortable with the sights, sounds, and faces of strangers as we shop. She is trusting me more and more.
AND TODAY...
Today she got in the cart!
She was in the cart throughout most of the store. She was anxious a bit, but she held it together. This means a whole new life routine has opened up to us..grocery shopping with a list. I don't know if she is ready to join me for my weekly grocery outings yet, but she is getting closer.
Ten months ago, I took so much for granted. I would have never teared up over the fact that my daughter was able to ride in a grocery cart and I would have certainly never been so happy to be running an errand at Walmart, BUT this little baby has changed my perspective so much. Each experience is a HUGE victory allowed by the Lord to bring glory to God through her life. Each new day..a chance to see His redemptive power working through her. Oh, I am so blessed to be able to be a part of it.
The biggest thing I have discovered is that when I started this journey, I often thought about how much this little baby would need me, but was so oblivious to how much we really needed this little baby. She has shown me so much, changed me so much, expanded my heart so much..a miracle is my baby girl indeed. She is a miracle that God is not through redeeming yet and I am praying for His continued healing of her heart!
Dearest Baby Girl.. Today the Lord reminded me just how brave you are..how resilient..how wonderful. We had therapy in a different room than usual and while you were extremely nervous, anxious, and sensitive to all that was new around you..You eventually overcame and had some fun with momma's help. How you trust me sweet one and look to me to meet your needs is just one of the greatest blessings of my life. You glazed over initially in this new space, got your coat, took momma to the door, and began to cry. You let me come to you, hold you, and calm your fears. Then in desperation, we turned to sensory play Miss M and I..swinging you by your hands and feet and crashing your body into the mat and you laughed..It was a small and reserved laugh at first. The kind of laugh that seems to accidentally slip out even when joy seems fleeting. Suddenly as if the flood gates let loose..you smiled and really laughed. You gave us your eyes and overcame your fear because you felt safe there with me. You trusted me. After that you were all smiles and engaged Miss M and I for nearly thirty minutes swinging, putting rings on the sorter, and playing peek-a-boo in the mirror. You are so brave and I am so blessed to watch you overcoming your hurt taking on the world a little bit at a time. I have been thinking a lot about what it must have been like for you to live without the love and support of a family those first two years of your life. I have been thinking about how it must have just been easier for you to hide inside yourself and refuse the world. You don't have to do that anymore. Praising God that you are home with us now and that you have a family to help you feel safe and that by God's grace you are overcoming the things that have kept you in darkness and isolation for so long. I love you and I will fight for you all the days of my life. You are a blessing and a true treasure. Take on the world baby girl and momma will be standing right by your side cheering you on every step of the way! To God be the glory!! Momma
One of the best things I can do for my little peanut is provide her with lots of opportunity for sensory play. Sensory play basically excites her senses, exercises them, gives input, and helps to organize her. It also helps her overcome her sensory deficiencies. Lots of kiddos with autism have sensory processing deficits and given my baby girl's lack of stimulation for the first two years of her life..she just didn't get the input that she needed as a babe to develop those brain sensors. This is a big part of why she is so anxious in new situations and so hesitant to try new things. Touching a crayon is terrifying to her because she has tactile defensiveness. Overcoming it means providing her with lots of tactile activities that give her the input and experiences she needs. Playing in the sink full of water and bubbles is great to awaken her senses and lessen her tactile defensiveness. (And she thinks it's a load of fun these days!) I remember the first time I introduced her to water. She hated taking a bath. Having the water touch her was way too much input and she would scream bloody murder the entire time. She loves the water now. She even loves bubbles though "bath foam" is a whole other story. We are working on tolerating that shaving cream texture on her skin and hands these days during bath time therapy.
She enjoys playing with her toys in the water too. When I first got these toys out during bath time, she was terrified and wouldn't even look at them let alone touch them. Now these little guys spend many hours in the water with her riding in boats, jumping over the edge of the tub, and squirting water from their squirt holes. Oh, we have come so far my friends.
