Afraid

I woke up early this morning and started my day off trying to control the next few months financially.  I have a color coded spread sheet that highlights the adoption payments and when I suspect they will be due.  The truth is..despite my color codedness I can't control this.  It is beyond what I am able to do alone.  I don't know when our approvals will come, when our referral will come, or just how in the world we will come up with the money we need when it is needed.  I am trying to plan it out.  I am working on fundraisers, estimating, cleaning out a retirement account, but the truth is I just can't get there without the Lord.  This is a fearful place to be, but secretly...I want that fear.  I want to live in a place were being afraid is part of my everyday.  I want to live in a place where I can't control everything because that means I am living bigger than myself.  I want to live in a place where I constantly need to pray and give my fear to the Lord.  I want to need Him above the comforts of this world.  I want to know Him deeper than I can if I am simply living comfortable where I am able to be in control.

I found myself praying this morning for God to give me courage, boldness, and a desire to be more like Him.  I want to live my life for Him even when it seems hard and impossible.  I want to walk in a way, on a path, that requires Him showing up in order for me to make it through.  I want to know Him more. 

So that is my prayer today.  I am asking God to do the impossible, to call me into the trenches, and to pour me out so that He can fill me up.  And while I am afraid..I am excited to be afraid because that fear means I am not in control and I've got to depend on God to get me through. 

I mailed the next round of paperwork today, spent a beautiful day at the park playing with my baby girl, made lunch for us, and now in the quiet of this afternoon..I am thankful for my fear.  If I avoided the fear of following God into the unknown of adoption, I wouldn't know the joy of my Chinese, baby girl.  I wouldn't trade this fear for anything because joy waits in the Lord and the Lord is leading us to our next daughter.  Praise Him!