Deuteronomy 4:35

You have been shown these things that you might know the Lord is God besides him there is no other.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


I woke up early this morning and started my day off trying to control the next few months financially.  I have a color coded spread sheet that highlights the adoption payments and when I suspect they will be due.  The truth is..despite my color codedness I can't control this.  It is beyond what I am able to do alone.  I don't know when our approvals will come, when our referral will come, or just how in the world we will come up with the money we need when it is needed.  I am trying to plan it out.  I am working on fundraisers, estimating, cleaning out a retirement account, but the truth is I just can't get there without the Lord.  This is a fearful place to be, but secretly...I want that fear.  I want to live in a place were being afraid is part of my everyday.  I want to live in a place where I can't control everything because that means I am living bigger than myself.  I want to live in a place where I constantly need to pray and give my fear to the Lord.  I want to need Him above the comforts of this world.  I want to know Him deeper than I can if I am simply living comfortable where I am able to be in control.

I found myself praying this morning for God to give me courage, boldness, and a desire to be more like Him.  I want to live my life for Him even when it seems hard and impossible.  I want to walk in a way, on a path, that requires Him showing up in order for me to make it through.  I want to know Him more. 

So that is my prayer today.  I am asking God to do the impossible, to call me into the trenches, and to pour me out so that He can fill me up.  And while I am afraid..I am excited to be afraid because that fear means I am not in control and I've got to depend on God to get me through. 

I mailed the next round of paperwork today, spent a beautiful day at the park playing with my baby girl, made lunch for us, and now in the quiet of this afternoon..I am thankful for my fear.  If I avoided the fear of following God into the unknown of adoption, I wouldn't know the joy of my Chinese, baby girl.  I wouldn't trade this fear for anything because joy waits in the Lord and the Lord is leading us to our next daughter.  Praise Him!


  1. What an awesome post!!! Thanks Friend!!!

  2. Amen Leslie...... I know EXCACTLY how you feel. It is hard when you struggle constantly to make ends meet. We deal with it all the time. I constantly pray for guidance and strength from the LORD. It is stressful. Praying along with you!
    Together in Christ,