She gets that little stool off the shelf each morning for our sink play. She carries it to the sink and places it in front so that it is just right. Then she climbs on and goes at it. There is always lots of water everywhere, but that smile and a little fun is worth mopping up a bit.
I wish you were here in our living room so that you could really see the joy that this little treasure radiates. I wish you could hear her laugh, a deep belly kind of laugh, like she does when her daddy plays with her. I wish you could see how her sister loves on her every time that she walks by her.I wish you could see my JOY each time she gives me a hug! I wish I could describe to you by typing something the change that has happened in her little heart since coming home. I wish that you could see for yourself that this orphan, once left alone, is now alive and well in this family. I wish I could tell you with adequate words thank you for giving so this could happen for her. I wish that I could express to you the amazing gift that you gave to us when you donated and prayed for us as we were bringing her home. If you are ever tempted to think that you can't make a difference...If you ever feel overwhelmed by the need around you..REMEMBER..you made a huge difference in the life of this amazing little girl when you gave what you had to help her home to us.
You have forever blessed us by giving so that she could be ours. I haven't thanked you in a while...those of you who supported our adoption and helped us pay the ransom for our precious treasure are forever in my heart though. THANK YOU!! Thank you for giving to the Lord on our behalf. We are blessed beyond measure by your love and friendship!!
After nine months home, my little treasure is beginning to be secure enough to go out and participate in some typical activities! She is growing like a weed. Growing so much in fact that her pants are getting too short. I knew that there were some good clearance sales going on, but with Daddy gone four nights last week there was just no way to get out to look. Last night, it was just the two of us again. She has enjoyed going out so much lately that I decided to give it a try. This was the first shopping trip that I had attempted that wasn't about going in after one or two items and getting out fast. We went to one store first and browsed. While I looked at the clearance racks she stood (yes stood) right beside me. She didn't even need me to hold her. She walked around a little bit even and looked over some of the items. She never got anxious, never cried, never acted up..She even got away from me a bit, but always came right back when I told her to. The first store had nothing that I thought was clearanced enough and she did so well..I decided to try another store. Again, she was incredible..so cool..so calm..She may have even enjoyed it a bit. So I found her three new outfits and paid less than $20.00. Not garage sale prices, but ok none the less. The best part was she was there with me!!! And I'll tell you what..she is a showstopper. She gets so much attention when we are out. A Chinese baby is not the norm in these parts and she is so stinking cute. She's sporting one of those new sets today though I don't think she will ever be able to keep up any pair of pants because she just has no bottom to hold them up yet. She still needs a sz 18 mos and must have an adjustable waist. So different than my first girl who could hold her own at nearly twice that size when she was about to turn three. Love my tiny three year old, but dressing her is going to be a challenge with that tiny waist and long torso. Still, it was much easier to select sizes with her there and so much more fun!!! What out Daddy..she's a shopping girl now!
Yesterday I took my angel upstairs to lay her down for her nap. It was 1:00 like always when we made our way up the stairs to her room. I follow the same routine everyday. I change her diaper, lay her down, and rock beside her bed until she falls asleep. Usually, she goes to sleep very quickly. Not yesterday.. Yesterday, as I sat rocking doing my Bible study in her room that little peanut was sitting up looking me right in the eye and wearing a wide smile as she did it. Yesterday was a battle. I couldn't help, but smile to myself though because she gave me her eyes in those moments. She looked right into me as if to say...I'm not going to sleep.
I wrote this in the margin of my Bible study workbook.. I praise you God for this precious girl. I thank you above all else that it is my eyes that she is staring into right now instead of going to sleep. Thank you Lord that I'm not missing this. Thank you for the gift of these moments..each and every one!
I am so blessed to be home with her. So blessed to be the one to put her down each day even when putting her down for a nap is a battle. I was thinking today that autism has given me this blessed gift..pushed us over the edge of letting go of our American Dream and demanded that I stay home. Autism in that sense has been an incredible blessing as it has given me the desire of my heart..to stay at home to care for my family. God has used autism..though it seems like a trial...for good in our family's life already. I know He will continue to do that and much glory will be brought to His name through our Jillian's life.
