Tidying Up

Despite my little one's not feeling at all well..We are enjoying some sweet moments here.
Thanks to the love of the rice bin...Rice is constantly on the floor. I am also constantly trying to sweep it up. I found my little peanut doing this yesterday with the broom I left next to her sensory bin...

So cute..

So darn cute..

She is lovin her some books in the last couple of weeks. Just look at her..

That smile melts my heart..

Please do remember her in your prayers though. We got a call from the doc today that the culture they took on an infected spot under her arm grew some nasty infection. They are changing her antibiotic to fight it off and have no idea how she got it or what it was..The ear infection antibiotic is making her feel much better but reeking havoc on her bowels. Poor baby. Sore ears. Sore bottom. Now an infection under her arm. She is still not drinking anything from a cup or bottle either. It has been almost three weeks now since she started refusing her bottle. I am watching her closely for dehydration, but so far she is a-ok. It may be a long ten weeks waiting for those tubes. It'll be so worth it though.

Up to Something New

I wish I had the words to tell you what was in my heart this morning. Walking the halls, meeting the workers(investigators, placement workers, caseworkers), taking pictures of their spaces that desperately need revitalized..

Over the last few months, I have been praying about serving the foster care community. I know the children in this system need believers to stand up for them, serve them, and show them God's love. I know there are hundreds of children in our community who are hurting, broken, neglected...I know and I have been praying about what my part should be..This morning I was so excited as I walked the halls of the local state children's agency because it meant that my part of serving the foster system is beginning.

I am so excited to be coordinating a "project sunshine" right here in our community through The Forgotten Initiative (TFI). TFI is a ministry that was started by an adoptive momma whose journey led her to also be a foster mom. She discovered for herself just how forgotten some of these children are and God stirred her heart to help. So, she started TFI and God is moving the hearts of many to serve these kiddos right here where we live. She is working-with the help of many others-to make sure they are not forgotten. She is beginning mentoring programs, letter writing programs, foster family support, and so much more.

I am thrilled to be a part of this "project sunshine" which means that I get the chance to lead the redo of the visit rooms at our local agency. A visit room is an area where foster kiddos visit with their biological families weekly. It is also a room where the foster kiddos may wait during transitions between homes or while caseworkers visit with their families. It should be a kid friendly, inviting space that makes each kiddo that enters feel warm, welcome, and cared for. The rooms that I toured today were not that. They were forgotten. Forgotten no more because TFI is on the scene.

I am so excited to do this!!!!! We will be working to raise funds in the next several weeks, looking for toy donations, and volunteers to paint or clean. If it sounds like something you might want to do, let me know. If you have a Sunday School class, Bible Study, or church congregation that would like to contribute financially to the makeover..I'll be getting the account info up and running. Of course, it's tax deductible and for an amazing cause..those kiddos in the foster care system.

I'll be sharing more soon. I could burst I am so excited...

She's So Right

I just read Andrea's post here. Before I read it, I was thinking about our visit to the doctor this morning..(our third in two weeks). I was thinking that I didn't get Jill to surrender to sleep for her nap until almost 3:00..(two hours later than normal). I was thinking about how difficult it was to hold Jill down at the doctor watching her fighting and flailing. I was thinking about how hard this job is sometimes and how very much I love Jill and want to help her.

BUT after reading that post...The worst is behind Jill. She is home with a family. She has access to the best doctors, therapies, and a mom/dad who are commited to taking care of her whatever it takes. So many children don't have any of that. My needs and trials are so minuscule compared to theirs. They are desperate. Desperate for food, care, Jesus' love..

Praying I don't turn my face one more moment. Praying that I can be a part of meeting the needs of those least of these Jesus speaks of in Matthew.

I needed that post today. I needed a fresh perspective. Don't miss it for yourselves. Allow it to sink into your life today.

Those Shoes

Those shoes. Jill saw them today. She picked them out of a pile of ten or so pairs and brought them to me as I sat next to her on the floor. Those shoes. The ones she had been wearing the day she left her old life and was thrown into her new one. She lifted those two little shoes and held them up to me. She wanted me to see them. She wanted me to know that she remembered them..that they represented something to her. Those shoes. I talked to her about those shoes as she held them..about how she was wearing them the day that God placed her in momma's arms. Those shoes are from your orphanage..Those are Jill's shoes...I kept saying again and again. Then she wanted to put them on. I squished her feet in those shoes. Her eyes were so sad and she kicked them off. She laid sprawled on the floor with that look in her eyes-Staring at those shoes. My heart was breaking in two. I knew she was thinking about her past. I knew those two shoes were causing her to remember. Then, she started to sob and she wanted me to hold her. She sobbed for a long time while I rocked her and rubbed her back reassuring her that she was in the arms of her momma and that she would never have to be without me again. I tried to tell her that I understood how sad she must be and how much she must miss China. Then, I just started sobbing myself for all the pain this sweet, precious baby has felt. Pain that time and her momma's love will never fully erase. Those shoes are a reminder of that today. A reminder that God is the only one who can fully heal this precious girl and turn the ashes of her life into something beautiful.

It is so hard for me to understand sometimes how I can love this little one so much. After only four months, she is really still a stranger to me in many ways. Yet strangely, I would die for her. She is mine-her pain is my pain. She is my daughter and today it broke my heart to see her hurting so much. While it broke my heart that she was hurting..how I love that she wants to be in my arms. I feel beyond blessed to be her momma. I feel blessed that God has allowed us to do this..Blessed that we can call her ours.

Hard Times

Hard Times. We have them just like anyone else who is a parent and has their heart walking on the outside of their body. Maybe not having our baby girl from the beginning just makes the hard times we have with her seem harder to us or maybe after twelve years the intesity of the first time around wih darling kiddo has faded.