Just like He always does..God has shown himself mighty to me through the generosity of others this week. I don't deserve it. I don't even begin to understand it, but God by His sovereignty has led others to overwhelm me with His love because of their generous sacrifice. $100 provided and I am registered for Hearts at Home. Hearts is an amazing mom's conference that happens each year in Normal that this year just seemed a bit out of reach living on one income. I wish I could tell you with adequate words what it means to be so loved by so many in the body of Christ. I simply have no words, but I do have a picture..a picture of Christ' s love for me as I continue to feel the love of so many in our congregation for us.
We are blessed. Blessed to know Him and blessed to be able to live in community with so many others who love us because they love Him. You mean so much to me. You have become as close as family and I am grateful for you-each and every one of you!
Grateful for the way you sneak cards and gifts of encouragement for me in my hubby's office. Grateful for the way that you share with us your time, talents, and love. Grateful for the way you agree to meet around my dining room table for Sunday School because my treasure is uncomfortable in the nursery. Grateful for the way you get up during my prayer to check on the noise in the kitchen (aka my treasure tearing through the drawers). Grateful for the way you pick her up and love her each time you pass. Grateful for the way you bring her light up gifts because you know she will like them. Grateful for the way you take her in your lap and let her shake your water bottle. Grateful for the way you email me throughout the week to keep me connected to the adult world. Grateful for your kind words and that you are always there for me. I am grateful for you all today! Each of you has a different face and God has used you all to meet my many needs in a thousand ways in the last four years that I have been lucky enough to worship with you.
Thank you for reaching out to me this week and showing me God's love. I am bent over in awe of your service to Him! Thanks for being the picture of Christ's love that I needed most this week and always.
She even stayed "with" us for more than twenty minutes.
If you love a child with autism, you know what I mean.
She even had some "language". She said mama as a word several times, which she hasn't done in months, when it was my "turn" to play the accordion. AND she made the swing sounds when she wanted to swing. Her therapist even said the words that this momma clings to each time someone even mentions them...her language may be coming. I lay awake at night praying that I will hear her voice someday. I have found that on this journey, God is teaching me to let go of my dreams for her a little at time so that I can fully embrace her and who He has for her to be. As I have slowly let go of things little by little, I find myself clinging with all my might to the parts that I have left in my heart. Speaking someday..Hearing her calling momma when she needs me..I haven't let it go yet. I petition God on a regular basis to let it happen..to break through all those walls in her mind and allow her to speak with clarity. I don't know if it is in His plans for her, but today was a good day and this momma is holding on to hope. Hope that someday she will be just a little less trapped than she is now and enjoy being in relationship with us more. Oh, how I love her and am blessed beyond measure that God has allowed her to be mine.
I just came across this beautiful, young girl's story last night. Oh My Word..IT BLESSED ME!!! She was minutes from aging out of the system when her family brought her home..out of loneliness, pain, hopelessness, and into the arms of her family. She has severe scoliosis and her diagnosis was grim. In fact without a family, this little precious, made in His sight girl would have been left to die. She has never received treatment for her spine and so over the years it continued to curve reducing her lung capacity, ability to walk, and quality of life. Then, this family found her in the niche of time and now she is home with them..mama (mother in Chinese), babba (father in Chinese), and two sisters. She is at this very moment undergoing some heavy and painful surgeries to fix that booboo in her back so that she can "match" everybody else(her words). If you have four minutes and a box of kleenex, watch the video above of this beautiful girl who by God's grace is now home with a christian family teaching her of Him. Her words are powerful and leave me crying out to the Lord...SEND ME AGAIN!!! Let me bring home more!!
Check out her mama's blog here to follow her story. She has a long road ahead of her as far as her back repair goes. Please pray for her. If you feel led, you can also send her a card of encouragement.