Jill went to the ENT today. We took the elevator up as the office was on the third floor. (We should have known to take the stairs.) Her meltdown was bad. Hard. She cried-no screamed-with deep intensity and flailing for over an hour all because of the elevator. We tried to calm her. Tried to walk her outside (taking the stairs), tried to rub her back, tried to soothe her, distract her, put her down, pick her up BUT nothing worked. The doctor was so nice and got us out of there in record time even letting us walk outside until they were ready to take us back. (I am sure it was unpleasant for them to hear her screaming.) Despite all of our best efforts to calm her nothing worked to help her. She was completely out of control. She screamed the entire time we were out today. Even when we went to the car and were done in the doctor's building, she could not calm herself. She was a big mess and I have to admit..I let myself get a little messy too. I cried right along side her. Cried for all that she has been through. Cried because I don't always understand what she needs. Cried because sometimes this journey is so hard.

After getting home, I took her to the rocking chair in her room and it was as if she hadn't just been melting down for the last hour. She stopped. Stopped just like that the minute we got to the chair..What was she thinking? I can't help but wonder what she was going through. Did she remember riding the elevator to the third floor of the Civil Affairs Office on Gotcha Day in China and being left with us? Was she revisiting the trauma she experienced then? We will never know. She can't tell us.

Praying that this episode doesn't have a lasting impact on her. This is the second one this week. The first meltdown was just as fierce and took longer to run it's course than this one. I need prayer. I really do. I want this baby healed. I want her to be able to handle life and right now she just can't always do that. Also, it is so easy for Satan to worm his way in with lies when I am weary during a meltdown. So easy to hear him saying..you can't do this. You're not good enough. Pray that I would fill my mind and heart with truth knowing that God made me for a time just as this and I can do all things through Him.

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts you. Keeping my mind on him. Trusting Him. Knowing that He is in control and loves Jill even more than I do.

Surgery is scheduled for Nov. 17th (ten more weeks!! UGH!!!). She will have a sedated hearing test, tubes inserted, and wax removed. Praying the time flies. I just want this done. Thanks for praying. We need it.

Just Now..

She cried out just now. She's been sleeping for about two hours and something jarred her awake. I went in to find her sitting up, crying with her arms up in the air and her eyes closed. When she opened her eyes just now-it was her momma's face she saw. It was her momma who scooped her up and loved her back to sleep. It was her momma who rubbed her little back after laying her down again. Oh, to not have to miss this..I can't even begin to express the gratefulness I have in my heart because of that. Blessed to be home.

Oh the Joy of..

the rice bin. She truly loves this sensory bin ya'all.

Look who she made get in on the fun...

Sissy tried to convince her that she would not fit in the bin, but she demanded otherwise.

Aren't they beautiful? Man this little one loves any and all attention she gets from her big sis.

God is so good.

She's Back

With two doses of antibiotics and some good numbing meds in that ear..our girl is back to her old self. She hasn't let me rest one minute today. I found her standing on top of the couch, climbing her toy box, and dumping her rice bin on the floor. Normally this girl keeps her momma on her toes, but because of the pain in that ear the last few days have been..well pretty dull by my girl's standards. She's back with a vengance. She has been pulling and tugging me from this toy to that one all day, requested to eat three times already, and pulled down the candleholders at least a hundred times. Oh, I missed her (but did like the rest).

Here are some pictures of her enjoying her new sensory bin. Rice galore with lots of "tools" to help her explore...

Please Pray

Please pray for our little one. She has another ear infection. We knew she was in pain again because she was digging at that ear and licking her fingers to stick them in there. That is exactly what she did when we first got to her and those ears were so infected. She is refusing to drink a bottle probably because it hurts like mad to suck with that ear so inflamed. It has been 48 hours since she has taken a bottle and she refuses to take a cup so that limits her liquid intake greatly. She has had half a popsicle which I fed her in a spoon, continues to down her puree food like a champ, and doesn't seem to have any signs of dehydration..BUT..I'm worried about her. I hate to see her in pain.

On a bright note..she did a great job at the doctor. It was a new office and she was cool as a cucumber in the lobby and even walked back to the exam room without melting down. She was very upset during the exam though, but what two year old wouldn't be? The hardest part is how very hard it is to calm her down after she gets upset. She went to sleep almost immediately after returning home. Praying those numbing drops and the antibiotic will do the trick..

We are scheduled to see the ENT next Friday anyway and they already told us they are planning on putting tubes in right away-a relief since this is her second infection in four months.

Praising the Lord that she has gained almost eight pounds and grown three inches since being home. It also seems that the wax in the right side of her ear has dislodged and so the doctor finally got a good look at that eardrum. It's the clear side and hopefully will stay that way. We appreciate your prayers so very much. Having an ear infection is no fun.

Taking It Slow

Every morning we go to the park. We take it slow..walking along the lagoon, looking at the ducks, swinging in each and every swing that we pass along the way, and just taking it in. Jill loves it and the people who frequent that park as often as we do have really taken a liking to her. They make a point to seek us out and say hello. Many have shared a bit of their lives with us..upcoming surgery, out of work, a son's lost bicycle...and some have asked Jill's story-our family's story. There is one older lady who is there walking everyday. She recently had surgery. I would guess she lives alone and works in a school kitchen. She has shared a bit of her life with me as I have seen her each morning while swinging Jill. I know a bit about who she is and today she asked if she could sit down with us. She did and she asked if we had other children. When I shared with her that we had one 12 year old until our eyes were opened to the orphan..she said you must go to church somewhere. Funny that she connected my willingness to take in the orphan to church. This was my open door to share my heart..who Christ was in me..with this woman. I told her that indeed I did and that my husband was a pastor. We felt called by God to care for this little one who needed a family to raise her up in the Lord and care for her. I told her where my husband pastored and then she was on her way around the lagoon pursuing the walking path with purpose using her cane. A divine appointment. A chance to remember that there are so many around me who may not know Him. What do I do about this? Who am I for Him to these others? Do I intentionally pursue people to make a difference for Christ in their lives? A challenge in the form of a stranger who we have come to recognize because we take life slow these days. What if I had taken life slow all along? Are there some that God would have had me share with that I have rushed by? Sadly, I know there are..I know I fail miserably at times. Yet, God continues to invite me to do His work as undeserving as I am. Glad there is grace for even me and that I am lucky enough to know Him as my Savior.

Family Time

We were giddy with excitement to learn that Phineas and Ferb the movie was being shown on a local network on Saturday night. DH and Em love this cartoon and since giving up the channel that it usually airs on over a year ago to save money-they rarely get to see it. It was such a treat that Jill and I decided to make an ice cream run. We headed to the sweet spot just the two of us to hit the drive thru. (Who would have thought that Jill could be my partner on an ice cream run? Miraculous! We've come a long way in four months that is for sure.)
My big girl requested cookie dough chiller with no chocolate syrup. She watched the movie from her favorite bean bag chair. I don't think she even texted the entire time..just watched mesmorized.

A large oreo chiller for Daddy..You should have heard him laughing his head off at this cartoon. He is seriously the biggest kid in our house.

And for our little treasure..her first hot fudge sundae. She loved it. She was quite wired up after eating all that sugar, but life is too short. She loves her some chocolate fudge and ice cream. I love to see the joy that food brings her. What a huge blessing!

I just cherish this time when we are all together. Around the dinner table on this very night we talked about bringing home more. We all have our ideas about where, when, and how..God already knows and so we wait for His will to be revealed. Can't help feeling so blessed by this family. So very lucky to have this amazing family that I enjoy and love so much.

Scrapes

It happened.

She fell.

Hard.



She got going too fast and because now a days she has the courage to leave the comfort and safety of momma's hand-she fell. She stumbled in the grass right on to the sidewalk. I was home alone at the time and tried to stay calm. She handled it better than I did I think. Doesn't she look pitiful? Poor Baby. It hasn't slowed her down though. She takes life at one speed-lightning speed that is..

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,
Home almost four months my treasure. Four months you have been mine..here with me in my arms. They have flown and honestly I don't remember what it was like to not have you here with us. I reread some of the waiting posts and while the depths of the sorrow and pain are deeply rooted in those words I wrote while I waited for you..NOW there is so much joy that the pain of waiting is easily forgotten. I continue to just marvel at all that you are doing. Every day you come alive more and more. Four months ago you screamed in terror when I would put you in the bath tub..NOW you scream with delight. You love your bath, the bubbles, and the toys that float in the water as I wash you each night. Four months ago you rarely made a sound as if your voice was stolen from you by the sorrow that seemed to have taken up residence in your heart...NOW you make noise all the time. You are constantly squealing, babbling, and screaming with joy. Four months ago you wouldn't go near a swing even when you were sitting on momma's lap..NOW each morning at the park you methodically trace the route from swing to swing enjoying each one from the security of my lap. Four months ago you screamed in the car unsure of where you were going..NOW you giggle with delight from that same carseat as the wind tossles your hair excited about where we might be headed. Four months ago I loved you but knew so very little about you...NOW I am enjoying learning more about you each and every day. I love you dear one. I love watching the videos from four months ago and just being in awe of how much you have grown. God is healing your little heart so quickly and you are truly a miracle. Being your momma is a joy and a pleasure.

The Unexpected Gift

I continue to read blogs about children joining their families. I love them. They fill my heart and take me back to getting our own treasure just four short months ago. Sometimes though I see the pictures of the children in the arms of their mommas peacefully or happily eating cheerios and I think about how different our experience has been. As we were waiting for Jill, I prayed that she would be a healthy, happy, and average when I reached her. I certainly didn't want this too be hard and honestly I prayed that it wouldn't. I'm ashamed to admit that I wanted her to be "typical".

Yet, who she is and the struggles that she has is really such a gift. A gift because it has changed my perspective, given me courage, and allowed me to see God even more clearly. The other day when I was talking with my DH he said..If Jill wasn't so "special" you would have never had the courage to stay home even though you desperately wanted to. He's so right. If Jill didn't have therapy appointments, medical appointments..if Jill ate regularly or could communicate..if Jill was able to fall quickly into the routine of our life..I wouldn't have had the courage to do this and frankly this is what I have always wanted to do. So you see, Jill's struggles have been an unexpected gift and something that I am so thankful for in many ways. At the park yesterday we ran into a couple from our old congregation who said..Looking at you beaming over her-I think you needed that baby as much as she needed you. SO TRUE!!


I love her so. I would do anything for her and am thrilled at the progress she is making..






She has gained a whole seven pounds in the last four months. She is a robust little toddler now days. Look at those round cheeks and the rings on her arms. Sweetness.

She loves to read her books and likes keeping one hand in the wipe bin. She loves how they feel.

She has a new therapy cup and is tolerating taking liquids from it, but still prefers her bottle.

Four months ago, she wouldn't touch a toy and now she regularly touches every toy she owns while throwing them around the living room.

She is very direct about what she wants you to do and has definitely found her voice this week. She is making lots of speech sounds and screaming with joy when she enjoys something. Sissy and I couldn't even hear the television over her jabber the other night. Sissy then said..I liked it better when she was quiet. LOL! Personally, it is music to this momma's ears.

First Day

First Day of Seventh Grade that is...


Wish you could see her zebra backpack. She is a zebra loving fool!! She is sporting her new blue converse-that's my girl's style.

She will finally sit in the front seat because she is twelve. She is a rule follower despite trying to convince her that she was plenty big enough to safely sit in the front seat-she wouldn't do it until her twelfth b-day. She is too funny.

Jill had some academic time herself this morning with her favorite lift the flap books while sissy got ready for her first day. She has really had an amazing week..that's my next post.
Even though school is back in swing..this is where you will find me spending my mornings these days!!! I am still here at home taking care of my baby girl! OH THE JOY!!! We spent the morning at the park like always and then picked up sissy after her early dismissal. Being home is so good.