Evelyn (Xiaoyun) Willoughby c/o Kosairs Children’s Hospital 231 E. Chestnut St.Louisville, KY 40202
I spoke with a "special education professional" who handles the paperwork side of therapy for my treasure today. She actually said that she was sorry to hear about Jillian's autism. Maybe I am just way too sensitive today, but there is nothing to be sorry about. There is everything to be JOYFUL about because God created my baby girl just the way she is. He wired her and wove autism into her being. He makes no mistakes. He intended for her to be, think, feel, and react just the way she does. This diagnosis is not a surprise to Him and it is nothing to be sorry about. She is fearfully and wonderfully made and though she may not appear "typical" to most, she is exactly who and how God planned for her to be. There is no reason to be sorry for that..no reason to mourn BUT there is every reason to celebrate His wisdom in creating this little lady to be exactly who she needs to be in order to bring glory to His name. There is even more reason to celebrate because somehow in His wisdom He chose me to parent this special treasure though I am so undeserving. So..don't be sorry. Don't mourn. Celebrate and embrace my baby girl who was created by an all knowing, loving God who has a HUGE plan for her life.
Dear Jillian, I just wanted to tell you that as you lay on my chest sleeping last night I was overcome with love for you as I often am. I can't believe that God has chosen me to be your momma and I count it a joy to be able to take care of you everyday. I listened to your breathing as you lay on me in the dark and I felt your heart beating in rhythm and joy just over took my spirit in a way I can't explain. With all of the challenges that life has handed you so far, you are so full of happiness and are responding so well to being a part of our family. I am grateful to God that He gave you to us and that I get to spend the rest of your life walking alongside you as your momma. You have changed me in so many ways and continue to challenge me to reconsider what is most important. You are a feisty little spirit and I love watching you fighting out of the world that you seem so trapped inside of. Each moment that I get to gaze into your eyes or hold you close is such a treasured gift. One day it is my prayer that you will grow to understand and feel just how special you are and how very loved by us you are. Ultimately, I pray each night that this love will lead you to the love of the Heavenly Father and that one day we would all be together for eternity praising the one who made us and gave us the gift of each other.
There I was at the library. It's a seemingly safe place, or so I thought, until the over anxious four year old girl visiting the library with her preschool class sat down beside us. She chit chatted for a moment offering way too much personal information about herself. Looking at Jillian and then at me she asked..Did she grow in your tummy? I expected it to come from time to time. I know that a Chinese baby with an American momma is a rarity in my parts and so I knew it would come up...AND here it was. How do you answer that? I simply said no she did not grow in my tummy. Jillian has two momma's and she grew in her birth momma's tummy. I said that I had adopted her and asked her if she knew what that meant. She replied no and so in four year old language, I laid out the process. She then gave me her address, telephone number, and social security number (just kidding) before her preschool teacher started rounding up the children to return them to the center. Really though, I wasn't ready to answer this question. I wasn't sure what to say or how much to say. Luckily, my precious Chinese babe is oblivious at this point to my language and explanation. Although today's meeting..it has me thinking about the days ahead. What do I say when Jillian is there and can understand? How much do I offer and whose story is it to tell? I really don't know the answers to any of these questions and it seems I have time to figure them out because Jillian isn't much cracked up on conversation at this point. Still, maybe I should avoid the library for a while so I don't have to talk to anymore four year olds. :)
We tried to eat lunch out today. We have a gift certificate for a local restaurant and so we decided to give it a try.
We had a plan..Arrive early, bring her comfort aides, sit in the back away from the commotion..
She did so much better in a new place than she would have done eight months ago, but she was really uncomfortable. She was able to stay about 20 minutes and eat a little bit of the food that I brought for her from home. She just kept looking up at the ceiling and shaking her little head no, but she made it about 2o minutes. The best part about it all was she never did have a meltdown. When she was too uncomfortable to stay, she simply got off her chair, took momma's hand, and led me down the hall to the door. She communicated calmly that she needed to get out of there. I did have to walk her back to the table to get her coat and she cried and started to panic a bit, but when she understood that momma knew what she needed and we were on our way out..she stopped crying. In fact by the time we reached home, she was "chatting" about the experience from her car seat as I drove. Daddy and I were trying to analyze just what could have made her uncomfortable. We will probably never know, but we have a large gift certificate for this restaurant so..we are going to keep practicing.