This is seriously the most miraculous journey. I love having my girls, being a mom, and adventuring with God in this life. You know I was thinking this morning that four years ago before our job switch into full time ministry we were living on so much more income and never thought I could be home. Now, we make one third of what we did then and we have a far greater understanding of what really matters-not to mention God continues to provide for our needs. We are so much richer..Incredible. Miraculous. Impossible. That's the God I love, serve, and depend on. Smiling from ear to ear.

Lunch with Our Big Girl

DH's parents offered to drive up and stay with Jill for an hour while she napped so we could take our Darling Kiddo out to lunch. We enjoyed our time with her so much. We talked about school starting, which classes she thought would be the hardest, and what she was most excited about doing in junior high. It was a wonderful hour together. We sipped cherry limeade, ate some tasty fries, and the best part for me was I got to eat sitting down at the same time Daddy and Em did..this is a rarity and hasn't happened in the last four months since bringing home our treasure. I really enjoyed our time and it just reminds me how very fast she is growing up. I am thankful for her. She is turning into such a wonderful young woman. I'm not going to blink though because this time with her is flying by way too fast. School starts next Monday and well then she is a junior higher. How can this be?

Ordinary

Posts get harder and harder because frankly..I am living in the ordinary and it is so good. Jill is in the swing of our routine and things are well-ordinary. She continues to make little bits of progress here and there developmentally. I go to therapy with Jill, spend lots of time at the park, spend even more time wrestling with Jill on the floor, push her in the laundry basket, listen to her laugh hysterically when tickled, change her dirty diapers, clip coupons, make meals, pick up toys, read about three books a week (Remember, she naps a long time.)... Life is so good as a stay at home momma. :) It is good and ordinary. Ordinary is what I prayed for when those days were so rough after immediately coming home with our treasure. So good to see my little one functioning in the ordinary.

In fact, things are seeming so ordinary that when our social worker visited this week to check in I asked..about starting another adoption. OH YES I DID! It is crazy. Certainly not ordinary. Maybe even insane BUT how can you see what we have seen and experience what we have experienced and do nothing? How can we close our eyes to what we know the Lord wants us to do? I don't know when...I don't know where...I don't know how...BUT God is moving. We are praying and continue to have our hearts in pieces for the orphan. We have seen with our own eyes the difference a family can make for one child and we are willing to open our hearts to more. Lots of mountains seem to be standing in our way, but isn't that when God does His best work? Move over ordinary because CRAZY is on its way.

Oh to See that Smile

Helpless

Helpless. That is exactly how I have felt the last two afternoons. Jill has gotten up from her nap each day and melted down. I mean really melted down.

Friday was heart breaking as it totally caught me off guard. It had been a while since she has pushed me away so much and cried so uncontrollably. After 45 minutes of crying, she popped right out of it like it never happened. The crying was so intense and so uncontrollable and yet gone as quickly as it came. What could have caused this despair? I always wonder...

Then on Saturday it happened again. I was a bit more emotionally prepared for it because we walked this road on Friday and I could see she was headed down the very same path. Yesterday though, she didn't push me away. She tried desperately to communicate with me about how I could soothe her. She put my hand on her back "telling" me to rub it. She lifted her arms for me to pick her up. She motioned to go downstairs. Yet all the while, she was crying uncontrollably. Watching her ride the meltdown out from start to finish is draining. About halfway through, she escalates to rolling and kicking..crying and screaming..wanting to be held and wanting down. Then you can see her calming. Little by little she gains control. She is able to regulate whatever it is that is happening to her emotionally. Finally, when it was over she sat up again and began to play as if she has been content the entire afternoon and hadn't spent the last 45 minutes crying her eyes out. The only evidence of the meltdown is her very snotty nose and swollen eyes. Forty five minutes of crying will do that to you.

Oh my poor girl. I just want to know how to help her. I just want to know what it is that is causing her despair. I want to name this thing. Name it so that I can fix it. BUT I can't really do anything. I just stay near by and reassure her that everything is alright. I pray over her, hold her when she lets me, and put her down next to me when she has had enough touch. I am really powerless. I have to give this baby and all her circumstances to the Lord knowing that He is the ultimate healer. In His time, these moments may be no more. How I just wish I could know when they will end? How I wish I could see some cause for them so that we could keep it from happening?

This journey is not for the faint of heart. This journey can be draining, exhausting, and so hard. It kills her daddy especially to see her like she was yesterday, but in these times we lean heavily on our Lord who gave her to us just as she is knowing that we were exactly who she needed.

Time

This morning I had time to swing at the park with my precious baby girl for 60 minutes. I sat in the bench swing with that girl nestled in my arms watching the ducks, listening to her babble, and watching her enjoying the sun in her eyes for 60 minutes. I was still. I was reciting scripture in her ear. Scripture that I have memorized came to my mind and I was just whispering word after word over her little cheeks.


60 minutes. Not working is so good. So good for a million reasons....


I have time. Maybe I could have always had time if I would have taken it. If I would have re prioritized I may have found more time, but now God has done such a work in my life and time is something I have so much of. Time to minister to the older lady who was walking by as we were swinging who just needed an ear. Time to smile and say hello to those who pass. Time to hold my baby girl and just enjoy being in the presence of the Lord with her near. God is so good.


Can't you just see His hand written all over her?




DH and Darling Kiddo are on a road trip and so I devoted the whole morning to Jill. At one point, I was pushing her in the laundry basket back and forth back and forth..She looked up at me, smiled a wide smile, looked deeply in my eyes, and leaned in to press her little mouth against mine. This relationship takes time..becoming her momma has taken time..Time that I am willing to set aside because it's so good and so worth it.

Win an IPad...Bring Her Home

Please visit the blog of my dear friends to enter for a chance to win an IPad. One chance is only $5.00. Really who can't spare $5.00 for the orphan's sake? The Arnold family is just beginning their journey to Maggie Grace. Isn't she beautiful? Little Maggie is waiting for her family and they need our help to raise the ransom. Click on this link to enter the raffle in the side bar of their family's blog. Good Luck.