Really, she is just so amazing and watching her taking on the world is just a joy. Being able to take care of her and having her trust me is such a tremendousprivilege. It is one that puts me right at the center of God's will for my life. Daily I feel God asking me..are you willing to lay down your life for hers? Daily...I say resoundingly YES!! What a special gift she is to us!
Look who moved the chair from the dining room table so she could get to her food cabinet..
Great problem solving if you ask me.
She is constantly checking that cabinet making sure she has food in there. Momma constantly tells her that she will always have food here when she is hungry. She's just checking and using the chair to do it. What a smart little peanut she is and strong. That is one heavy wooden chair but she pushes it right in the kitchen scooting it over the carpet a few steps at a time. She keeps us on our toes that is for sure. Always in to something this girl is.. We love it.
One of my favorite things about Christmas is the long break without school everyday. I love having my big girl home with us. We took our little peanut swimming the last day of break and man did she love having her sissy in the pool with her..
This is probably the longest she was still the entire 90 minutes. :)
Jillian loves her some water.
She runs the perimeter of that pool the entire time we are there.
Taking her swimming is the best $3 I spend all week.
So much joy for one little life I tell ya. One blessed momma.
We saw the doctor this morning. He was wonderful, thorough, kind and he took a comprehensive look at our girl and her skills. He decided that an autism diagnosis was appropriate. I'm not going to lie..I cried right there. Cried because I love her so much and I just don't want things to be hard for her. She has had such a burden to carry already in her short little life and honestly if I could just keep her home, safe, and protected forever..I would.
The good news is that she is going to get lots of amazing help. So many programs that are cutting edge, research based, and incredible are available to us right here in our area. God knew that. God knew that here she would get exactly what she needed in our family. Resting in knowing that He is control and that He has a huge plan for this little lady's life. A plan that will bring great glory to His name. Trusting that. Leaning on that.
Not knowing what to expect when I brought home this little beauty-who couldn't yet walk, eat, or handle being off the bed in our hotel room without a major meltdown-makes how she is changing even more special.
REMEMBER.... She didn't smile, didn't make any noises, and never even attempted to communicate with us. She didn't touch toys, never looked in our eyes, and was covered in bed sores. She didn't want to be touched, turned away when we tried to hug her, and leaned away when I carried her. It was too much for her to take a bath, go on a walk, or be in any environment she was unfamiliar with...When I think about this, I am blown away by the enormity of it all...There have been days on this journey that I thought these milestones that I am about to report might never come. There have been moments that I thought this little treasure's heart would never heal..and while we have such a long way to go...She has come so far.
I use the word miracle so often as I write and talk about her. I hope I haven't overused it so much that you are now numb to the meaning of the word...OUR GIRL IS A MIRACLE!! Truly, I never dreamed that we would be witness to such! God has invited us on this journey as we watch her past, the hard things she has experienced, the loss, heartache..all be redeemed slowly by Him..I am blown away by the beauty of it all. I have never in my short life been able to be a part of something that has connected me so closely with the Lord. I have never had to rely on Him so helplessly as I have journeyed through anything else. What a privilege being a momma to this babe is..a privilege and a miracle..
I just wanted to share with you some of the things that she has mastered in the last month. She is so much less fearful and so much more trusting. I am able to correct her, stretch her, encourage her only as a momma can and she is responding..learning so much..growing into such a wonderful daughter. Learning that this place is safe, forever, and that she belongs in it.
So here goes..