And the King will answer them, "Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine you did it to me." Matthew 25:40

Change of Plans

You know if there is one thing having a toddler again has shown me it is...my plans may not ever be my reality. The plans I have are sensible, practical, desirable (to me), but if Jill isn't down with them-they just don't happen. This is hard for me-I'll admit it. I can be selfish and when I want something to be a certain way I struggle when it doesn't happen.

This is one of my biggest hang ups with not being in church for worship. Every Sunday, I plan on going. I plan on being a part of the corporate worship experience. I plan on wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, putting Jill in a darling dress, and being spiritually "fed". We have been home for three months now and well our little miss just doesn't always like my plans for Sunday morning. She tends to be very uncomfortable in the church building, doesn't like all the people, doesn't like to not be able to move freely when ever and where ever she wants to AND so because of this my times in worship have been very limited.

I step out of the house each Sunday morning ready, but despite my best efforts I generally have to leave worship most Sunday mornings with an overstimulated, screaming baby girl. Sometimes I'm annoyed by this. Sometimes, I just want to be in worship. After all that is my plan. It seems like a good plan. Seems like God would want me in worship. My plans should be honored.

Here is where the selfish comes in. It happened two weeks ago. Jill was on the verge of a meltdown in the quiet room off the sanctuary so I got out of there quick. I wasn't happy about having to return home without participating in worship, but I did it. Jill settled down quickly when she got home and was playing happily in her bedroom. Still unhappy about leaving worship, I picked up my Bible there in Jill's room and opened to Matthew.

I started reading in chapter one-the genealogy of Jesus. I saw the names of the women in the genealogy circled in red pen. I remembered the motion of that red pen circling those names in my Bible during one of my quiet times not so long ago. Those red circles and the names of those women had led me to study each of them in scripture. Back then, I wanted to know them, know their stories, and try to understand why they had been included among so many men in Jesus's line. So on this day as Jill played, I went back and read each of their stories again.

Hmmm..I bet these circumstances-the ones that led each of these women to be a part of Jesus's line-where not in their plans. I bet Rahab-a former prostitute-never planned to cross paths with God's people, pick up her household, and hit the road with them. I bet Bathsheeba never planned to become pregnant with the King's baby while married to another man. I bet Tamar didn't plan to walk her circumstances either. She was left without a husband and seducing her father-in-law. Likewise, Ruth probably didn't plan to be a young widow, move to a foreign land, and care for her mother-in-law. I'm sure at thirteen, Mary never planned to carry the son of God in her womb. I am sure that these circumstances led them to abandon plans of their own so that God's plans could be fulfilled through them...Yet never once did it say they resisted this change of plans-these divine appointments that led them to Jesus's line..

It challenged me to be more willing to let go of my plans. It challenged me to take hold of my circumstances where ever they lead me and find God there. God was there that Sunday morning in Jill's bedroom. I didn't need to go to worship, wearing earrings and something other than gym shorts, to be spiritually fed. He was there all along even if I couldn't be in worship. I just had to seek Him. He was waiting for me right there on the pages of scriptures. Waiting to tell me that my plans are not always His. I need to learn this..Embracing that a little more these days and praying to see God more clearly when my plans change because I have the privilege of being this little one's momma.

Birthday Party Time

Some of my favorite images of twelve...

My girl is crazy for the zebra.

She has sweet friends who know her and bought her cool zebra stuff.

Zebra cake with twelve candles.

Yes, we got her a phone. She is texting right now. You can't avoid it I guess.

Sissy wanted to help her open her presents.

Her card that momma made her. I make her one every year.

Her favorite color is blue and she loves zebra stripes.
This too shall pass eventually.

Sweet memories. Precious times. Sissy slept through her entire party because it was her nap time. This was good planning on our part so that we could focus on the older girls. FUN! FUN! FUN! I love being a momma! I love this zebra strip lovin' almost teen. YIKES!

It's Her Birthday

I can't believe that it has been twelve years since darling kiddo's birth. I was thinking around 10:00 PM last night about where we were twelve years ago. Keeping Em in the womb was mighty tricky and required a couple of weeks of hospitalization and four weeks of bed rest. On July 29 late in the night, I had some complications again and went to the hospital after waking up daddy. I tease daddy because waking him up was not easy. They decided they didn't have to stop my labor any longer because Em was ready to enter the world. She was born on July 30 in the early evening and was perfect in every way. She captured my heart the moment I laid eyes on her. What a blessed gift she is to us! Oh how we love her!

I was thinking about how fast this time has gone and how I wish I could just stop it for a while and savor it. Savor the moments with her when she is still young enough to be under my roof, sitting on my lap, or sneaking away to "play" with the door closed. I know that these moments are fleeting and will be gone very soon. Somehow, knowing this doesn't make it any easier to swallow. I have to admit watching her grow up is so hard for this momma. She will always be my baby girl.

Happy 12th Birthday Em!! You are my first born. The little one who first made me a mother and caused me to fall in love with this job. I always tell you that being your mom is the greatest job I have and that is so true. I love you with all my heart dear one.

The Last One

I got my last one today-my last paycheck! Yikes!! We are really doing this! I am really getting to be a wife and momma full time! I wish I could share with you all everything that God has done to provide for us so far, but I tell you there is just not enough space in this post or any post for that matter. Who would have thought? This really seemed impossible. Don't you think God just laughs His head off when we think impossible and He continues to show us otherwise.. Will I ever learn? Will I ever just have the faith to trust? We certainly never dreamed this would be..BUT with God all things are possible AND finally I am living my dream. I am a full time wife and momma-taking care of my clan, relying on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and direction! WAHOOO!!! I could shout from the roof tops about how amazing God is and continues to be...He is simply so good that I am bent over in awe of it. I am sure that DH gets tired of hearing me say this BUT I am just so thankful that I don't have to leave my baby in the fall! So thankful to be able to have time to make beds every morning..So thankful I can take Em to school each day, make her lunch, and even thankful to have the laundry responsibility back..So thankful to prepare meals and care for my family...So thankful. Personally, God made me for this. This is my passion. My family. Serving my family. This is truly the desire of my heart and just like that God has given it to me just because He can. So good. So good. So good.

Feeding Praises

We had our first feeding therapy session today. Oh My this little one has made such huge gains. She is eating more like a 6 month old these days and enjoying it. The therapist was so pleased and really Jill just continues to amaze all of us. She has made huge leaps in the last two months since her initial screening. She enjoys eating her baby food and is eating every meal in the highchair..that's right in the highchair!!! She even took some water from a special "cup" they have in therapy. This is the first time she has ever taken water and certainly the first time she has ever used anything other than a bottle. She was resistant at first, but then she opened up and momma squirted that water right in. Two drinks-she took two drinks! I ordered that cup as soon as I got home from a cool therapy tools site and even paid a little more to get it here in two days. She is doing so well!

We have to go to Easter Seals for this therapy and again she was totally ok with being in there. Although she was a little disappointed when she saw the pool because she was probably hoping to have therapy in there. (She is a water bug!) This was our first time seeing our feeding therapist in over a month, but Jill warmed right up to her. She even sat in the rifton chair to eat during therapy for a while before retreating to momma's lap. WOW this girl continues to amaze me.

I have to admit I cried the whole way home. I am so happy about how well she is doing and so thrilled that I get to be this little one's momma that there are times that I am over come. I just couldn't help myself. The words of the official in that adoption office in Ch*na just kept ringing in my ears..She is delayed, worthless, behind her peers, dumb..Do you still want her? Jill just needed a family. She just needed a momma who would come for her.

Oh how my heart grieves that I have said no to adoption for so long. This little one has taught me so much and given me so much joy that it is difficult to describe. She just needed a family to come for her. Really there is nothing extraordinary about us. I am nothing special and I have no specialized skills to qualify me to mother this precious treasure, but all of the excuses that I made for so long to back up my "I can't adopt God" just seem so trivial now. Forgive me Lord for my resistance to do this. Forgive me for the many orphans that I have left sitting in an orphanage all these years while I reasoned with you about how I couldn't do this.

Thank you Lord for this gift. Thank you for this girl. Thank you for the smiles, giggles, and messy chocolate syrup mouth. Thank you that you allowed us to come for her and that she is home with her family. Thank you that she is no longer neglected and that she is thriving because we can nurture her.

Celebrating My Man

Just over six years ago driving in the car to a concert just the two of us, my guy said that he felt like God was calling him into full time ministry. We were both teachers, had it good, were comfortable, and served the Lord as volunteers in youth ministry. I was shocked and resistant for awhile. (I hate to admit this, but alas my poor guy is usually met with skepticism from me when he leads us in the Lord.) Then just about four years ago after two years of searching and waiting on God-He led us to take this ministry position: full time. We sold our house. DH left his cushy job and took a $20,000 pay cut. I never imagined I would be a pastor's wife and there I was-exactly that.

Honestly, I never dreamed I would have such a Godly husband either. Never knew to hope for it. Given my background, I never knew this could be. What a blessing to have this man as mine. I am so blessed by him for a million reasons.

But today...He is now officially a seminary grad! He got his diploma in the mail from Liberty University's Seminary where he has been taking classes for the last three years. Way to go baby! He is just an amazing man of the Lord who leads our family with grace and serves us endlessly. Can't even describe what it is like to be loved the way Christ loved the church by my dear husband. So, here he is holding his diploma which is large and going to cost a mint to frame.



Oh Well, an important enough piece of paper to frame regardless. Just going to wait until Hobby Lobby has custom frames on sale..What an adventure this last 15 years have been. Honestly, I sit on the edge of my seat in anticipation at what is to come next as my man leads us as the Lord directs Him. It is certainly never dull here as we look to Christ to guide us. Who knows where He will take us next?

OT Meltdown

Rough Occupational Therapy session this morning. Jill just wanted nothing to do with it. She wasn't feeling like interacting this morning. Then when K pulled out the ball. It was over..Over fast. Jill is terrified of balls-hates the things. Doesn't even want to be in the same room with them. She had a meltdown. It was a big one BUT a big one that is no where near where it was three months ago. She calmed down after an hour or so and her cry well it wasn't near as intense as it was three months ago either. The best part..she won't let me put her down. She wants me to hold her while she melts down. Now that is progress. Progress that this momma loves.

The said meltdown did prevent me from participating in Darling Kiddo's send off to vball camp, but DH was there and got her off. Darling Kiddo will be gone all week. This is the first time that she has been away from home without family-ever. I know she is almost 12 and will be fine BUT she is my first baby.

Jill will really miss her as she is enjoying forcing herself on her. She insists on Em's attention throughout the day and loves when she gets it. Jill will just have to be happy with momma and daddy this week.

Bursting

Bursting. My heart is bursting today. Today is one of those days that I feel like..I got this thing. I got this adoptive momma thing down. It's good and sweet and beautiful. (Not all days are like this so when they are..I soak in them.)


We went to the local store this morning and bought Jill new sandals because-well her old ones are too small. Darling Kiddo and I took Jill shopping. She was with us. She was walking in the store. She tried on her new shoes and we even waited in line and bought them. She was a totally normal two year old the whole time. We did it! She did it! She went to the store and got new shoes!!


Then we left for therapy at Easter Seals. She sat in the backseat in her car seat holding her new vibrating toy (which has been a huge blessing) happily as it gave her lots of sensory input. When we walked into the building, she didn't even cry!! (Yes, this is a huge miracle!!) She walked me over to the play area, peered in the mirror, and then walked me to the waiting area to sit down so I could bounce her. She was calm, and so sweet, bouncing happily in my lap. For a few brief minutes, her eyes even looked deeply into mine. The kind of look that you live for when you are an adoptive momma..one that means deep bonding is happening. Then she leaned in and gave me one of those full mouth, slobbery toddler kisses that just makes your heart burst with joy. She gave me three of them-in a row. Oh the bliss...