1. She can roll a ball back and forth five or six times with me. 2. She can climb up anything that doesn't move. 3. She will "drink" from a spoon. 4. She sits in my lap during every family meal time. 5. She enjoys listening to the praise music in the sanctuary. She can sit for nearly an hour on my lap listening and clapping. 6. She snuggles up next to me each morning when she wakes often laying in my arms for 30 minutes in a tight hug. 7. She can clap and does it all the time. It was so funny when she discovered she could do it. 8. She can operate her light toys herself by pushing the button that makes them go! 9. She can stand on the stool in the bathroom and "wash" her hands with my help. 10. She can follow simple one step directions like sit down or put it in. 11. She is constantly seeking our attention. She always want in on the action. 12. She is very comfortable with all the people that come in our home and she immediatly interacts with them making her wants known. Usually she wants their water bottle or for them to swing or wrestle her. 13. She is comfortable in crowds as long as she is safe in her momma's arms. She will even get down to walk in a crowd as long as she is holding my hand and is in a familar environment. 14. She loves her daddy and always runs and screams with joy when he comes home. 15. She can wait a few minutes without getting upset. 16. She will hold a crayon in her hand and let momma move it to scribble. 17. She will come if you call her name. 18. She is eating lots of chunkier food and can gum it with the best of them. 19. She has gained a whopping ten pounds in eight months. 20. AND THE BEST NEWS YET...Momma has been working on getting her to feed herself. I have broken it down into small steps allowing her to master each one. Steps like..get comfortable with picking up the spoon, putting the spoon in the bowl, bringing the spoon to her mouth AND I am so thrilled to report that my baby girl is using a spoon to feed herself. Considering she had no clue how to eat, chew, swallow, or even allow a spoon in her mouth just seven months ago..JOY that she is conquering this! Watch her do it!
Please pray for us. There are big changes in the months ahead. She is turning three in just two months. Turning three means new therapists, programs, and environments..as we head into the public school for the first time. If I could choose, I wouldn't want her in public school..I must admit. This makes my swallowing it even harder, but I am praying for wisdom as I charter this unknown territory. We also have an important medical appointment tomorrow with a developmental pediatrician. We are hoping this can shed a bit more light on our girl and what we can do to help her.
These days my little girl is busy..busy..busy. It is so normal and so good to have her running at full force and grabbing hold of life with both hands. She seems so secure..so much more attached..so incredibly connected..that it just continues to amaze me. She has come so far. There has been so much progress made in the last month. I have so much to update and so many pictures to load, but she is keeping me so busy that finding the time has been hard..
I have just had the most beautiful day with her and so I am sharing these pictures even though I have many older ones I should share first... I can't help myself. She is just too cute.
Woo Hoo!! That garland is gone and I can climb again!
She's clapping up a storm.
I came around the corner to find her modeling sissy's size 11 converse.
She got a new sensory bin for Christmas and loves going to town in the beans.
Joy..true joy!
I wonder if she ever felt safe before she came home. I wonder if she ever laughed or smiled. I wonder if she ever felt truly loved the way she seems to feel now. I wonder so much..but as I wonder I just give thanks with an overflowing heart that she is mine and now she is doing all of that and more! God is so good and I am so lucky to have this treasure home.
I am a Christ follower, wife of 20 years to my best friend, and a stay at home momma to five amazing daughters. I am currently waiting for one precious special needs treasure to come home from China. I am passionate about the orphan and special needs adoption. I love to teach God's word, am involved in youth ministry alongside my dh, and love,love, love cooking. Above all, I desire to serve God and surrender my life to His call.
Look at those candles..
Ready, Set, Blow..
I think she was wondering..What is this thing?
Another highlight of the day for her was playing on Uncle Anthony's walker. He's done with it after his foot surgery and it now resides in our living room as Jillian's personal jungle gym.
Another highlight of the day for her was playing on Uncle Anthony's walker. He's done with it after his foot surgery and it now resides in our living room as Jillian's personal jungle gym.
Look at this cool watering can!
I made her this little birthday outfit. I tried my hand at applique. 
She really had an incredible day. 
Look at this cool watering can!
I made her this little birthday outfit. I tried my hand at applique. 
She really had an incredible day. 
I wish I could describe to you by typing something the change that has happened in her little heart since coming home. I wish that you could see for yourself that this orphan, once left alone, is now alive and well in this family. I wish I could tell you with adequate words thank you for giving so this could happen for her.
I wish that I could express to you the amazing gift that you gave to us when you donated and prayed for us as we were bringing her home. If you are ever tempted to think that you can't make a difference...If you ever feel overwhelmed by the need around you..REMEMBER..you made a huge difference in the life of this amazing little girl when you gave what you had to help her home to us.