Then she had a super therapy session in which the speech therapist assured me she is progressing through all of the stages that she needs to. She is making those babbling sounds and being the infant that she never had the chance to be. JOY!


She even sat in her highchair this week and ate a meal. Once the new vibrating toy entered the scene after our developmental therapist introduced it, I was confident it would give her the edge she needed to be able to sit in that chair so I gave it a try again. And well, it worked (for the first day anyway). Since Tuesday, she continues to tolerate being in her highchair for a little while each day and I just have to say that this is a down right miracle from God.

Eating baby food is a miracle-in a highchair..well..that's beyond words.

Look at this happy momma.

Check out this toy.

As I was bouncing her today, I just continue to think about how very far this little peanut has come. What a precious and amazing little life she is and how lucky I am to be her momma. Because of having her in my life, I find abundant joy in the smallest things. Things like having her tolerate sitting in her highchair just make me so happy.. what a precious treasure she has given me.

Watching all the children waiting for therapy today, I was almost in tears thinking of all the orphans with disabilities sitting in institutions all over the world who don't have access to therapy, medical care, or a momma's love and encouragement. So many that will never reach their potential or know the joy of being in a family. I teared up at the thought and it was such a good day with Jill that I found myself praying for God to send me again (crazy?). Send me again Lord to least of these little ones to bring them home to our family. Waiting..Hoping..Lord Willing..We will do more one day.

Giving Thanks

Just laid down my sweet, chubby cheeked babe for her nap and had some precious, quiet moments with my Savior in the rocking chair next to her bed. Thanking Jesus that I have the chance to have a little one again. I love being a mother and I love caring for this little one. Praising Him for giving me this gift that I didn't even know I wanted so badly until I had it again. Thank you for the mess of toys on the floor, the half hour of laughter because of tickles after lunch, the slobbery kisses, the morning in the baby pool in the backyard, the cute little plastic spoons in the silverware drawer again, the baby food in the pantry, the toddler Bible on the shelf, the time for Little People.. Oh it is simply too good.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Sacrifice

Sacrifice.

This post has been swirling in my head all week because this week I have come face to face with it. My husband and my darling kiddo are on the youth trip. My husband is a youth pastor and we love, love, love ministry and our youth.

We-was something that there was a lot of in our ministry before this adoption. Now, with our new treasure home, there is a lot of him and no me. If I told you that it wasn't hard, I wouldn't be being at all honest. Our youth, my girls in particular, were a huge part of my life. In fact, the times that I have taught them God's word, mentored them, and prayed with them have been some of the most meaningful in my spiritual life. God has grown me and stretched me through this ministry.

This ministry-being with teens-is not at all something that I ever wanted. To be honest when my husband dragged me into it, I was kicking and screaming the entire way. Now, I have experienced God through it in more ways than I could have ever dreamed and I love our teens. I love being in their lives. Love teaching them God's word, love tucking them in before bed each night (yes I really do that and they actually like it or at least pretend to), love praying with them, comforting them when God is stretching them, love loving on them, love being able to serve next to my man.. This week I couldn't do that. Truthfully, I haven't been able to spend much time with any of them since Jill has been home and it is definitely a sacrifice for me. It is something that God has asked me to lay down for this period in my life so that I can be a momma to one special baby girl who really needed one.

While I love being my little one's momma, giving up this ministry isn't easy. There are days that I struggle with not being there. Days that I wish I could have kept it all and still answered God's call to bring home our girl. Keeping it all just isn't in God's plan right now. I'm not sure what is in God's plan for using me for ministry in the months to come, but I miss it. I miss communicating with God for the purpose of teaching others. I miss being used by Him to help our youth grow in their faith.

On the other hand, I know that this toddler time will be over all too soon and so this week I have tried to not dwell on the sacrifice and instead embrace the gift. The gift that God has given me in this girl. While it has been life changing and some of those changes are bitter sweet, I am willing to continue to lay down my life and my plans for His which means loving on the little one asleep upstairs for this season in my life. How I am so thankful for that.

A Day in Our Busy Life

Please pray. I am flying solo this week and without daddy here.. Well, I'm a little worried about what effect it might have on our sweet girl. She is a bit more distant than she has been, pushing me away a little more, just a bit fussier..It could just be a coincidence, but I can't help but worry that she is feeling like she has been left again. How I long to just know what she is thinking. Trying hard to keep her busy..

I took her to the zoo (so hot).

Where she really liked the wood mulch and could care less about the animals.

Silly momma. You make me laugh!


This is the hundreth time I have ripped these off the fridge!

Oh the fun!!

Oh yes I did! I cleared off the top of this chest and climbed right on up here!

(I had to take her picture before telling her no and getting her down.)

I sure love keepin you busy momma.

And with a smile like mine, who could resist?

She's Feeling It

Dear Jill,
I laid in bed last night next to you and watched you breathe. I rubbed your sweet cheeks with my hand and simply gave thanks to God that you are mine. You have come so far my sweet girl. I wish there was some way that I could capture with words all the pictures of you I have in mind as you allow us to become your family. You are loving us-truly loving us and it feels like a dream to see you feeling it. Momma was gone for an hour at a church meeting and when I came home you greeted me with shouts, jumping, and kisses. You know I am your momma. You feel it in your heart. You trust me and you even love me. I have wanted so badly to be able to feel that you love me and I simply can't describe what it is like to finally be at this place. You love us. You laugh with a deep, belly shaking laugh when your daddy swings you. You boss us all around expecting us to wait on your beckon call because you are secure. You know we want to care for you and meet your needs. You kiss us and climb on us and you are enjoying life. Your eyes are finally full and sparkle just the way I have prayed they would after seeing the emptiness there for so long. Your healing is a miracle and only the Lord can be credited with how He continues to make you whole. I love the way that you laugh when you drag all the magnets off the fridge, the way that you sit in the empty laundry basket waiting to be pushed around, the way you plop on your sissy's bean bag chair and wait for her to acknowledge you, the way that you insist on sitting on your daddy's lap when you eat..I just plain love everything about you baby! You are so in my heart. You have added so much to our family and I am so thrilled that you are my daughter. This road to becoming your momma has not been easy, but every single trial is worth it because I am being loved by you.

Momma

Unknown

I applied for Jill's social security number this week. As I was filling out the papers, it asked for her birthplace for which I had to write unknown. Unknown. It hit me hard. Hit me that some day I am going to have to try my best to explain to her the little I know about her first years of life. I am going to have to find the right words to help her understand. I am going to have to spend a lifetime praying that she finds some way to come to peace with where she has been and merge her past with her present. Way too overwhelming now. Way too much to think about, but there are times that her unknowns weigh heavily on my mind and are too much to ignore. I hurt so much for her when I think of it. I hurt, with a deep pain that only a mother can feel for her baby, when I think of all that I have missed. When I consider all the times she has needed me and I couldn't be there.

But then I consider now, I consider all of the times that I will be there for her and all that means to me. Yesterday alone, I probably gave her hundreds of kisses. I smother her with those things. I love her so much that I think there are days that my heart will literally burst looking at her. I have always loved her like she was mine from the moment she was placed in my arms. The best thing is she is feeling like she is mine too. When she leans in with her little toddler mouth full of a wet kiss to plant one on me-words can not describe what is in my heart. I know this love won't erase her past, but I am praying that it will be the bridge that merges her past and present together beautifully. So thankful to be her mom today and everyday.

Praises for Progress!

We had our first developmental therapy session today. (Finally!) The therapist can't believe the progress that Jill has made since seeing her for her eval on June 9. She did so well! So stinking well! She instantly took to the toys the therapist offered and readily showed her stuff. She stacked blocks, put cups on top of each other, sorted shapes, pulled toys, walked backwards with ease, looked at a book, showed her skill at blocking the zoo toy with other toys, and so much more. The therapist assured me she sees so much cognitive stuff going on in her play. Oh, I know she does because my girl is a smarty pants. She just needed a family to love her and show her she is valuable. Praising the Lord today for this little life. So thankful that God allowed her to be ours. So beyond grateful to those of you who helped us rescue this little life. She is thriving and continues this week to just be full of joy even though we don't have a lake in our backyard like last week during vacation. She is getting this family thing down and she is smiling more than I have ever seen her. Her heart is on it's way to being repaired.

Screaming, Storms, Dirty Diapers, and a God Moment

We're home and ready to leave again. (Can you believe we are taking another trip with Jill already? Kinda crazy I know, but hey we'll see how it goes!) Just wanted to share with you this God moment we had on Friday when traveling back..

We had driven about three hours and it went like this-Momma fires toy after toy after toy to keep Jill entertained (exhausting) as fast as she can without stopping. Sister is in on the action too as she has to hand the toys to momma and then pick up the ones that Jill casts off. Eventually (after about thirty minutes) momma is out of tricks and Jill is really ticked off about being in the car. Then she starts to cry. Scream really-for an hour. Throw in a torrential downpour, lighting, thunder, a not so calm daddy driving in the front, and a terrified big sister (she hates storms), and you have a less than pleasant afternoon.

We finally made it out of the storms. Jill had slept about thirty minutes so we decided to make a lunch stop. Now keep in mind, Jill doesn't sit-ever, eat food, like being inside new places, or have anything to do with being still BUT we have to eat. So, we pull into a fast food joint. This momma is hoping she can just shove down a burger while standing holding Jill. Just hoping that she doesn't scream the entire time I am trying to eat. Well, that didn't happen. An already stressed out momma had a fussy baby, a daddy who couldn't order without my help, and a big sis who had been in the bathroom for thirty minutes (it was really only five) leaving us waiting in the restaurant. I was stressed. It was not my best moment and while I hope that I was not behaving with the negative attitude that I was thinking with-I am sure that it showed through. I sent daddy outside with Jill so that I could order for all of us.

Then a sweet, eighty year old man and his wife entered the scene. They had been there all along eating their burgers in the booth near the line. The sweet, old man pulled me down next to him and said he really appreciated my shirt. My shirt? Oh yeah, I had the new Gull Lake shirt with the theme Bible verse on the back. Screeching halt... I have God's word on my back. This old man recognized that I was a daughter of the king because of the verse. Was I thinking as a daughter of the king? Did my attitude and behavior reflect that? Slap in the face for sure...

The verse was Zephaniah 3:17-For the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He takes great delight in you, and quiets you with His Love. I was thinking in that moment-God is with me right now! That sweet, old man and his wife continued to encourage me so much by the way they smiled at us and the precious glances they gave my Jill. They commented about how adorable she was and how much God loved me. It was as if God himself wrapped His arms around me in that moment through those two sweet, elderly believers. It was a reminder that people are watching me everywhere that I am. It was a reminder that I have a opportunity to be a positive witness for the Father in Heaven even in a fast food joint. It was a reminder that God loves me so much and cares for me so much that He put those two strangers in my path at just the right time.

Maybe the funniest thing is the ending to the story. After the encounter with the old man and his wife, I am feeling so loved and inspired that I feel like I can again handle each new challenge with grace. Isn't it just like God to pump you up like that before He sends you a challenge. I get Jill engaged in the open space behind our booth playing with a chair. I am thinking great now I can eat my burger! Then I see something running out of her diaper and down her pants. Yep a monstrous, dirty diaper. With grace, I look at daddy who is sitting, eating his lunch and ask him to please just pack up my lunch and bring it out to the car when they are done because there will be no eating for momma today! I changed that gross diaper with a positive attitude and ate my cold lunch when we were on the road again with joy. So glad God showed Himself through that couple or it could have been uglier than it was.

Hope you have an amazing day of worship and take the time to show God's love to someone the way that couple showed me.